great balls of…

One of these piles

Is a pile of fluff after Diamond was done brushing the dog for the 3rd time today

I totally don’t brush the dog EVER because he gets all bitey and grumpy with me and we both end up sulky and not talking to each other

I, brush the children‘s hair

The other is a pile of Fluffy

clean and fluffy

As you know, when we brought Fluffy home

He looked like this

He grew like a weed

But was still manageable

Diamond and the girls loved giving him his bath every month

It made the whole house smell like wet dog bathroom stink for a while

But we didn’t want someone else doing it

And it seemed every five minutes he grew a bit more

And then he turned one

And washing him was taking up the better part of a day by the time he was dry

And we thought fuck this shit it may be better if someone else DID do it

So I googled asked a few people and found business that sounded great

They come to you to wash your dog

AND they have a van, with a bath in it

So you don’t stink up your house anymore

I was so excited!

Fluffy was not

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You know, for a mammothly huge mother fucker of a dog

He can be quite the pussy sometimes

The doggie wash lady even took him for a walk first, to make him feel comfortable

And then I was explaining to her how I wanted his bum trimmed

Now, don’t go getting all freaky on me

I’m not talking about a bikini wax or anything

Great Pyrenees have shitloads of fluffy hair around their bum

Which is good for abolutely nothing except getting poo caught in it

So Diamond we cut the hair ‘back there’ sometimes

Anyhoo

I was showing her where, and she touched him near his bum

And he totally growled at her

Now, the only time I’d ever heard him growl at someone before was at¬†that fucktard on Halloween, remember?

So I’m all like, lady, step away from his butt, I think he might being going to eat you

And she’s all, but I just took him for a walk, and she looks down at him and says (in her best high pitched doggy-loving-voice) I thought we were fwiends Fwuffy?

And I swear he gave her a look that totally said, listen bitch, you took me for a walk, you did not take me to dinner or a fucking movie, and you think you can touch my arse?

Told you he was awesome

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Needless to say, getting him to go in the van with her after that, was a complete fucking nightmare not going to happen

And I’m telling you, when a 100+ pound dog doesn’t want to go somewhere

It’s harder than a porn star’s penis to get that dog to move

So I gave up and went back in the house got reinforcements

Yep, told Diamond it was his turn

And it took some work I tell ya

Diamond was sweating like Kirsty Alley at a buffet table by the time he finally got him in there

And because of above mentioned arse touching, I advised him to stay in the van with Fluffy and the dog whisperer dog wash lady

Just in case Cujo the Fluffster got the urge to bite her hand off if she touched his arse again a bit ‘excited’

And they were in there a while

I mean, a LONG while

Like what-the-fuck-was-going-on-in-there long while

But the only moaning was coming from Fluff

He was NOT loving this at all

I left ’cause I’m a heartless bitch like that to pick the girls up from school

And of course they wanted to go straight in the van when they got home to see their Daddy dog

They were giggling in there, helping to dry Fluffy off

And when it was all finally over

Fluffy came out, strutted straight past me, PISSED AS A MO-FO

But I can handle him being grumpy with me for a while

‘Cause he looks clean, and smells AMAZING

AND the biggest plus?

My house doesn’t smell like wet dog!

But,

And you KNOW there’s always a but

Now I need to google to see if there’s someone who can come over and clean –

My husband, Miss 6 & Miss 4

‘Cause now they smell like a WET DOG’S ARSE!

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and to show what a soft cock baby Fluff is, he’s currently sitting at my feet – he’s forgiven me. Here’s the pic from my phone to prove it: