(arse)hole in one

The gym I’ve been going to, well I probably should say have GONE to…as in, today’s only the second time I’ve been since I got home
What?
I think all that matters is that GYM and I WENT were used in the same sentence. Agreed?
Anyhoo – there are about 5 gyms pretty close to my house
I choose to go to the one 10 minutes further away than the rest
It’s full of old people, and frankly, that suits me
They’re friendly, they leave me alone, and it’s not a fashion parade
I wouldn’t be comfortable in a gym full of hot skinny chicks in designer workout gear
Unless of course I was hot and skinny
Then you would find me there daily. Getting physical with my fluro leg warmers and Olivia Newton John g-string leotard.
But for now, I am a sporadic (at best) visitor to the wrinkly people hangout
Wearing my faded workout pants that I’ve had for years, matched with whatever old tshirt I grab
I love that whatever machine I go to use, I get to at least double the weights on it. Who cares if that’s because an 85 year old with brittle bones was using it before me.
I will put that shit in the WIN column any day

There’s an old guy there, I’ll call him Harry
He’s so hunched over, he is only inches away from being able to lick his own wedding tackle. Sounds good, but I feel bad for him. Everywhere he walks, all he sees is the floor, or his own belly button
Today he asked me what the time was. He said, “I can’t see the clock up there, and my eyesight is terrible”
“No worries”, I said. “It’s 8:15”
“Thank you.” And off he went
Over the next 20 minutes, I watched him walk into a treadmill, trip on a power cord, and head-but a Christmas tree
I was thinking about going and buying him a helmet and bringing back for him tomorrow

Then I saw him ask someone else for the time, explaining, as he did to me, that the clock is too high for him to see and his eyesight is not very good

As I was getting ready to leave, he shuffled up to me
I was just about to tell him what the time was again
When he said, “you know, you have a big hole in your pants….right there”, and he pointed right to my lady business
I looked down and saw the teeniest, tiny hole in the seam of my pants
I’m like, “Wait, so THAT, you can see??”

“Well played, you dirty old bastard”

hit pic, november 7 twenty twelve

Remember when Norman the Ninja swooped in and fucked my shit up? (read about the little bastard HERE)
We reckon there’s glittery bird poo all over Cardiff thanks to that feathered fucker.
Well, I ordered some more shirts
Then threw the buggered one away
But, even without the help of Norman, all the sparkly bits have been falling off by the bucketload.
Yo, Michael Kors, I think you need to glue your bling better on your blouses dude.

So, being the seamstress that suprisingly I am NOT, I took matters onto my own hands
Bought some superglue
Got all my new shirts together
And started glueing away
Piece of piss really

Until I tried to put one on
And realised the glue had seeped through the fabric
And glued the FRONT of the blouse to the BACK

This info should surprise absolutely no one who has ever met me

Whatevs, get lemons….make lemon vodka

Or, fuck all your work shirts up….it’s time for TOPLESS THURSDAY. 

 

blocked in gravesend

Sitting backstage in Gravesend after our second show

I’ve got a feeling I’m going to sound like a broken record on this tour

But seriously, it was a smaller venue than last night, but equally as loud

And so chuffed that they knew the words to ’50 SHADES’ when I’m still learning them myself!

I really wanted to show you my new F.O.C.U.S. t-shirts and beanies that arrived today. But the internet here at the venue has deemed my website ‘unsuitable’ and has blocked me from accessing my page, www.jennytalia.com

But I’m nothing, if not resourceful.

And just used Dad’s phone

No one puts Talia Baby in the corner!