babies & icepacks

So first I read about this lady inĀ Arkansas who got pregnant twice


Not twins, not IVF

Just through plain old fashioned horizontal hokey-pokey

It’s kind of fucked up bizarre really

You can read the whole story HERE



And then, not 10 minutes later

I read about about a woman in Indonesia who gave birth to an 18 pound baby

She had a c-section

But seriously, how the fuck else are you going to get that little buddha out else could you do it?

What was she eating while she was pregnant?

Entire restaurants?



I started to think about the first lady

And what would happen if both her babies weighed as much as the Indonesian lady’s

And I crossed my legs just imagining it

And oh-my-God if I didn’t start to feel sick

And ended up having to have a lay down

With an ice-pack on my vajay-jay

baby fix

So we finally go to seeĀ our friend’s baby that I told you about here

And it was great

Fantastic even

‘Cause he wasn’t remotely cute and my ovaries didn’t start screaming at me AT ALL

I think you guys read my rambling crap blogs enough to know when I’m full of shit

Well that bit about the baby was total horseshit

I mean check him out

And oh-my-God did my biological clock start thundering in my brain

Clang-a-langin’ like a stampeding Malley Bull with cast iron knackers

Which is weird for me

Because before I had kids I used to sleep think that my biological clock was digital

Not a maternal bone in my body

Then I had Miss 5

Then I had a nervous breakdown Miss 4

And now?

Well, I think now I’d love another one

If I’m sober being sensible, I understand that touring and life on the road with a baby will do your fucking head in is not an easy task

In fact, it kind of sucks.

A lot

So there’s that reason

Then there’s the whole ‘Diamond said no fucking way’ thing to think about too

I mean, I’m sure if I got naked nagged and pouted long enough, I might be able to change his mind

So I guess for today he’d be feeling pretty fucking relieved safe being on the other side of the world

Although if you think about it, I guess I could get sperm from anywhere really

But I reckon he might get a bit suss if I came home with a black one