letters from the airport

This is what happens when I am stuck an airport 7 hours longer than I was supposed to be

Blame American Airlines and the open bar in the lounge

Dear Lady Clearing Your Throat Every 90 Seconds

Can you please just go to the toilet and cough that shit up? It’s kind of gross, and filling my head with images of green goozies. Unless of course you’re a porn star – in which case it’s just a work place injury and I apologise

 

Dear Young Couple Taking Your FOUR LITTLE KIDS on holidays

My ears hurt. Your children are areholes. Shut those fuckers up.

 

Dear Man Watching Porn 10 feet Away from Me

I saw you. You saw me see you. Dude…ewwww! Turn off your laptop and go take a cold shower. Yuk.

 

Dear Dude Skyping His Girlfriend and Crying Because You Miss Her

The fuck? Way to make yourself completely un-rootable. It’s like you WANT her to dump your arse. Harden up, soft cock.

 

Dear Work Colleagues Flirting Like Mother Fuckers

You are both married. To other people. Don’t be so fucking stupid. You’re both kind of ugly too.

Not. Worth. It.

 

Dear Old Man Across From Me That Has Fallen Asleep

Bless your little cotton socks, you look so cute. Until you start snoring. Then I’ll probably throw my empty wine glass at you

 

Dear Ladies Talking Excitedly in Another Language

What are you saying? It’s probably about shopping or muffin recipes. You do look about 70. But it’s making me happy to think that you’re actually vibrator testers, discussing the latest innovations.

 

Dear Loud Group of Men at the End of The Room

You’re drunk. You’re being obnoxious. Don’t make me get out my guitar.

 

Dear Lady That Keeps Bringing Me Drinks

I love you.

 

Dear American Airlines

You suck.