snot, spring break, set lists and shhhhh I’m taking a nap

So, there’s 3 more sleeps until my first ever STAGEIT show.
And I have bronchitis.
Now, it should be said that I never really accepted bronchitis as a ‘real thing’
I used to go to school with a girl that was always home with ‘bronchitis’
And her boyfriend was always absent with it too.
So of course I thought bronchitis was some kind of code for ‘blow job’
Turns out, bronchitis is code for constant chest pounding coughing and general ‘I’m probably dying-ness’
Diamond WISHES it was blowjobs keeping him up at night
Instead, he gets, ‘water, I need water…more pillows…tell my Mum I love her’stageit flyer
But…I’m doing all the right things, and plan to be good to go by showtime Saturday.
There’s a good chance I’ll even change out of my PJs and shower too.
The set list is up to you guys, which is a good plan
Because every time I take a sip of the Jesus Juice that the doctor prescribed, I want to bust out some Salt ‘N’ Pepper or Neil Diamond.
A set list composed by me would be very weird right now.

Another reason to want to get rid of this lurgy….SPRING BREAK!
Not wet t-shirt, beer bong spring break.
This is more, we’ve got kids and are supposed to take them with us when we go places now
So, skiing it is.
Outside…in the snow….temperatures hovering at zero all week
PERFECT for getting over whatever ails you
Unless what ails you is bronchial and cold air makes you hack up.
When I booked it, I had visions of me in a cute ski suit, drinking hot chocolate by the lodge fire, regaling other guests with my stories and photos of me mastering the most advanced slopes on offer. All while patting a St Bernard that lay dozing at my feet.
Realistically, it’s shaping up to be me and my camera, bottom of all slopes, taking photos of Diamond and the girls skiing up a storm….while I hold my flask of lemsip, using the lid to deposit lung oysters the cold air makes me cough up. With the odd ‘fuck off’ tossed at whoever wants to come up and say hello.
It IS my birthday while we’re there, though
So, cake.
Cake makes everything better.

So, here’s what I need…
Besides these Jesus Juice hallucinations to stop (last one had me dropping the kids off to school in my bathing suit….oh wait…)
I need you guys to create the set list
Remembering that the show is only 30 minutes long
But I’ll be able to throw in songs from the new album, Fuck It Up Fridays….
Whatever you choose…

Leave a comment here, with your ideas, suggestions and cures for this bronchial bullshit
I’ll pick one, and send that peep out a copy of my new cd F.O.C.U.S.
FOCUS DRAFT 2
I’ll announce the winner during the STAGEIT show

CLICK HERE TO BUY YOUR TICKET TO THE STAGEIT SHOW
CLICK HERE TO BUY YOUR TICKET TO THE STAGEIT SHOW
CLICK HERE TO BUY YOUR TICKET TO THE STAGEIT SHOW

 

candy, clowns & crying kids

So that’s Halloween done & dusted for another year

Which means for the next week (at least) we follow each meal with a handful of lollies

Let the dentists of the world celebrate!

 

We carved pumpkins

Actually, M&M caved their pumpkins

I bought them these cool little battery operated pumpkin saws to use

Thinking they would be kid friendly

Magoo still managed to draw blood

But she’s got a bit of a gift for the ‘clumsy-break-shit-woops-how-did-THAT-happen’

I remember when they couldn’t even pick the pumpkins UP, they were so little

*simultaneous sob & snot wipe*

 

Trick or treating was awesome this year

The weather stayed great

There were trick-or-treaters all over the neighbourhood

And the kids scored the mother-load of treats

We took the kids out twice

Once, straight after school . Then again after dinner

We didn’t take Fluffy out the first time – he was too busy chewing up his skeleton costume

Fucker

But even without Fluffy

We still managed to make all the little kids either

A) cry

B) run away screaming

C) wet their pants

And in one case, all of the above

I think it may have had something to do with Diamond’s clown costume

Apparently clown costumes freak some people out

I mean it’s one thing to embarrass the shit out of your OWN kids

Realistically, our kids are pretty use to that

But to walk the streets frightening ALL the kids?

I reckon there’s some little buggers that will probably be too scared to even leave their houses next Halloween

What kind of adult / grownup / should know better, would DO that?

MEEE!

 

just like a pill

Lately, everyone around me has been sick

Family

Friends

Kids

Neighbours

Except me

And because I am a bucket mouth

I let everyone know that I was the ONLY one that wasn’t sick

Cause I NEVER get sick

Everyone else’s immune system can suck it

‘Cause mine is obviously the least germy

My steady diet of red wine, clinkers & no sleep is a winner people!

Until it wasn’t

Cue me feeling like death last week

With the man flu

That one’s like 5 times worse that the regular flu, yeah?

‘Cause that’s totally what I had

No WAY has anyone ever been as sick as I was

Just like there’s NO WAY anybody’s birth story is more horrendous than mine

Yup, I’m THAT person

Ask Diamond how much fun I am to live with

Anyhoo

After being prescribed some great drugs

(That are probably just antibiotics

But I still feel like a rebel when I take 2 at once)

I am on the mend

HUZZAH!!

Better than on the mend

I am fired UP!

I think being knocked on your arse makes you grateful when you DO start to feel better

Today I want to plough through my ‘to do’ list

Then dust off the guitar and do some writing

I will not be distracted

Life is a highway & Baby you can drive my car On the road again

And all those other songs about truckin’ that have fuck all to do with this post

I am unstoppable, mother fuckers!

Once I get out of bed.