Maybe some of you can help me out

We currently have more unemployed Australians than we’ve had in over a decade (1 million+ people)

A global economic slowdown has seen Australian’s homes decreasing in value at an accelerated rate

Australians are worried over the newly introduced carbon tax and what it means for them

And they’re  also having to deal with constantly rising household costs that their wages never seem to adjust to

The government has just announced plan to slash billions of dollars in public spending

And I seem to recall that not too long ago, our Prime Minister’s popularity hit a record low approval rating of minus 45%

So can someone tell me how, today, in Australia

Politicians received a MASSIVE – no seriously, FUCKING MASSIVE, pay rise?!?

The fuck?

Julia Gillard will now earn more than the UK Prime Minister and the President of the United States

With a $90,000 pay increase that sees her now taking home almost $470,000 a year

Yep

Even the lowest polly on the totem pole will see his pay packet fatten up with an additional $40,000 per year

And while I realise that this raise was at the suggestion of an independent body, and not at the politicians request

Is there no one with any brains in charge of this shit?

Is this really the right economy to give ANY of those wankers a pay rise?

Can’t they see that people are battling, worried about how to pay their bills

Worried about these new taxes, their jobs, paying their mortgages?

It just screams unfair

And shows just how out of touch and fucking ridiculous the politicians in this country are

It’s like a slap in the face to the people they are supposed to be helping. Isn’t government supposed to work FOR the PEOPLE?

Cause sure as shit, there’s no ‘people’ I know that would approve this bullshit

How about this Christmas, these newly cashed up pollies head down to their local Salvation Army

And donate their recent windfall to the Australians who REALLY need it

That’d be a good place to start

I’ve been to Collie before, but never played a show there

Add in that it was a Wednesday night

I wasn’t sure if anyone would even show up

I needn’t have worried

Not only did we have a great turnout for a school night

I think I was laughing harder than the audience most of the night

That’s what happens when you play in the country

It’s so top heavy with interesting characters and funny bastards

They end up entertaining ME

Particularly these boys

Who are, unintentionally, now members of the Collie Ranga Flavour Saver Club

They all had goatie beards

That were GINGER as buggery

I tried my best to give them a shot at a normal life

And by ‘normal life’, I mean ripping off the fanta fuzz from their faces

So they could go out in the world without the ridicule and shame of having people laugh at their flame coloured fur

And people knowing they have a concealed weapon in their pants

In the form of a clown wig

Starting tomorrow (Wed) in COLLIE

(Thurs) JURIEN BAY

(Fri) GERALDTON

(Sat) LANCELIN

I’m betting that I’ll find more than a few additions for my WANKER WALL

Although this fine Sydney specimen – which came with complimentary tummy rolls / belly waves

Is going to take some beating

Those “thugs” going through Britain in gangs

Burning buildings

Trashing businesses

And ruining lives

Just for the sake of it

How about you ship the little fuckers off to Afghanistan

Show them what their fellow countrymen are sacrificing

For the country some bastards are so intent on destroying

Show them what a real man is

In a busy little hub of a cafe

When I sit down

I look over my menu at the table next to us

A young couple, who look kind of familiar

Actually, just the bloke does

I didn’t recognise the lady

And it took me a while for me to work out where I knew him from

*LIGHT BULB*

It was Daniel

As in Daniel from last night’s show

Anyone at the show knows exactly who I’m talking about

Bucket mouth Daniel

Show us your tits Jenny, Daniel

Yelling out throughout my whole show Daniel

I love you Jenny, Daniel

Drunk as a mofo staggering to the toilet during the show Daniel

Marry me Jenny, Daniel

He looked over at our table this morning

And just about shit a brick

The colour drained from his face

“….Mornin’ Daniel!”

“…umm, yeah….hi”

Poor bastard was absolutely mortified

Sitting there with his girlfriend / wife and no doubt a monster hangover

So I left him alone

Until we left

And I stopped at his table and gave him a small piece of paper

“…you were amazing last night….call me..”

Nothing like starting your morning off being a complete bitch with a good belly laugh

Is it that time of the month already?

But I am going to TRY and make it a carefully worded rant

So as not to get Dad anyone in any more trouble

Here goes

Say you were a member of a social networking site

Called….ummmm….Spacelook!

And say you were also a comedian

A popular Australian comedian

KNOWN for your politically incorrect-ness

And your daughter, who’s totally hot & skinny signed you up for Spacelook

And showed you how to use it

You get the hang of it pretty quick

Start yourself a ‘fan’ page

And your mates add themselves at a rate of 500+ a day

Then on the day your page hits over 107,000 *likes*

Spacelook DISABLE your page

For violating its policies

Now I understand you need rules

You need to control the content on these kind of pages to some extent

You don’t want people being abusive or threatening

But I think you have to watch how you enforce these rules

See, comedy is a very subjective thing

And what some people find funny

Others may find it offensive

Examples of such jokes are the ones about Japan

I personally haven’t posted any

I haven’t heard any/read any that I found funny

But I’m not going to shit on your parade if you do

If I don’t like it, I just ignore them

But I don’t take offense

Because offense IS something that is TAKEN

It’s very hard to GIVE it to someone

There’s very little comedy that is intended to offend

Just like a certain Australian politically incorrect comedian

There’s no malice in what he says or does

It’s just what he finds funny

“….bought a brand new Japanese car. With only 15 nautical miles on it”

I’m like…’meh’

It certainly doesn’t bother me

Now, if some of the 107,000+ fans on your page then post their own versions of what they think is funny on your wall

Which, in my opinion, not much of it was

Should that affect ‘your’ Spacelook account?

Apparently it does

For inciting hatred

But the kicker is

It takes people to complain about it

If enough people report your comments to Spacelook as being offensive

Your account will get disabled

But these people that report you

Are *fans*

That’s how they get to read what’s on your page

So, they’re enough of a fan to *like* your page

They know what you do

Possibly even have your cds

Or maybe attended a show at some time

But now, there’s something you’ve written that they’ve taken offense to

Really?

You’ve got nothing better to do than troll through peoples Spacelook pages and report shit that doesn’t please you?

Dad Someone told me something once.,

“…don’t let people with no lives dictate how you live yours”

So yeah, maybe I’m overly pissed off about this

And Dad others couldn’t give a fuck

Why don’t these fun police spend their time dobbing in the true trouble makers?

Like the anti-muslim groups

The I hate-so & so groups

The pedophile groups

Leave the people alone, that for 27 years years have been telling the jokes that make people laugh

Sharing the stories for no other reason, than to make people happy

Except for the ONE time it didn’t

I think sites like Spacebook should examine disabling accounts more carefully

Check out who they’re really shutting down

Arsehole, mean-spirited blokes spewing hatefilled rants?

Like a lot of fucktards ARE doing with their pathetic payback for Pearl Harbour & the whales ignorant postings

Or the genuinely good blokes that are on sites like Spacelook to connect with their fans

And maybe give them a laugh every now & then

I feel a song coming on

A love song even

Dedicated to Mark Zuckerberg Dark Fuckingterd

UPDATE: one of Dad’s fans (Hi Malcolm!) has started a “BRING BACK KEV!” page

CLICK HERE to add yourself to it & feel free to share it with your friends

This should be interesting…

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers

After leaving a gay nightclub

With a male companion as his passenger

The cops noticed him swerving all over the road ’cause he was getting his dick sucked

And charged him with a DUI

Hypocritical FUCKTARD much?

For a couple of reasons

Biggest reason?

As a mum, it’s breaking my heart

And I don’t know if it makes me a bad person

But I can’t watch the news coverage anymore

You donate what you can

And what else do you do?

I’m not a doctor, or a nurse

I can’t go over there and help in anyway

So, watching the non-stop story unfolding makes me feel helpless

And I don’t want to cry every time I see another child dying, or in pain

.

But I’ve been reading about a French politician (click here to read the story)

Who has been mouthing off running around bitching about the US troops and aid workers in Haiti

That the US has just come over to ‘occupy’ the country for it’s own benifit

OK?

Listen, you Froggy Fucktard

Geographically, common sense dictates that the US would be the first to arrive

They have the experience, the manpower, the money

Not to mention the ‘give a shit’ factor to get the job done

How about you take your ignorant arsehole-ish thoughts and ask the Haitian people what THEY think?

The ones whose lives have been saved

Seriously, fuck off back to France

And let the rest of the world do their job

the RED CROSS website

I won’t go into ‘WHY’

‘Cause I’d really rather not use the expression CUNTYCUNT at Christmas time

.

So, today’s blog is being sent to you from Diamond’s laptop

It may smell a little like beer

So I’ll apologise in advance for that

.

Anyhoooo

It’s snowing today

Hellooooo…..

Did you hear me?

IT’S FUCKING SNOWING TODAY!!

I can’t even tell you how much I love it when it snows

So, for my Chicago friends – and anyone else who reads this that gets snow where you live

You can go make a cuppa or something

As this blog will no doubt shit you to tears

Oh, and Chicago friends?

When it snows, you drive like ARSEHOLES!

To be fair, Diamond did warn me about you guys

He said, “Chicago drivers, when it rains, drive 5 miles per hour. When it snows? They go 100!”

And you know what?

He’s right! (don’t tell him I said that)

.

We’ve just had a light dusting of snow here the last couple of days

Making everything look so pretty and Christmassy

It’s also making the locals drive like their competing in a fucking demolition derby for Christ’s sake

.

Yesterday, I was coming up to a stop sign

And the 2 cars in front of me went nuts

The first one skidded straight through the sign

And the second one spun out and ended up with her car facing mine and our bumpers touching

And the car behind me, slid right up on the footpath, just missing me

I mean, don’t you think there’s a problem when the AUSTRALIAN, with her fuck all limited experience driving in the snow, is the one that stops properly?

Granted, I had my car in 4WD mode, and Diamond’s voice in my ear, “Don’t drive like a woman too fast”

And I would never profess to being a great driver

So I blame this white knuckled driving for driving me to drink more

And it’s too early for the pub to be open motherfuckers

So, this will have to do for now

The weather channel is reported that we’re expecting a huge snow storm in the next 24 hours

Or as Diamond so eloquently put it, “we’re gonna get fucking pounded”

Bring it on I say

I’d better get to the shops first and stock up on food

Well, just carrots really

For the snowman’s nose

Might grab some scotch too

To put in my coffee

That’ll make these fucktards on the road the school run WAY easier

Might give the driving a miss for the next day or so

Could be better for my kids in the long run too

They’re learning some great new words

Well, ALMOST learning them

During yesterday’s near disaster, I kinda forgot the kids were in the car

And proceeded to scream out “YOOOOOU FUCKWIT!”

Possibly more than twice

OK, so it was 3 times

Miss 6 asked me what that meant

And I played all dumb like, “What does what mean?”

“FUCKWIT?”

(I know somewhere on the other side of the world, my Dad’s chest is puffed out with pride as he reads this)

“Nooooooo, I said LUCKED IT. I was telling the other drivers that they totally LUCKED IT by not having a big crash”

“Ohhhhh”, she said.

“LUCKED IT. I like that mummy”

“YOOOOU LUCKED IT!”

.

I’m not sure I’m going to be able to get away with this bullshit much longer