happily eva-after?

OK, I’d like to start this post of with a tip for all you married fellas
If you have a conversation with your wife that you start with, “…OK, so don’t be mad at me….BUT….”
She IS going to be mad at you
Instantly PISSED
Especially if you are Skyping each other from thousands of miles away
And you’re obviously hiding something behind your back, so she can’t see it

Then, in a big reveal, you bring around to the front what you’ve been hiding
AND IT’S A FUCKING DOG!

Yeah that.
That is what happened in my world last week
And it’s taken me days….DAYS I say, to calm down enough to share with you guys

I was SO pms ranty and yelling, “…Jesus motherfucking Christ, what is wrong with you?? Another dog?”

When the last ‘should we get another dog’ discussion we had, mentioned the words, absolutely not, and no fucking way, more than once. From both of us.
We have the Fluffinator. A 150 pound ball of white, barking fur.
And we adore him.
But he does NOT need a friend, for fuck’s sake
He is a (lovable) beast that is more than enough for one household thankyouverymuch.

I was thinking Diamond must have lost the plot since I’ve been away on tour.
Another dog! He’s gone fucking mental.
Can someone stop by and pick up my kids?
But……after having a few wines thinking about it though, it would seem it might in fact, be the opposite

Because…

A) I am on the other side of the world and can do nothing about it
B) it (better fucking be) will be toilet trained by the time I get back
C) she will be more a part of the family THAN ME when I eventually DO get home

Well fucking played Diamond
Well fucking played

Her name is Eva
She’s a Puggle
Which for the record, isn’t even a REAL breed of dog
It a bastard ‘BITSA’. Which is a bit of a Pug, and a bit of a Beagle.
I just saw them for sale at Harrods over here in the UK…..for £2,000
Yes, you read right. TWO THOUSAND POUNDS. As in $3100 US or Australian dollars.
For a fucking dog
Not. Joking.
I told Diamond this little ball of floppy black ears better have been found abandoned on the side of the road with a sign around her neck saying, “Free to good home”

But Magoo, bless her cotton socks, is forever looking on the bright side,

“…Mummy, I wanted a little brother, and I have Fluffy.
And then I wanted a little sister too, and now I have Eva.

And you didn’t even have to hatch her out of your pee pee!
You’re going to love her Mama!”

You know…..she might just be right.
Don’t you dare tell Diamond I said that.

have you reached a verdict?

I have jury duty today
I’ve never done it before, and am NOT looking forward to it.
I’m sure I’ll get some lame-o civil case or boring white collar blah-blah.
But just in case, I’ve been watching back-to-back Law & Order, so I’m all prepped for a big ol’ murder trial should the need arise. And after 2 seasons in 48 hours, I’m probably a lawyer now.
But after an hour of bullshit peak hour traffic, getting lost (with TWO FUCKING GPSs) not finding a single Starbucks on the way, and a 10 on the richter scale, RAGING case of PMS

Some fucker’s getting the death penalty today.

dick pic, june 26, twenty twelve

As someone who swears for a living – I like to think that I know ‘how’ to cuss. It’s hereditary.
More importantly, I reckon I know WHEN to do it
Like, NOT in front of my kids if I can help it
And not in front of people who it may offend
Luckily, my mates couldn’t give a toss – allowing me shitloads of freedom to say whatever the fuck I want
So when I take my kids to their first ever baseball game
I’m not a fan of having to sit behind some wank-stain with this sticker on his back

Next to his girlfriend with ‘FUCK THIS SHIT” written on the front of her cap
Full disclosure: it was Mullet Night at the game, raising money for charity
But I don’t think at a family venue, you need to add the language to your outfit
You can just be a redneck, without having to be a FUCKING redneck, you know?

Call me a prude, whatevs.
Time and place. Time and place.

So, of course Magoo picks that moment to share her newly found reading skills,  and starts saying, “…don’t be a dick….don’t be a dick”
Then, “…Mum, what’s a dick?”
I told her, “…see the man with the sign on his back? THAT, is a dick”
She’s like, “…ewww, I don’t ever want to be a dick and look like that”

Followed by Macaroni, with the quote of the night

“…tell that to Miley Cyrus’ Dad”