Magoo got her first wobbly tooth a couple of months ago

And that tooth has stayed wobbly ALL THAT TIME

She wouldn’t let me yank it out, or even go near it

Two words – kill joy

When I left for the Queensland tour, I made her promise to not lose the tooth while I was gone

Knowing full well that it would fall out when it was good and ready. She’d have no say in when

So when I got home, I was surprised to see it still hanging in there

And I mean HANGING in there

Grody to the maximus

Her new tooth had completely grown in behind the wobbler

That old tooth was WAY beyond overstaying it’s welcome

Then the night I got home?

Shazam! That fucker fell out

She woke up the next morning and it was gone. We had to hunt for it in her bed.

The next night she was giddy with excitement that the tooth fairy was FINALLY going to come and visit her

After coming to see her sister EIGHT TIMES already (that girl has enough for a deposit on a house with all her stashed tooth fairy money)

Diamond & I did the stealth sneak into Magoo’s room

And in the middle of sprinkling glitter over her bed, leaving an “I lost my 1st tooth” certificate, and removing the tooth from under the pillow (yeah, I know….we’re nuts)

She sat up in bed. WIDE AWAKE

Fuck

Diamond and I should have been in the special forces we hit the deck so quickly

“Toof fairy…are you here?”

I was so tempted to answer in my best tooth fairy voice, “…yes, now go back to sleep. And remember to make your Mummy breakfast in the morning because she is the greatest”

But I thought she might get suspicious that the tooth fairy had an 80 year old chain-smoking man’s voice – just like her Mum

So for once, I stayed silent

She laid back down

Diamond & I waited, on the floor – in the dark – for-fucking-ever, until we heard the gently roar of her snoring

Then we put the certificate on her nightstand, threw the money, dumped out all the glitter – and booked it out of there before she woke up again

Mission accomplished….huzzah!!

She was SO FUCKING HAPPY when she woke up, I thought she was going to cry

So all these crazy things we do to see our kids smile, that hopefully their memories a little magical – are totally the shit when we manage to pull it off

Next up….Santa Claus

Imma gonna need more wine for that one

And a stunt double

 

This is Lindsay Lohan

Or should I say, was

This, is Lindsay Lohan now

Umm…’scuse me

But where in the dental handbook does it say meth mouth this look is cool?

I think somebody needs to start showing Miss Lohan some before & after ‘crack’ photos

Give her a bit of a glimpse into her future if she doesn’t get her shit together

Girls got so much natural talent that is just being boozed, binged and snorted away

It’s never too late, right?

You can see it in this picture

If you look closely

It’s much easier to spot in this one though

Still can’t see it?

Let’s use ‘pore cam’ then shall we?

See it now?

OK, how about ‘pore cam’ with a bigger grin

I KNOW you see it now

The great-giant-gap-of-grossness

You remember how it all went down, right? (CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T)

And some of the bullshit that’s happened since then CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT EITHER, ‘CAUSE WE’RE OBVIOUSLY STRANGERS)

So in keeping with my penchant for procrastinating

And because I’m going on tour tomorrow

Which is the start of lots back and forth-ing for the rest of the year

Making dentist visits hard to schedule and very easy to avoid

I figured I couldn’t put it off much longer

I went back to the dentist today to get the new tooth put in

Again

Quite the achievement since I had the original implant done in 2006

And have been fucking around with dentist visits, surgeries and cock ups since then

FIVE YEARS

And thoughts of big, scary looking whatever-the-fuck-this-is

Have helped me keep putting off the inevitable

So I put on my best patient face

Hardened up

And got it done

So I’m finally back to fully-full-on-face smilies

From the left AND RIGHT side now

It’s got me all motivated to keep on keeping on

Maybe some lipo?

Boob job?

I’m not sure if I the balls for that kinda stuff

I’m thinking I’ll just start small

Something subtle…

Like some 14K gold all up in my grills!!

To match my labia & nipple rings.

Miss 6 has a wobbly tooth

No biggy really

She’s already lost 2

Except both other times she lost a tooth

I was away

So I am determined to be here when this one falls out

I was worried that she was going to lose it last week while I was away

So I put supa-glue in her corn flakes

I was happy to see it still hanging there when I got back

Only it’s been ‘hanging in there’ for weeks now

I’m starting to worry it’ll still be there when I go back to work next month

So I’m trying to convince her to work on it for me

Her last 2 just fell out

She didn’t wobble them

Pull them

Nothing

That never happened when I was a kid

I remember playing with lose teeth forever

Yanking on them

Tying string around them and attaching it to a door handle

And then excitedly waiting to see what the tooth fairy would leave

Usually some money under my pillow

Diamond must have been drinking totally went to town with the whole ‘tooth fairy’ deal when Miss 6 lost her other teeth

Glitter on her pillow

A certificate from the tooth fairy

And $5 in a little silk pouch under her pillow

Hands up if you’re in touch with your ‘feminine side’?

Go Diamond

So, not to be outdone

When she loses this tooth

My plan was to dress up in a tutu

Fly through the window

With sparklers in my hand

Land on the end of her bed

With fairy makeup on (so she doesn’t recognise me)

And sing her the tooth fairy song

Which I totally need to finish writing

I’m nearly there

First it came loose

Then you finally lost your tooth

I’ve flown for days from the south

Thank Christ that bloody tooth came out

I was going to make the space

And just punch you in the face

But that’s not very nice

And I’ve already been to jail twice

Being someones bitch behind bars is scary

When you’re a sweet little tooth fairy

.

But then before school today

Miss 6 tells me that Sara from her school just lost a tooth

And the tooth fairy left her a Barbie Doll

How cool is that Mummy?

And WAY less work than the whole get drunk dress up – get a ladder – fly threw the window – break my fucking neck – sit on the end of the bed – scare the shit out of her – serenade her – clusterfuck that I had planned

So while Barbie might be a fake titted, plastic, slutty, bad role model

That bitch just saved this tooth fairy’s arse!

.

.

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*UPDATE – it came out (at school) the next day. So technically, I STILL wasn’t there when it happened. Fuck.