Than with butterfly cupcakes

Happy Birthday to one of my favourite people on the planet

Love you Nanna x

This little Aussie is giving away five copies of my new DVD, WHO DARES GRINS

Yep, 5 DVDs in 5 days!

This competition is for all my mates on all the social networking sites

All you need to do is share!

You’ve seen my new vid, SHIT (BOGAN) AUSTRALIANS SAY

It doesn’t come much more Aussie than that, does it?

If you post the link, share the video, or post the video, consider yourself in with a chance!

I’ll be checking Facebook, Twitter, YouTube - all of it, over the next 5 days

And will pick one random winner each day

Remember what your Mum said, “SHARE!”

Good Luck!

Here’s the YouTube link for the clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdOXNDUsp4k

On Twitter? Here’s your link: http://clicktotweet.com/sZa0d

** UPDATE **

Winner #1 BRIAN REDMAN from Queensland

Winner #2 FLOSS FLOSSEY BOYD from New Zealand

Winner #3 PETER BLAIR from Scotland

Winner #4 RUSS FAHLGREN from Texas

Winner #5 TRACIE COLLINS from the UK

I’ve been laughing my arse off at a lot of them

My faves are this one and this one

Then my mate Marty suggested I give it a go so you can blame her for this

It didn’t take me long to figure out who would be saying the ‘shit’ in my vid

And before the bogans of the world get all spewy with me for taking the piss

Remember, I’m from Kalgoorlie

Where bogans were  INVENTED

With two very special friends in tow

Gifts for Macaroni & Magoo from Poppy

I think we should call them Kylie & Jason

So far they’ve been pretty trouble-free traveling companions

One flight to go

This last trip back to Oz was  a brilliant way to finish off an amazing year

Melbourne is one of the best places in the world to be at Christmas time

So much going on – and the shopping…

Oh, I get teary just thinking about it

Mum and I werrrked that shit, I can tell ya

The city is decked out with all the holiday trimmings and you can’t help but feel all Christmassy inside. A perfect place for a xmas-a-holic like me

And this little dude

Loved him

He belted out some Maroon Five and killed it

The bounty of bucks in his guitar case, showed that I wasn’t his only fan

Then there were the shows in Melbourne

At the beautiful Crown Casino

It’s a pretty flash venue with some shit hot accommodation going on

And they let US stay there

Bonus

We had two packed nights

With the always in top form, Melbourne crowds

Plus, peeps that had flown in from all over Australia to catch our last 2 shows for the year

We got to catch up with great fans

And hang out after the shows

Got spoilt rotten with gifts

Yes, this glass does say ‘fucking legend’

I’m pretty sure it’s referring to my ‘don’t even TRY to out drink me ‘cause I am gifted at this shit’ wine drinking skills

But the best part for me

Was finishing the trip with a 24 hour stopover in Perth

Getting to see my family

Seeing my nephews rip into their Christmas pressies

And the main reason for the whirlwind visit

To visit my Nanna and Pop

I can’t even tell you how good it was to see them

My Christmas present to myself

Best. Present. Ever.

After not bothering to go to bed after the Sunday night gig in Cairns

‘Cause really, if it’s 2am – and I’m leaving for the airport at 4am – any kind of nap I took would be more like a coma

Meaning I would sleep through the alarm clock, the taxi driver banging at my door – and most probably my flight

In my delirious state, I made it to the airport, checked in

And kept walking around in circles knowing that if I sat, I would be out cold

Which I was – as soon as my bum hit the seat on the plane

I woke up several hours later, when we touched down in Sydney

My eyes were almost glued shut with caca-poo-poo (our family’s dumb-arse name for the crap that miraculously accumulates in your eye bits while your sleeping)

I also had a lovely trail of dried dribble down the right side of my face. I was trying to indiscreetly wipe it off when the old dude next to me informed me that, “…well young lady, aren’t YOU quite the sleep talker”

The fuck? And no, I didn’t ask him what I was talking about. There’s some things you just don’t need to know

Had enough time at Sydney airport to grab some mags, snacks & an iPhone charger. My 3rd one for the trip. What? Like you’ve never lost 2 iPhone chargers in 3 weeks

Boarded the Sydney flight, next to smelly lady

I’m not even joking when I tell you that a busted arsehole would have smelt better

Putrid to the point of gagging. So fucking gross

But in a sign that maybe one of the Qantas crew might be my friend on Facebook – a boy so fab I would have given him a tonguey if he wasn’t as gay as my cousin’s husband who totally wears dresses and goes cruising but thinks we all don’t know about it

He came up to stale vagina lady and asked if she’d like a row to herself. I’m like, of course she does! Go…go….FUCKING GO! I tried to be as encouraging as possible, without actually pushing her out of her seat. As that would have required ‘touching’ her. Nothankyouverymuch

And go she did. Not only did that leave an empty seat next to me (that I had to use half a bottle of hand sanitizer and the last of my Narciso Rodriguez perfume on, to make it non vomitty) Stale vagina lady was now at the other end of the plane (where coincidentally a baby started, at that moment, crying it’s box off. And didn’t stop for hours. I think the little bugger was eventually overcome but the fumes and passed out)

Then we sat on that plane for nearly TWO HOURS. Which is complete bullshit. And not just because in that time, my laptop, iPad & iPhone went flat (because I didn’t have time to use my new charger yet, duh) AND i ran out of snacks. OK, so that’s PROBABLY why is was bullshit

We eventually took off – and I was out light a light almost immediately. Only to be woken up for dinner. Fuck. It was hard to be mad at gay Qantas boy though. ‘Cause in my effort to be super-efficient-world- traveler – I had preordered a special meal, knowing that they brought those out earlier than the other meals. It was part of my master plan to eat, use the toilet before any other passengers filled it with their after-meal stink bombs, and be sleeping like a bay-bay before the other suckers even got their meals

My plan had a slight flaw, as most of my plans do. Instead of ticking ‘vegetarian’ meal (which are pretty much the same as real people food, minus the steak, but INCLUDING the desert) I had ticked diabetic. This meant that gay Qantas boy was WORRIED about me, and made it his mission that I, IN NO FUCKING WAY, sleep through a meal – lest I seizure on his shift

It meant not much sleep – and chocolate all over my bum, cause I was trying to hide kitkat wrappers from him. I didn’t want him to think my ‘diabetes’ was self inflicted, you know?

Anyhoo – arrived in LA – 3 hours late. Missed my connection to Chicago. Lined up forever at immigration. Waited forever for my bags. Got in the wrong line to recheck my bags. And was pretty much a big ball of EVERY ONE LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, by the time I got on my next flight

By the time I arrived at my house,  some 35+ hors after leaving Cairns, I was out of it. Dizzy, tired, and barely upright

Then I saw my babies, my Diamond, and my dog

There were flowers waiting for me. Perfume (’cause Diamond had obviously read my post about stale vagina lady and was worried there might have been some shit-smell-transference) And these…

(which I probably ordered for myself online last week, but whatevs….they were STILL waiting for me)

There were cuddles, bedtime stories (that Magoo read TO ME! She could only read a few words when I left *sob*)

So, no matter what the journey’s like

When your destination is home….it’s ALWAYS worth it.

(Except maybe for the jet lag part, which has you up at 1:15am writing stupid-long-blogs, ’cause it’s the quietest thing you can do at stupid o’clock)

Sydney tour is done & dusted

And now it’s time to kick off my solo shows in Western Australia

Game on!

THURSDAY 25th August, COWARANUP (Cowie Club) 08 9755 5190

SATURDAY 27th August, NORTHAM (Northam Country Club) 08 9622 1050

I’m not sure why this picture ended up so big on here, it’s all stretched out and fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean totally out of proportion to the point where I look way thinner

So yeah, I’m leaving it like that.

I’m headed back to WA for a month

Getting to take the girls back is very exciting

They haven’t been to WA in 4 years

M&M are most excited to see their cousins and watch movies in Nanna & Poppy’s big-arse home theatre

I think I’m most excited about the solo shows I’ll be doing when I get there

Why?

Because I’ll have my jet lagged as a mother fucker coz he hates to fly and will need to be heavily sedated just to drive to the airport Diamond with me!

B-b-b-buh-RING it!

* COWARANUP * BULLSBROOK * NORTHAM * NARROGIN *

*PERTH * KALGOORLIE * RAVENSWOOD * COLLIE *

* JUIREN BAY * GERALDTON * LANCELIN *

But not quite yet…

By the time you are reading this

I will be home

Well, not home in my house, home

But back in Chicago, at my in-law’s house

For my mother-in-law Mary’s, 70th birthday party

It’s a surprise party

I’m pretty sure 70 has got be the cut off age

For jumping out from behind doors & couches

Yelling, “SURPRISE!” at some poor, unsuspecting soul

She’s such a wonderful lady, it’s going to be awesome to see everyone she loves, altogether

Honoring her

She’s a funny fucker too

But one of those funny fuckers that has no idea just how hilarious she is

Example – the day I met her and Diamond’s dad, Joe

Yeah, that’s right – Joseph & Mary

Very easy to remember for a good Catholic girl even for a recovering Catholic like me

Mary: You likin’ this snowy Chicago weather?

Remember, this is spoken in the thickest Chicago accent

Think Tony Soprano with an apron and a perm

Me: Well I haven’t been around snow much before, so it’s still a novelty…I like it

Mary: This weather’s only good for one thing

Me: What’s that?

Mary: Fucking.

I knew right then that I would marry Diamond

Just to be able to call this 4 foot 10 powerhouse my mother-in-law

Anyhoo

Barring any flight delays, volcanic ash clouds, or natural distasters

I will be arriving at the party about 2 hours after it starts

So all the guests should be getting liquored up have their ‘buzz’ on by that stage

And hopefully won’t even notice my plane hair, food stains down my shirt

Swollen feet and bloodshot eyes

And all the other beauty bonuses that 20 hours of flying can bestow on a girl

Just give me a big hug and a bigger wine please

Not necessarily in that order

Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.

Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.

Now, I’m all about safety

Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky

We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled

To be honest, we’d been following the news all week

So we were kind of prepared for it

And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe

So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again

In one day….two days?

The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably

She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th

Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??

That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY

I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?

She said, yes – all the flights are full

Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?

She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day

I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!

And then deal with the consequences of that?

I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job

But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out

And the other one is a bitch

(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)

Anyhoo

The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”

Call terminated with a fuck you, you fucking fuck

Then this tweet

So  a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights

I saw how  much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were

My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening

That was then

But now?

The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question

I felt sick just thinking about it

And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?

I get that

But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode

And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife

And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo

It might not make sense to you and my credit card will never understand

But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady

I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand

Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE

On that  crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago

And when I got to the airport today

My heart broke a little

When I saw all the cancelled flights

All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options

They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be

I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now

As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight

I am feeling nothing but grateful

And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it

And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe

You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell

Whatever…just email me.

PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them

and makes me mouth vomit