I get asked a lot about WHO is out on the road when we’re touring
For the most part, it’s the same crew
When we work in different countries, we add locals to the tour
There’s ANNE in the UK
And IAN in New Zealand etc..
For longer tours, there’s usually a few more people on the road with us to keep us out of jail and help out
But for the most part, it’s the same core group of people each tour
So, for those of you who DON’T know the crew
I thought I’d introduce them to you!
Because I’m fucking lovely
OK
Firstly there’s Braden
Who likes to be called by his superhero name, SUPERSONIC MOOSE
SUPERSONIC MOOSE hails from New Zealand & takes care of all the sound for the shows
Lots of buttons & knob pulling really
But his first love is really costume design
And he hopes to one day work with the AUCKLAND MIDGET CIRCUS
As their chief curtain creator & g-string fitter
GOOOOO SUPERSONIC MOOSE!
The next member is also from New Zealand
He was shipped there in a Taiwanese basket from an orphanage in Instanbul
Where he was raised by nuns and called Darryn
Once he arrived in New Zealand he insisted on being addressed as his alter-ego, BURSTING MONKEY
BURSTING MONKEY is in charge of all the lighting requirements for the show
His love of LSD and all things flashing, make him a natural at it
He hopes to one day open his own lighting business
Specialising in chandeliers, lanterns & glo-sticks
BURSTING MONKEY….we couldn’t do it without you!
Now I’d like to introduce you to the NOCTURNAL INVADER
There was a time he was simply known as Hollywood
But he is internationally recognised these days as the NOCTURNAL INVADER
The NOCTURNAL INVADER is the tour manager
His position is vital to an efficient tour being a smooth operation
Specifically, making sure the toilet paper backstage is ALWAYS 3 ply
The straws are the BENDY kind
The colour of the rental cars can ONLY be FOREST GREEN (or pacific blue if there’s no other choice)
And perhaps the most critical part of every tour
That the dressing rooms always have ample supply of clear nail polish and stuffed olives
The NOCTURNAL INVADER hopes to retire one day to a commune on the beach
Where there’s daily co-ed limbo competitions & unlimited internet
Now I know most of you are aware of my Mum, Betty
But did you know, out here on the road, she goes by her stage name, KITTY GLITTER?
KITTY GLITTER’S role out here is vital too
Not only does she load in all the equipment from the truck (by herself)
She also does the crew’s makeup and astrological charts
Her dream is to one day be the sweatband/towel holder for the Bay City Rollers reunion tour
But for now, we love her weekly poetry readings from the Kama Sutra
And last, but by NO MEANS least is MOHAMMED AKHMAL LICKAMYARSE
He officially had his name changed from Kev after receiving a copy of the Koran
At a Muslim bikie festival in Kentucky last year
The big wheel in our entertainment extravaganza
Without him, there would be no nude sunbathing
No home-cooked hash cookies
Imagine a world without syncronised swimming classes and free genital waxing
That would be OUR world without MOHAMMED
No. Thank. You
So that is our crew
Make sure to say hi the next time you’re at a show
Or run into them at your local library or AA meeting
And use their ALIAS or SUPERHERO names too
They LOVE that shit
PS – MY other name is HUMMUGUSBOTTOM RUNNY POO STINK FINGER
But you can just call me JENNY
