It became pretty obvious that Hollywood had been there first

(You remember how good of a driver he’s NOT, right?)

And had packed his ‘special’ driving skills to bring with him to South Africa

Bless

Then Mum & I went to the markets

And bought some stuff that I guarantee we won’t wear

Ever

But couldn’t resist at the time

Like these stunners!

We Skyped my girls when we got back to the hotel while we were still wearing the hats

And Miss 6  & Miss 4 were like, who are those beautiful hats for?

We LOVE THEM!

So that’s their presents sorted then

As you can tell by the above pic

The locals thought we were utter fucktards

No biggy

It’s not like we didn’t know that already

We stopped to see a street play on the way back to the hotel

There was probably 200 people standing around watching these guys perform

They weren’t speaking in English, so they kind of lost us

But the crowd were going crazy for them

One of the actors had his face painted white

And a fake pregnant belly on

As we walked past

He stopped, pointed to us, said something

And the crowd ROARED!

So we just smiled and waved

Trying to pretend like we knew what he said

Then he said something else

And everyone turned to look at us

Busted out laughing

And started pointing too

Mum’s: Why are they laughing at us?

What do you think he said?

Me: No doubt something about how totally hot we look in our new hats

Mum: You think?

Me: No. He probably said , hey there goes my sister! The blonde one!

With the white face & the big belly just like me!!

Mum: Yeah, that makes more sense

Nice Mum

Nice

Like my husband

He doesnʼt hate it

He just doesnʼt DO it

Because he doesnʼt CARE

He doesnʼt stress wearing 10 year old t-shirts or jocks with holes in them

In fact, I think he likes it

I, do not

So I shop for him

In the 10 years we have been together, I have purchased every item of clothing in his wardrobe

Every pair of shoes, and yes, every pair of jocks

I donʼt mind this at all

I love to shop

I donʼt care if itʼs light bulbs, beach towels or a dishwasher – if Iʼm shopping, Iʼm happy

My husband, on the other hand, shops twice a year

The day before Motherʼs Day, and the day before Christmas

And I have returned every thing he has ever bought me

Yep – every SINGLE thing

Ungrateful? Me? Not at all

See, my boy Diamond, is stuck in the eighties

If he could have me sporting a bad perm, blue eyeshadow & a Wham t-shirt, heʼd have a permanent boner

So yeah, I do the shopping

And as a polar opposite to this, thereʼs my Dad

The person I inherited my love of shopping from

I also got his short legs & dirty sense of humour

I just thank Christ I look like Mum

But hereʼs the thing – I HATE shopping with Dad

See, Iʼm a purpose shopper

I go in with a list, a plan & an exit strategy

Dad goes in with his credit card and wonʼt leave until heʼs looked in EVERY shop

Have you ever seen someone enjoy browsing through a butcherʼs?

Oh yes he does

Camera shops, hardware stores, supermarkets and ANY PLACE that sells watches or striped menʼs polo shirts

Heʼs not fussy

One shopping centre can take him HOURS to get through

And it does my frigginʼ head in

A couple of weeks ago we were in Cairns, and had a few hours to kill before we had to be at the airport

So heʼs perusing through the souvenir shops

ʻScuse me Dad, but arenʼt those for the Japs?

I was all, hey Dad, do you really need a purse made out of Kangaroo skin or a bloody tea towel with a picture of Ayres Rock on it?

But he wasnʼt listening and had moved on to the menʼs section, where he found a blue shirt he wanted, made out of bamboo

I said, Dad, youʼve bought nine shirts on this trip already

Your case is chockers – do you really need another shirt?

This is not just a shirt, he said.

I can wear this – and if Iʼm having a bad day, I can take it off, roll it up, and smoke it!

Uh Dad, itʼs not made out of HEMP – itʼs made out of BAMBOO

Yeah yeah, whatever, Iʼm getting it anyway

Next time he wants to go shopping, I’m giving him YOUR number

You don’t mind, do you?

super stylish photos from PEOPLE OF WALMART website

I was angry

But now, after looking at the photos from THE BIG PICTURE over at boston.com

I’m just sad

So sad

And I, along with so many other people

Just want it over

Want the people who’s lives & livelihood has been decimated by this

To have their world made right again

And those motherfuckers at BP (Big Pricks)

Held accountable

And for things to change

New laws, or whatever it takes

To make sure that this shit can NEVER happen again

And I know, I know, WE are the ones that create the demand for the oil

But surely there’s got to be kinder ways to get the job done

To protect those who need protecting

The people on the gulf coast

And these poor animals

.

Sorry, were you eating?

.

Here’s the deal

It’s illegal in this country

And America

And the United Kingdom

Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden

As it should fucking be

These are civilsed, Western countries

Where women are treated equally & with respect

But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia

.

I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable

Part of the culture

And abides by people’s religious beliefs

Your country, your rules

.

But here’s the thing

This is Australia

Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises

And you know what else?

It’s OK for them to use them too

To touch them

To have them touched

And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you

Bring a woman PLEASURE

‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like

Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion

But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction

Pleasure, orgasm even

And that’s the crux of this debate

.

Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal

Your culture treats them as second class citizens

And their right to sexual pleasure?

Forget about it

That’s reserved for men only

But you know what, I may not agree with it

In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is

The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach

As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive

But that’s just my opinion

.

But you chose to come to Australia

A Western country

Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?

If your country & culture is so vital to your existence

Then why did you choose to live here?

I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here

Then why not respect our laws?

Our culture

And yes, our women

.

You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this

And try to be reasonable

Present a thought out, well worded argument

But I think the five words that sum it up best

FIT IN OR FUCK OFF

And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you

Can we have a word?

No, really

It’s kind of embarrassing

I’m a proud Aussie

Always have been

But you guys are making life hard

It’s bad enough living on the other side of the world and only hearing about the homeland in the news if there’s a shark attack

Or about a guy caught shagging at the gas station

And it’s never good to be from the country that has politicians parading around in cock jocks

And now?

I’ve read in the paper

Online

Seen it on CNN

All over the bloody joint

The NAKED AUSTRALIANS!!!

‘Cause a photographer

Some bloke called Spencer Tunick

Is a total uncle pervey known for taking naked pics of people all over the world

‘ART’, apparently

And his latest targeted fetish subject happened to be Australians

Oh, the PRIDE!

Don’t try and tell me there is not a weirdo contingent that LIVES for this shit

Parading around with their dribbling semi-boners checking out the tit parade

And girls?

Oh, girls

Do you not put toilet paper on a public toilet seat before you squat your bot?

You do?

Good

Well then, what the fuck’s up with trotting out your uncovered minges in public – and rubbing it up against strangers, sidewalks and the FUCKING SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE for fuck’s sake??

I know that a huge percentage of you could not have posed for these photos – laid down for them even – without sharing with your fellow wack jobs new friends what you had for breakfast

Tell me that didn’t look like a never ending line of drive thru car washes!

You are treading dangerously close to having your license to carry a vajay-jay revoked sisters

Five thousand of the nutters there was

Outside the Sydney Opera house

In their birthday suits

Of course, it’s all done very sleezily tastefully, as all good art is wank wank wank

Mind you, if I decided to ‘GIT NEKKID’

And parade myself around the touristy spots in Sydney

(Sorry about the visual there peeps)

I would sooooo find my freckly bum locked up in record time

But this is ART

And that makes it OKAAAAAY

What the fuck ever

But that’s not what this is about

All I’m trying to say is how about some NORMAL news from down under?

I mean,  I’m trying my best to spread the Aussie cultural around the world in my own classy way

But

You lot are NOT fucking helping

I hereby take it upon myself to ban you from the computer

From the internet

From cyberspace

And where the fuck are you parents anyway?

And why are YOU trying, and sucking arse at it, to dance like a black lady in a rap video?

You’re white

You’re 12

And most disturbing?

I think you may be pregnant