Was a perfect opportunity to bring pressies for my family and friends WITH me

Instead of sending them, like I do every year

Hence me traveling with a bazillion cases

Today I am in Alice Springs, on my way to Granites (for 2 shows)

So I didn’t NEED to bring all the suitcases WITH me here

Luckily, I was able to leave the EXTRA cases in Melbourne (thanks Graeme) and I’ll get them back later in the week, when I come back for the CROWN shows

I had all my own stuff scattered in amongst the Chrissy pressies – to try and even out the weight of all the toys ‘n shit I had packed

So responsible and organised, hey?

Of course not – this IS ME we’re talking about here

I am sitting in my Alice Springs hotel room

With a suitcase and a guitar

The guitar is a win

The suitcase? Fuck.

I’m sure it comes as a surprise to NO ONE, that I brought a suitcase with me based on, “…yep, that’s the black one with all my work clothes and stuff I need in it”

Yep, wrong black suitcase

I have shoes, toys, books, DVDs and toiletries

What I do NOT have, is clothes

Nope

No work clothes, regular clothes, pyjamas or fucking underwear

I will be going commando until further notice continue to amaze myself

(heading to Australia for the Melbourne shows with Dad)

I took the pics to show myself just how ridiculous it is

To be going on the shortest trip I’ve been on all year

With as much luggage as I had when the whole family went to Oz in July

But it’s Christmas!

I wanted to bring MORE

The photos were also to show the Qantas folks WHAT my luggage LOOKS like

Just in case they ‘happen’ to lose my shit

Again

It didn’t take long to forget about the bags

And look at that puppy with the sad face

He doesn’t like it when the suitcases come out

He misses me when I go away

Right back atchya Fluffinator

Right back atchya.

After not bothering to go to bed after the Sunday night gig in Cairns

‘Cause really, if it’s 2am – and I’m leaving for the airport at 4am – any kind of nap I took would be more like a coma

Meaning I would sleep through the alarm clock, the taxi driver banging at my door – and most probably my flight

In my delirious state, I made it to the airport, checked in

And kept walking around in circles knowing that if I sat, I would be out cold

Which I was – as soon as my bum hit the seat on the plane

I woke up several hours later, when we touched down in Sydney

My eyes were almost glued shut with caca-poo-poo (our family’s dumb-arse name for the crap that miraculously accumulates in your eye bits while your sleeping)

I also had a lovely trail of dried dribble down the right side of my face. I was trying to indiscreetly wipe it off when the old dude next to me informed me that, “…well young lady, aren’t YOU quite the sleep talker”

The fuck? And no, I didn’t ask him what I was talking about. There’s some things you just don’t need to know

Had enough time at Sydney airport to grab some mags, snacks & an iPhone charger. My 3rd one for the trip. What? Like you’ve never lost 2 iPhone chargers in 3 weeks

Boarded the Sydney flight, next to smelly lady

I’m not even joking when I tell you that a busted arsehole would have smelt better

Putrid to the point of gagging. So fucking gross

But in a sign that maybe one of the Qantas crew might be my friend on Facebook – a boy so fab I would have given him a tonguey if he wasn’t as gay as my cousin’s husband who totally wears dresses and goes cruising but thinks we all don’t know about it

He came up to stale vagina lady and asked if she’d like a row to herself. I’m like, of course she does! Go…go….FUCKING GO! I tried to be as encouraging as possible, without actually pushing her out of her seat. As that would have required ‘touching’ her. Nothankyouverymuch

And go she did. Not only did that leave an empty seat next to me (that I had to use half a bottle of hand sanitizer and the last of my Narciso Rodriguez perfume on, to make it non vomitty) Stale vagina lady was now at the other end of the plane (where coincidentally a baby started, at that moment, crying it’s box off. And didn’t stop for hours. I think the little bugger was eventually overcome but the fumes and passed out)

Then we sat on that plane for nearly TWO HOURS. Which is complete bullshit. And not just because in that time, my laptop, iPad & iPhone went flat (because I didn’t have time to use my new charger yet, duh) AND i ran out of snacks. OK, so that’s PROBABLY why is was bullshit

We eventually took off – and I was out light a light almost immediately. Only to be woken up for dinner. Fuck. It was hard to be mad at gay Qantas boy though. ‘Cause in my effort to be super-efficient-world- traveler – I had preordered a special meal, knowing that they brought those out earlier than the other meals. It was part of my master plan to eat, use the toilet before any other passengers filled it with their after-meal stink bombs, and be sleeping like a bay-bay before the other suckers even got their meals

My plan had a slight flaw, as most of my plans do. Instead of ticking ‘vegetarian’ meal (which are pretty much the same as real people food, minus the steak, but INCLUDING the desert) I had ticked diabetic. This meant that gay Qantas boy was WORRIED about me, and made it his mission that I, IN NO FUCKING WAY, sleep through a meal – lest I seizure on his shift

It meant not much sleep – and chocolate all over my bum, cause I was trying to hide kitkat wrappers from him. I didn’t want him to think my ‘diabetes’ was self inflicted, you know?

Anyhoo – arrived in LA – 3 hours late. Missed my connection to Chicago. Lined up forever at immigration. Waited forever for my bags. Got in the wrong line to recheck my bags. And was pretty much a big ball of EVERY ONE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, by the time I got on my next flight

By the time I arrived at my house,  some 35+ hors after leaving Cairns, I was out of it. Dizzy, tired, and barely upright

Then I saw my babies, my Diamond, and my dog

There were flowers waiting for me. Perfume (’cause Diamond had obviously read my post about stale vagina lady and was worried there might have been some shit-smell-transference) And these…

(which I probably ordered for myself online last week, but whatevs….they were STILL waiting for me)

There were cuddles, bedtime stories (that Magoo read TO ME! She could only read a few words when I left *sob*)

So, no matter what the journey’s like

When your destination is home….it’s ALWAYS worth it.

(Except maybe for the jet lag part, which has you up at 1:15am writing stupid-long-blogs, ’cause it’s the quietest thing you can do at stupid o’clock)

As some of you guessed correctly, I went to Bush Babes place on Monday

She’s my internet blogging bud

Who I’d only met briefly before

So I was most excited to get to see her piece of paradise here in Queensland

BB’s cattle ranch kinda makes ‘butt fuck Idaho’ seem like it’s just down the road

But once I dropped Mum & Dad off in Bundy

I headed off solo

Kind of excited to have a bit of road trip on my own and not have to listen to Mum & Dad trying (& succeeding) to gross me out by talking about old people sex

BB had given me detailed directions, and a meeting point

Game on

I knew I was getting close when the bitumen roads ran out, I was dodging more than kangaroos

And I was driving on the red dirt

Did you ever see a road sign that says, ‘DIP’?

I’ve seen them before, but I never knew what that meant ’til yesterday

It’s a warning that your hire car is about to get AIR

Who knew minivans could fly..??

I arrived at our meeting point totally early

And waited for BB

And because I have the patience of a 2 year old

After 10 minutes, I was SURE she wasn’t going to show up

So I re-read her directions

Which also told me where her kid’s school was – which was much closer to her place

So I headed there

Found it fine

Now what?

I couldn’t ring her and tell her where I was

There’s no mobile service ANYWHERE around there

What’s that you say? Why would I drive somewhere where she had NO IDEA I was going to be – AND after I’d been repeatedly warned about no mobile coverage..??

Blah blah, fuck off not listening

So I saw two blokes digging a hole in front of a little house – and decided to ask directions. That’s the plus side of living in the bush – everyone knows where everyone else is at….luckily for me!

After they had a chuckle to themselves about my fucktardness a lot of instructions, like: finger pointing,  over thatta ways, cross the little creek – not the big one, and just follow your nose – I was off on my merry way again

Old mate had told me I was about 30kms from BB’s house. After I’d been driving for about 40kms, I thought I might be lost. I’ve always been a bit of a math whizz

Turns out I was lost

Go me

Fortunately my training in outback survival (the Crocodile Hunter & Swiss Family Robinson reruns) made me not worry too much

Plus I still had a bottle of Sprite & half a packet of fruit tingles to my name. I could last for DAYS!

I came to a sign, that just confused me more. After a quick eeny-meeny-miny-moe – I picked a direction

Yes, OF COURSE it was the wrong one…duh

And in my continued quest to drive further and further away from where I was SUPPOSED to be fucking headed – I came to this bridge. That scared the bejeezus out of me. I was shitting myself about driving over it. It was so narrow. What if I got the shakes and my wobbly wheel hands failed me, and I went over? If I drowned out here I would be SO embarrassed.

So I did what any spaz that has watched too much Nightline would do –  I rolled down all my windows and undid my seatbelt, just in case I needed to escape once the car plunged into the drink. That’s called planning ahead people.

I made it over – but not before promising myself that if I had to drive BACK over this bridge – the hire car was getting abandoned, and I was going to fucking swim

After the bridge, as I was contemplating pulling over to change my undies, my phone beeped. OMG you guys, I’d found a patch of ‘no where’, where my PHONE WORKED….huzzah! I could make a call, AND change knickers – things were looking UP!

So I pulled over and called BB’s house. Luckily her (no doubt laughing at my blonde-citiness) husband was home – and gave me NEW directions – THAT I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO. Realising that you’re not actually traveling with a spare set of knickers will do that to a girl

Aaaannnd I got there! 2 hours after I was SUPPOSED to be there

BB’s gorgeous (6 yr old) daughter had set up my room for me. She wanted it to look just like a hotel. She’d picked flowers and even put scissors with my soap for easy opening. What hotel does that?

We had a fabulous home cooked meal accompanied by wine and lots of laughs

I didn’t need much rocking’ by bed time

Woke up bright & early this morning, greeted at the front steps, by this little cutie

Her name is Bay Leaf – and she just lost her Mum. She’s only a week old, so BB & her family are giving her lots of TLC to make sure she’s OK. I was on breastfeeding duty this morning. And by breastfeeding, I mean out of a BIG ol’ bottle. I decided that the teet on that thing looks like a midgets vibrator. Not that I’ve ever SEEN a midget’s vibrator.

Then BB took me for a drive around their property. It was absolutely breathtaking – such a jaw dropping part of the Aussie landscape. It really is like their own piece of paradise – and I love how much they love where they are.

We stopped by the boys who were working the cattle. ‘Working’ means I can’t remember the proper name for what they were doing. But it did involve putting their arms up cows bums to see if they were pregnant. It was easier to watch knowing they were using gloves. And lube.

If they WERE pregnant, they got sent one way. If they WEREN’T, they went the other way. The ‘other’ way was where a big horny bull was waiting for them. Those cows have the life, I tell ya

We headed back to the ranch, where BB fed me again, gave me my very own coffee travel mug (she must have seen the coffee splatters on all the inside of the car. Country roads and McDonald’s take away cups are a messy combo) then sent me on my way – but not before making me PROMISE to call her as soon as I arrived in Bundy safely. Can’t imagine why *ahem*

There is nothing that comes close to the awesomeness of country hospitality. Thanks so much BB – next time I’m bringing the family.

I’ve already started a ‘to bring with me’ list

Gum boots

Life jacket

More fruit tingles

Flowers for the girl cows

A bib for Bay Leaf

More wine (cause I think we drank all yours)

And a fucking GPS!!

* CLICK HERE for Bush Babe’s blog version of my visit. (it’s just like mine, but without the crappy photos, swearing and spelling mistakes)

On my lonesome

A Thelma without her Louise

With no GPS

No mobile phone

No sleep

I would be nervous

Except I AM traveling with a case of wine

So don’t you be worrying about me

Imma gonna be just fine thankyouverymuch

I’ll tell you more about it a little bit later

In the meantime, here’s a couple of clues

And no, I’m not going out for steak

And you KNOW I won’t be going horse riding again!

Hmmmm….

*awesome pics from the fab photog Bush Babe <<– big ol’ clue right thar

And yes it was

Surrounded by mountains in every direction

We decided to enjoy the view from the comfort of a paddle boat

Disguised as a pink gorilla

That’s how the classy tourists roll

We kept out distance from the others

Only because the one time we ventured close to their game or water-rugby-played-on-floating-pontoons

We got splashed big time and ended up with wet bums

Boys are such arseholes so silly sometimes

Then we felt a bit sorry for Dad

He had been in the toilet for over an hour and missed out on coming out on our ride

So we paddled back to him and offered him a ride in our homosexual Magilla Gorilla

He declined, homophobe

And opted for a phallic symbol canoe instead

There a fewer things that look more wrong than Dad, in a canoe, on a lake in Japan, rowing himself around in circles

But even more entertaining?

His dismount

Which started with a bit or reverse parking

And backseat driving from Mum

I could’ve helped them

But wanted to make sure I had the camera ready to go in case either one of them landed in the drink

Which is exactly what they’d do to me were the situation reversed

All together now….We. Are. fucked in the head Family.

Poor little pet had quite the sweat going on once he got to dry land

But wait, there’s more….but not yet ’cause I need to restring my guitars. Or find someone I can pay to do it for me.

We left Perth Wednesday flying Malaysian Airlines. We don’t normally fly with them, so we weren’t sure what we were going to get

We were hoping for airborn

What we got was 5 hours of non-stop food and niceness from the lovelies that were our flight attendants

A quick stop in Kuala Lumpur, then the same sensational treatment for another 7 hours

This trip was starting out better than a free foot rub

And we hadn’t even got there yet!

My next holiday is going to be just sitting on a Malaysian Airlines flight – never getting off – just kicking back, watching movies and feeding my face

If those planes could add a pond to fish in, I could even talk Diamond into coming

We arrived at Narita airport to meet the festival organisers and some of the other musos

Then we jumped on the bus for a 4 hour drive to Hakuba, where Saturday’s concert was being held

The 4 hour drive got stretched out to nearly 5 1/2 hours

On account of 3 stops and my constant need to take photos of the toilets

Those things are heated

And while none of the buttons you see in the pic (below) actually flush the thing

They will give your vajay-jay quite the splash, rinse or blow dry

I felt like a new girl

Next stop had one like this (below)

I acutally had to double check the sign outside to make sure I was really in the girl’s loo

It was

And I had a lot of trouble sitting on this thing for a wee

Most uncomfy on my bum bone

Makes sense really

‘Cause I was told afterwards that it’s for women to SQUAT over and pee in!

Score one for the dip shit Aussie tourist

Another stop was Okaya City

With amazing views and a STARBUCKS!

Fuck yeah!

Until it was time to throw my rubbish out

And I got all intimidated by the massive selection of bins that looked like Octomom had given birth to a litter of R2D2s

I still have my rubbish

It should be noted that the cake pops in Japan taste nothing like the ones I’ve eaten by the truckload in other countries

I’m pretty sure they laced these mothers with wasabi

Yep, not good at all

Anyhoo

After much driving, vajay-jay washing and rubbish hoarding

We made it to our destination

But wait, there’s more… but not yet ’cause I’m back in Kuala Lumpur, and the fabbo shops here close in 1 hour…BYE! (or is that BUY?)

You may think it’s a bit brown

Me?

I’m thinking it’s exactly like Mr. Miyagi’s house in the Karate Kid movie

I’m kinda waiting for Ralph Macchio to knock on my door

So I’m doing some “waxing on, waxing off”….just in case!

I know I’m not the only fossil out there that remembers this awesomeness

Mum, Dad & I are heading off to Japan this week, to play at this

Well, Dad & I are playing at it

Mum has to come too

Or we’d have no clean underwear

Or someone to fill in those custom forms for us

I’ve never been to Japan and I’m a bit excited

Going to ride the bullet train

Eat REAL sushi

Do as many touristy things as our schedule permits

Might even go and get made up as  geisha

If I can find a kimono that comes in size buffalo

My brother dropped of a guide book of useful Japanese phrases

You know, because he’s a pilot which is totally a real job and means he’s smart and probably adopted and travels even more than I do

He said it would be a great help to me

I’ve looked through it twice and can’t find the phrases that I think I’d really need to know

Like,

What the fuck is that on my plate?

Yes, all Australian girls are exactly like me

Is your internet high speed….like, downloading porn high speed?

I’m really sorry about that smell….it was probably me

No, he’s not my father

I don’t have enough yen to to post bail…I’ll trade you my freedom for a guitar with big boobies on the back, deal?

With Diamond and the girls

My best friend and her family

On their property down south

Pretty sure I’m never coming back