what the fuck dad.

This tour has been such a great one
With some fantastic crowds and even the odd town we’ve never played before
I’m looking at YOU Mulwala! (what a brilliant place!)


Even with two shows left (tonight at Wangaratta, tomorrow Mt Evelyn)
This tour will for me, be best remembered as the ‘what the fuck, Dad?’ tour

You guys, I’ve known him my WHOLE LIFE, and  he still manages to make me shake my head in wonder.
I’m always laughing while shaking my head at him, and that’s never a bad thing.

Earlier in the week, we were leaving Mildura, and I realised I didn’t have my phone
I’d had it 5 minutes before, and now it wasn’t anywhere.
I turned the car inside out looking for it.
Nope, not there.
Shit. Fuck. Ugh.
I dropped Dad at a local coffee shop, and set off to retrace my steps.
After going back to the hotel we’d just checked out of, the post office, every shop I’d walked past…
It was two hours later and still no sign of my phone
(Yes, I have ‘find–my-phone’ but it wasn’t working (fu apple) and the ringer was turned off, so trying to call it was pointless – not that I didn’t do it 11 times anyway)
I’d gotten over the pissed off stage, and was now at the ok, when was the last time I backed it up stage
I was also one of those times I was happy to be me, and not a 18 year old supermodel, because if I was, I can guarantee that phone would have been chock-filled with naked selfies. Or at least topless ones.
Yay for being a midget comedian and not the hot chick!
I drove back to the coffee shop to get Dad.
He gets up out of his seat – where he’s been sitting for 2 hours chatting to every single person that walked through the door (his road nickname is ‘have-a-chat’)
He walks over to me, and MY PHONE fell out of his pocket.
He picks it up with a confused look on his face, holds it out to me and says, ‘is this what you’re looking for?’


He had NO IDEA he’d picked it up (or so he says)
And I wasn’t even mad, just relieved.
Now I know where to look if my phone ever goes missing again
And Dad knows how to get 2 hours to himself whenever he needs it

Well played, Daddio.


There’s so many other little happenings, funny bits and sweet-jesus-tell-me-I’m-adopted moments
From almost sending in a search party when a roadside wee-stop went for a scary long amount of time
He was so impressed with how clean the toilets were, he went inside the servo and gave the surprised bloke behind the counter a cd. Because nothing says thanks for letting me destroy your dunny like a signed KBW album.
Or when it’s laundry day out here (thankyoubabyjesus for Heiny!) and he disappears with his laundry bag, and returns an hour later with a Gazman bag full of new shirts
Um, that’s not doing laundry Dad.
That’s called cheating shopping.


Then there was this morning…when we checked out of our hotel
And Dad wanted to say thank you to the lady at reception for allowing him to check out a little later.
So he took all the complimentary soaps, shower caps and toiletries from his room, and gifted them to her
She was still laughing as we drove away AND shaking her head.

But I think Dad’s random, uncensored ways, are probably best summed up in a conversation that we had in the car today on the way to Wangaratta.
A conversation that I still don’t quite ‘get’
We’d been listening to some country music cds we’d bought a few towns back.
A song came on by a female artist
Me ‘I don’t love this song, but she’s doing really well these days, having lots of success’
Dad ‘She looks funny I don’t like her’
Me ‘What do you mean?’
Dad ‘she looks like one of those girls that if you saw her naked, she’d be covered in black moles’


I’ll just leave that right there.


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too good to be toosday #3

Whattup spunkrats?

Let’s kick off this fine Tuesday with a little giveaway

Even if it’s already Wednesday where you are, ain’t no thang

I’ve been working on all sorts of stuff lately
And I thought I’d let you guys take a guess at one of the things I’ve got happening

Here’s your clue:
Yes, Imma be wearing this
In public
Stop laughing
Thinking about it has made my chocolate (& wine) intake double over the last few days
It’s going to be purdy fo sho.

In the spirit of ‘fuck it’….I thought we’d have some fun with it
Leave a comment on this post, telling me WHY you think I’ll be wearing this curvy girl’s worst fucking nightmare

I’ll pick two winners…
One with the CORRECT answer (that’s assuming someone actually gets the right answer)
And the other with the FUNNIEST my FAVOURITE answer

Each winner will receive a signed copy of my latest album, F.O.C.U.S.

Winners announced Friday 11th October
You can enter as many times as you’d like

Go get ’em!!

**CONGRATS TO SHARA & MARRIANNE….good guessing ladeez!!!



pucker up….you eight legged little bastard

I never really understood why people get plastic surgery

I mean, I get that people want to change things about themselves, and they feel that plastic surgery will give the  the improvements they’re looking for

But not me
I am WAY to much of a pussy for that shitz
After popping out two babies, one ‘naturally’ (there’s nothing natural abut that shit) and one out the sunroof
I would never, EVER intentionally go under the knife….like, by CHOICE

Which is why I find myself explaining my face to people today
Apparently a lot of people are fans of the bee-stung-lips-look

My lips are usually pretty chubby anyway
But today…they’re extra plump
Thanks to a spider bite on my top lip

Yep, fuck BEE stings
Fuck collagen
Imma go all out and get some of NATURE’S best poison in my face
Courtesy of itsy-bitsy-what-was-that-fucker-doing-in-my-bed-last-night-spider

Today I plan to fumigate & scrub every surface of my house
In the hopes that any and ALL spiders and other little mofos that like to bite in the middle of the night
Sorry, I’m not much of a creepy crawly whisperer
I don’t ‘relocate’ bugs
I kill the fuckers

Even if they do give me extra pouty Angelina Jolie lips
Which Imma enjoy while I can
Which would explain why I’m sitting in the car, waiting for Macaroni to come out of Orchestra camp, taking selfless of my face
When life gives you lemons
Buy more lip gloss!


‘Cause Google (do not Google spider bite on lips…no serisously….do NOT. Whatever, off you go then) tells me they’ll probably turn black and drop of within the next 24 hours