Ding dong, the dickhead’s gone

I almost didn’t recognise him without his headdress

 

When I was little and we would travel to the city (from Kalgoorlie) for holidays

My brother & I used to share a room at my Nanna & Pop’s house

I always smile when I remember Nanna coming to tuck us in at night

She used to take out her teeth, lean over our bed and say,

“…don’t pith ya bed “

Classy?

No

Funny?

Every time

The only way it could have been funnier

Would have been her running around the room singing this one to us

Toothless of course

Kinda makes you wish you grew up in a cult too, doesn’t it?

On our mini-vacation last week – the kids had a ball

We went to Great Wolf Lodge again

But this time, thanks to my iPhone, we got STRAIGHT THERE

Unlike last time when I completely fucked up and took us HOURS in the wrong direction

So yeah, this trip was already going better than last time

We arrived in time to chuck our bathers on & go right downstairs to the indoor waterpark

Once the humid stench of chlorine and children became too much

We went outside to the hotel pool

Which has a bar, so Diamond and I made ourselves comfy while the girls played

They were running around, screaming & having a ball

But then I didn’t hear them & couldn’t see them

So I raced over to the water and saw this

Miss 6 floating on her stomach

And I just bout puked on myself

Until she stuck her head out of the water and started laughing

I’m like, DUDE!

You just about gave me a heart attack!!

Do you realise that when you lay on your tummy like that, with your arms stretched out to the side

It looks like you’ve drowned?

She said, Yeah Mummy I know

Apparently Miss 4 had showed her how to do it

And they were getting their jollys by taking turns to freak-the-fuck out of the teenage lifeguard

I’m starting to get a sense  that Miss 6 & Miss 4′s teenage years might not be the trouble-free-bonding-chick-flick-filled-laugh-a-minute joyride I was planning on

In fact, I’m ‘sensing’, their idea of fun & playing pranks might just turn those years into a fucking nightmare

Which is why I’m so grateful they have dual citizenship

And their Nanna & Poppy have a spare room

Buh bye!

I get asked a lot about WHO is out on the road when we’re touring

For the most part, it’s the same crew

When we work in different countries, we add locals to the tour

There’s ANNE in the UK

And IAN in New Zealand etc..

For longer tours, there’s usually a few more people on the road with us to keep us out of jail and help out

But for the most part, it’s the same core group of people each tour

So, for those of you who DON’T know the crew

I thought I’d introduce them to you!

Because I’m fucking lovely

OK

Firstly there’s Braden

Who likes to be called by his superhero name, SUPERSONIC MOOSE

SUPERSONIC MOOSE hails from New Zealand & takes care of all the sound for the shows

Lots of buttons & knob pulling really

But his first love is really costume design

And he hopes to one day work with the AUCKLAND MIDGET CIRCUS

As their chief curtain creator & g-string fitter

GOOOOO SUPERSONIC MOOSE!

The next member is also from New Zealand

He was shipped there in a Taiwanese basket from an orphanage in Instanbul

Where he was raised by nuns and called Darryn

Once he arrived in New Zealand he insisted on being addressed as his alter-ego, BURSTING MONKEY

BURSTING MONKEY is in charge of all the lighting requirements for the show

His love of LSD and all things flashing, make him a natural at it

He hopes to one day open his own lighting business

Specialising in chandeliers, lanterns & glo-sticks

BURSTING MONKEY….we couldn’t do it without you!

Now I’d like to introduce you to the NOCTURNAL INVADER

There was a time he was simply known as Hollywood

But he is internationally recognised these days as the NOCTURNAL INVADER

The NOCTURNAL INVADER is the tour manager

His position is vital to an efficient tour being a smooth operation

Specifically, making sure the toilet paper backstage is ALWAYS 3 ply

The straws are the BENDY kind

The colour of the rental cars can ONLY be FOREST GREEN (or pacific blue if there’s no other choice)

And perhaps the most critical part of every tour

That the dressing rooms always have ample supply of clear nail polish and stuffed olives

The NOCTURNAL INVADER hopes to retire one day to a commune on the beach

Where there’s daily co-ed limbo competitions & unlimited internet

Now I know most of you are aware of my Mum, Betty

But did you know, out here on the road, she goes by her stage name, KITTY GLITTER?

KITTY GLITTER’S role out here is vital too

Not only does she load in all the equipment from the truck (by herself)

She also does the crew’s makeup and astrological charts

Her dream is to one day be the sweatband/towel holder for the Bay City Rollers reunion tour

But for now, we love her weekly poetry readings from the Kama Sutra

And last, but by NO MEANS least is MOHAMMED AKHMAL LICKAMYARSE

He officially had his name changed from Kev after receiving a copy of the Koran

At a Muslim bikie festival in Kentucky last year

The big wheel in our entertainment extravaganza

Without him, there would be no nude sunbathing

No home-cooked hash cookies

Imagine a world without syncronised swimming classes and free genital waxing

That would be OUR world without MOHAMMED

No. Thank. You

So that is our crew

Make sure to say hi the next time you’re at a show

Or run into them at your local library or AA meeting

And use their ALIAS or SUPERHERO names too

They LOVE that shit

PS – MY other name is HUMMUGUSBOTTOM RUNNY POO STINK FINGER

But you can just call me JENNY