(arse)hole in one

The gym I’ve been going to, well I probably should say have GONE to…as in, today’s only the second time I’ve been since I got home
What?
I think all that matters is that GYM and I WENT were used in the same sentence. Agreed?
Anyhoo – there are about 5 gyms pretty close to my house
I choose to go to the one 10 minutes further away than the rest
It’s full of old people, and frankly, that suits me
They’re friendly, they leave me alone, and it’s not a fashion parade
I wouldn’t be comfortable in a gym full of hot skinny chicks in designer workout gear
Unless of course I was hot and skinny
Then you would find me there daily. Getting physical with my fluro leg warmers and Olivia Newton John g-string leotard.
But for now, I am a sporadic (at best) visitor to the wrinkly people hangout
Wearing my faded workout pants that I’ve had for years, matched with whatever old tshirt I grab
I love that whatever machine I go to use, I get to at least double the weights on it. Who cares if that’s because an 85 year old with brittle bones was using it before me.
I will put that shit in the WIN column any day

There’s an old guy there, I’ll call him Harry
He’s so hunched over, he is only inches away from being able to lick his own wedding tackle. Sounds good, but I feel bad for him. Everywhere he walks, all he sees is the floor, or his own belly button
Today he asked me what the time was. He said, “I can’t see the clock up there, and my eyesight is terrible”
“No worries”, I said. “It’s 8:15”
“Thank you.” And off he went
Over the next 20 minutes, I watched him walk into a treadmill, trip on a power cord, and head-but a Christmas tree
I was thinking about going and buying him a helmet and bringing back for him tomorrow

Then I saw him ask someone else for the time, explaining, as he did to me, that the clock is too high for him to see and his eyesight is not very good

As I was getting ready to leave, he shuffled up to me
I was just about to tell him what the time was again
When he said, “you know, you have a big hole in your pants….right there”, and he pointed right to my lady business
I looked down and saw the teeniest, tiny hole in the seam of my pants
I’m like, “Wait, so THAT, you can see??”

“Well played, you dirty old bastard”

bugger me basingstoke!

And when I say ‘bugger me’, I mean like, ‘fuck me dead’
I guess what I’m really trying to say is holy fucking shit you guys made that the most amazing show. Good GOD it was awesome.
For those of you that don’t know, this tour, is Dad’s final one of the UK & Ireland.
And to answer the bazillion dollar question; NO, he is not retiring. But he IS scaling back on big tours. While he *may* come back over here and do  a couple of shows (he may not either…sorry) he won’t ever tour the country again. It’s a pretty intense schedule we keep, and aside from being committed to other projects for the next 3 years (which will make him 68) he just wants to slow down. As he should
He’s been touring on average, 120 shows a year, since his first album came out back in 1984.
But he’s been traveling around the world as a musician since he was 16. So yeah, I reckon he’s earn some ‘take it easy time’. It’s important to him, and Mum, to enjoy the life they have, while they’re still young enough to get out there and enjoy it.
But retiring? That’ll never be him.
Whether he plays live or nor, he will ALWAYS write and record new songs.
So you’ll always have that!

After touring England for almost 30 years, last night was the last England show of the tour (before we headed of to the Ireland shows)|

Now, I have been touring with Dad, on and off for many, many years. And this tour….jesus….THIS tour has been like no other
The way the fans have come out in DROVES to salute Dad, tell him they love him, what he means to them, how much his music has been a part of their life – well, I’ve got to tell you, that, has been fucking incredible
I guess I take it all for granted. He’s my Dad.
But this tour has shown me something amazing. You guys have had us in tears on more than a few occasions, with your kindness and appreciation
It just doesn’t get any better than this.

And don’t think we don’t know it
In a career that has seen Dad work with SO many different people. Hundreds. Some fantastic, and some absolute cunts not so much, along the way.

Touring can be hard slog on a good day. I’m not saying it’s not the best job on the planet, because I know, for me it is.

But a long tour like this can take it out of you. But it’s the people that make it worth it.  The people that buy tickets every night, and the people backstage, that make it all happen.

It has been better than super special to have a team on this tour, that just couldn’t be ANY better.  When you get the right people around you, this whole touring business is a fucking dream.

But you guys…YOU…just added about as much awesome-sauce as we can handle

And Basingstoke, what a way to say goodbye
I truly can’t thank you enough

Last night, and the 37 shows before it, have created so many brillliant memories for all of us on this tour.

If I could give you all a big kiss, I totally would.
And yes, there’d probably be tongue involved.

See you all again next year!!

stevenage….superb!

Hello Stevenage!
It’s been a while…we missed you.
We missed the big ol’ auditorium we play in here
And how when it fills up, it feels like a rock concert
All stadium-y ‘n shit

Rock out with your cock out!
Or, in my case, if you don’t have a penis one…… maybe with just your red lippy and guitar on?

I’d finished my set and signing
And was backstage cracking open a bottle of red taking off my FMFM shoes
When Mum sent me this text

I thought, well, I’m not surprised, they’ve always been crazy about Dad in this part of the world
And then I thought, hmmm….must be nearly time to go home if Mum is starting to say ‘fuck’.
Thank you Stevenage.
For a wild show
And giving Dad the goodbye he deserves

Me…you can’t get rid of so easily.

See you next year! x