Good

Then I think we can agree that Magoo doesn’t need to see this, K?

We’re trying to cram in as much fun stuff as we can before then

I told them today was their choice

Whatever they wanted to do

They chose rock climbing

The fuck?

It’s like I’m the ONLY person in this family that loves the shit out of knows how to shop and take naps

I have no idea how Santa got this mammoth thing into our house

But I do know Diamond has put his back out and owes his Dad more than a few beers

This thing is like a happening little ecosystem, with new things popping up and growing from the live rock every day

Macaroni’s first order of business was to name all the inhabitants of the tank

According to the accompanying letter from Santa, she had 2 clown fish from Australia, a fire fish, cleaner shrimp, 2 really fast yellow ones and a very cool little purple long one that I can’t remember what they were called comes out very rarely – a dozen little crabs and some snails

She settled on Sara & Lara, for the yellow ones. Angel for the angel fish. Dancer for the shy one, Herbert for the shrimp.

And the 2 from Australia? Boomerang and Cherry Ripe

I’m not big on fish and the bucketload of work that goes into maintaining a saltwater tank – but Diamond is the man. Having wanted a saltwater tank since we first moved into our house, he’s a very happy boy

He and Macaroni have spent the last few days reading their ‘how to’ books on saltwater fish and visiting the local aquarium shops to get all the bits and bobs they need

Meanwhile I have been playing and hanging out with Magoo and her new Hamster

Like fuck I have

“…do you love my Mum & Dad and my sister and do you love Fluffy the most?”

And she replied

Bitch is on crack.

Maybe some of you can help me out

We currently have more unemployed Australians than we’ve had in over a decade (1 million+ people)

A global economic slowdown has seen Australian’s homes decreasing in value at an accelerated rate

Australians are worried over the newly introduced carbon tax and what it means for them

And they’re  also having to deal with constantly rising household costs that their wages never seem to adjust to

The government has just announced plan to slash billions of dollars in public spending

And I seem to recall that not too long ago, our Prime Minister’s popularity hit a record low approval rating of minus 45%

So can someone tell me how, today, in Australia

Politicians received a MASSIVE – no seriously, FUCKING MASSIVE, pay rise?!?

The fuck?

Julia Gillard will now earn more than the UK Prime Minister and the President of the United States

With a $90,000 pay increase that sees her now taking home almost $470,000 a year

Yep

Even the lowest polly on the totem pole will see his pay packet fatten up with an additional $40,000 per year

And while I realise that this raise was at the suggestion of an independent body, and not at the politicians request

Is there no one with any brains in charge of this shit?

Is this really the right economy to give ANY of those wankers a pay rise?

Can’t they see that people are battling, worried about how to pay their bills

Worried about these new taxes, their jobs, paying their mortgages?

It just screams unfair

And shows just how out of touch and fucking ridiculous the politicians in this country are

It’s like a slap in the face to the people they are supposed to be helping. Isn’t government supposed to work FOR the PEOPLE?

Cause sure as shit, there’s no ‘people’ I know that would approve this bullshit

How about this Christmas, these newly cashed up pollies head down to their local Salvation Army

And donate their recent windfall to the Australians who REALLY need it

That’d be a good place to start

Or should I say, was

This, is Lindsay Lohan now

Umm…’scuse me

But where in the dental handbook does it say meth mouth this look is cool?

I think somebody needs to start showing Miss Lohan some before & after ‘crack’ photos

Give her a bit of a glimpse into her future if she doesn’t get her shit together

Girls got so much natural talent that is just being boozed, binged and snorted away

It’s never too late, right?

I’d never been here before, and the venue is pretty flash

Peeps at the show were drinking, loud and ready to sing

Just the way we like ‘em

This is my new friend

One of us is wearing a corset

And one of us is trying to stop the wee from running down her leg

Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.

Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.

Now, I’m all about safety

Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky

We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled

To be honest, we’d been following the news all week

So we were kind of prepared for it

And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe

So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again

In one day….two days?

The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably

She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th

Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??

That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY

I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?

She said, yes – all the flights are full

Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?

She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day

I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!

And then deal with the consequences of that?

I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job

But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out

And the other one is a bitch

(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)

Anyhoo

The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”

Call terminated with a fuck you, you fucking fuck

Then this tweet

So  a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights

I saw how  much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were

My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening

That was then

But now?

The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question

I felt sick just thinking about it

And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?

I get that

But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode

And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife

And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo

It might not make sense to you and my credit card will never understand

But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady

I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand

Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE

On that  crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago

And when I got to the airport today

My heart broke a little

When I saw all the cancelled flights

All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options

They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be

I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now

As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight

I am feeling nothing but grateful

And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it

And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe

You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell

Whatever…just email me.

PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them

and makes me mouth vomit

Right here

Is the perfect example

Of why I never, ever

Smoke crack

Drink

Before work

But afterwards?

Game on fuckers!

The crew were having trouble with the lights

Without them touching anything, lights were going on, off

And dimming by themselves

As it was an old theatre we were playing in

Everyone starts the whole, ‘there must be ghosts in the building’ thing

Me, I think that’s bullshit

The theatre is old, and I’m sure the house lighting system is just as old

So I go on stage for my set

All is good

We’ve never played there before

And the full house we got tonight made us feel crazy welcome

In between 2 of my songs, the lights went out

Then they came back on again

The switches for the lights going on and off, were next to the stage

And there was no one standing there at the time

The audience did a big old, “ooooooh”

I’m like, don’t tell me you all think there’s a ghost in here?

The affirmative answer I got back, says that they did

I had a little chuckle to myself

And started on the next song

When my pants came undone

And not just undone

The zipper at the front s-l-o-w-l-y came down

I’m not even joking

It felt like it was being undone BY someone

But wait, there’s more!

The my belt, that’s around the outside of my blouse

Started sliding down my waist and past my bum

Oh yes it did

I was laughing so hard I could barely keep it together

I did my pants back up

Yanked my belt up

Started singing

AND THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN!

I fucking know, you guys!

I came offstage after my last song, just shaking my head

I said to Dad, “Did you SEE that?”

If there’s a ghost out there, he’s a total hornbag, and just tried to undress me in front of 600 people, for fuck’s sake

Dad said, “well some ghosts are like that”

“What…you’re trying to tell me you’ve had experience with ghosts before?”

“A long time ago yeah….back when I was a teenager”

“And it was a SEXUAL experience?”

He was almost blushing now, “yeah”

“No way Dad! I can’t believe that YOU, of all people, even BELIEVE in ghosts. And now you’re trying to tell me you had seksy time with one??”

“Ghost?

Oh, no sorry…… I thought you said goat”

PS – The lights played up in Dad’s set too – he dropped a plectrum, he broke a string – so he used my guitar while his was being restrung….and he DROPPED that too. The fuck Dad?

PPS – no ghosts tonight in New Plymouth, pants stayed on…all is good. Except for the big DENT in the top of my guitar….DAD!!