Is the flying

In Australian we mostly drive from A to B

With the occasional flight thrown in

In the UK it’s pretty much all driving

Because we’re doing almost a show every day here

Flying is the best way for us to get around

It’s also the best way to get us up at the crack of dawn

I’m not sure the crew even realised there were two 4 o’clocks in a day

I haven’t had a sleep schedule like this since I my girls were babies

And liked to be fed every few hours

Then burped

Then held

Then changed

Then fed again

I think I might actually miss those days a bit

Kick me

I set my alarm the other day for a 3am wakeup

And I swear my iPhone must be thinking it’s been stolen by a nightshift worker

The best way to describe all these early morning calls is

Stupid O’Clock

We have started many days on this tour at stupid o’clcok

And it’s completely worth it

We are loving it here!

I was hungry

Put my PJs on

Still hungry

Skype Diamond and the girls

Really hungry

Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip

And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap

I opened by bag of barely edible munchies

And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal

Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?

And there, in my bag o’ hell was this

OK, not THAT actual cockroach

But a fucking cockroach non-the-less

Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl

And am tough as shit

(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life

And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)

The above is probably bullshit

But it’s how I choose to remember it

But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself

You think I’m kidding?

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Where was I?

Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY

It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge

It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon

With a swim suit on

Hear that universe?

These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position

‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!

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And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work

How do I know this?

Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning

I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry

But fuck it, a win’s a win

Me and my skinny feet are taking it!

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So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach

I think it was because it was late

And kinda dark

And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it

Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling

But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!

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In my freaked out state I went to bed

After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner

And had nightmares about cockroaches

All night

Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES

They were EVERYWHERE

I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed

But I was ready to take on the beast

I was so brave

I opened up the bag slowly

And couldn’t see it

So I gave the bag a bit of a shake

And still couldn’t see it

Oh, look! There it is!

Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night

Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger

There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor

Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?

Me either – thanks Google

So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?

I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?

I’ll fucking share you

I should eat you

Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night

And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me

Thanks for THAT peeps

But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be

I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach

The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp

Really?

Who works this shit OUT?

Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant

It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick

It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares

Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak

You’re welcome

Anyhoo

I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it

I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room

With a note for housekeeping

“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents

It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.

He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.

He’s an arsehole”

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers

On of them is SCARYMOMMY

I like her

She’s smart, funny

And occasionally says fuck

I like that in a blogger

Then she did  a post on ‘how to be a good wife’

And I’m all, ‘scuse me?

What is this fuckery?

This blogger, who I totally thought was one of us

Was preaching about the virtues of ‘obeying’ your husband

It was a big lecture in submissive bullshit

And the feminazis reckon I take the women’s movement back 100 years?

SCARYMOMMY had us all back wearing aprons and kissing our husband’s arses

Polishing their shoes & their knobs

While serving up a 3 course meal

Then she posted this video

And I was ready to find out her address & go to her house and bitch slap her upside the head for being an utter doormatted fucktard

Turns out she was *taking the piss

So now who’s the fucktard?

A GULLIBLE FUCKTARD??

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*Aussie speak for ‘making a dick out of me fun of’

Where all the kids write & then draw a picture of what they LOVE

I saw her drawing and was all, aaaawwww, she loves her FAMILY

So cute

See there we all are

Diamond, Miss 4, Me & the Fluffster

Well, apparently fucking NOT

I had it all wrong

It’s Diamond, Miss 4, Miss 6 & the Fluffinator

So where the fuck am I??

Miss 6 tells me her picture was too big

So she asked her teacher if she could do another one and make it all fit better

Nope said the mole

So she just wait til I see her next time cropped it off

But was nice enough to leave my feet in the drawing

My fucking size 8 and a half hooves!

That was it

Yep, there’s her Daddy, her sister, her, her dog and her MOTHER’S FEET!

Does anyone else have a problem with this?

I’m all like DUDE, I may be out of the country

But out of the whole PICTURE?

Harsh Mrs Teacher, harsh

It’s game-on  time now sister

You just wait ’til it’s time for the end of year ‘what will we get for the teacher as a big thank you?’ day

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I sure hope you enjoy your bikini wax voucher lady

And I’ll make sure it comes with a complimentary COLON CLEANSE

Can we have a word?

No, really

It’s kind of embarrassing

I’m a proud Aussie

Always have been

But you guys are making life hard

It’s bad enough living on the other side of the world and only hearing about the homeland in the news if there’s a shark attack

Or about a guy caught shagging at the gas station

And it’s never good to be from the country that has politicians parading around in cock jocks

And now?

I’ve read in the paper

Online

Seen it on CNN

All over the bloody joint

The NAKED AUSTRALIANS!!!

‘Cause a photographer

Some bloke called Spencer Tunick

Is a total uncle pervey known for taking naked pics of people all over the world

‘ART’, apparently

And his latest targeted fetish subject happened to be Australians

Oh, the PRIDE!

Don’t try and tell me there is not a weirdo contingent that LIVES for this shit

Parading around with their dribbling semi-boners checking out the tit parade

And girls?

Oh, girls

Do you not put toilet paper on a public toilet seat before you squat your bot?

You do?

Good

Well then, what the fuck’s up with trotting out your uncovered minges in public – and rubbing it up against strangers, sidewalks and the FUCKING SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE for fuck’s sake??

I know that a huge percentage of you could not have posed for these photos – laid down for them even – without sharing with your fellow wack jobs new friends what you had for breakfast

Tell me that didn’t look like a never ending line of drive thru car washes!

You are treading dangerously close to having your license to carry a vajay-jay revoked sisters

Five thousand of the nutters there was

Outside the Sydney Opera house

In their birthday suits

Of course, it’s all done very sleezily tastefully, as all good art is wank wank wank

Mind you, if I decided to ‘GIT NEKKID’

And parade myself around the touristy spots in Sydney

(Sorry about the visual there peeps)

I would sooooo find my freckly bum locked up in record time

But this is ART

And that makes it OKAAAAAY

What the fuck ever

But that’s not what this is about

All I’m trying to say is how about some NORMAL news from down under?

I mean,  I’m trying my best to spread the Aussie cultural around the world in my own classy way

But

You lot are NOT fucking helping

And it’s not just the fact he can’t sing for shit to save his life, that sucks so bad

THIS is what he’s been singing

I can’t believe Diamond’s a closet IDOL fan!

And I’m only just finishing it now, because I’m a lazy cow the internet today has completely sucked arse

So here it is, better late than never…

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Last night we stayed in a big old English manor, that’s been converted into a hotel

Very fancy, with all the trimmings

I always wonder what they must think when our crew rocks up at these places

I mean, there’s old ladies having morning tea

And men in suits standing around, discussing cricket

A butler to take our bags

Very upperclass

Just like we are NOT

But this blog isn’t about how classy we ain’t

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Let’s get back to the butler

He told me his name

But do you think I can remember pronounce it?

It sounded something like a gay stripper’s name Heinifitchyfarter

So I’m going to call him Henry

“Hotel Henry”

Hotel Henry was assigned as our personal concierge

I know, total fuckery isn’t it?

He kind of followed us around for a while asking if he could do anything, or get anything for us

And we’re all like, nah fuck it mate, we’re good

Just point us in the direction of the bar

I think Hotel Henry was a bit disappointed that he couldn’t be more helpful to us

‘Cause that kind of service and attention is pretty much wasted on us

We just come in, eat, nap, go to work, come back and sleep again

Oh, and if you’re Dad – poo about 35 times in between

Although he’s feeling better today

Yesterday he was up to 50!

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So for us, not a lot of time to hang out really

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Anyhooo

Hotel Henry was obviously a persistent little fucker determined to go ‘above and beyond’ for us

Or at least for me anyway

While I was out at the gig last night, he’d been into my room

Nothing wrong with that

He just did the whole, fold down the sheets, leave a chocolate on the pillow thingy

Lovely really

But here’s where Hotel Henry got a bit weird took it to the next level

Right next to the chockie on my pillow, was a letter

Or actually more of a poem

That I think he’d written

And then he’d left 2 apples on the dresser

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Now, keep in mind that I checked in by myself

He’d even asked me earlier what time could we expect ‘MR TALIA’ to arrive

And I told him that ‘MR TALIA’ was buried in the backyard in Chicago, and not joining me

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So there’s also 2 plates

And 2 knives

And 2 bottles of water

And tea service

For 2 of course

And here’s the kicker

Where there WAS one bath robe hanging behind the door when I left for work

Now there was, yep, you guessed it, TWO!

So I‘m not sure if Hotel Henry was trying to offer me his no doubt tiny dweeby penis extra service

And maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions

But that’s sure what it looked like to me?!?!

So I double-dead-bolted-locked the door

And put a chair against it for good measure

And it was all good – no little ‘tap, tap’ on my door last night

Not that I would have heard it anyway with a bottle of wine under my belt ‘cause I sleep really heavily

And when I opened my door this morning

Hotel Henry was right there waiting to scare the shit out of me

To take my suitcase to the car

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So I was wrong

He’s just a really nice little guy

Who’s eager to please

And likes everything in pairs

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And I’ve got 2 pairs of undies missing to prove it

And as you can see

They really went ALL OUT!

Blew the can’t say fuck sign budget out of the water wouldn’t you say?

I thought it only fair that I help spell it out for the slowies clarify

Do you think they would be able to tell it was me?