So that’s Halloween done & dusted for another year

Which means for the next week (at least) we follow each meal with a handful of lollies

Let the dentists of the world celebrate!

 

We carved pumpkins

Actually, M&M caved their pumpkins

I bought them these cool little battery operated pumpkin saws to use

Thinking they would be kid friendly

Magoo still managed to draw blood

But she’s got a bit of a gift for the ‘clumsy-break-shit-woops-how-did-THAT-happen’

I remember when they couldn’t even pick the pumpkins UP, they were so little

*simultaneous sob & snot wipe*

 

Trick or treating was awesome this year

The weather stayed great

There were trick-or-treaters all over the neighbourhood

And the kids scored the mother-load of treats

We took the kids out twice

Once, straight after school . Then again after dinner

We didn’t take Fluffy out the first time – he was too busy chewing up his skeleton costume

Fucker

But even without Fluffy

We still managed to make all the little kids either

A) cry

B) run away screaming

C) wet their pants

And in one case, all of the above

I think it may have had something to do with Diamond’s clown costume

Apparently clown costumes freak some people out

I mean it’s one thing to embarrass the shit out of your OWN kids

Realistically, our kids are pretty use to that

But to walk the streets frightening ALL the kids?

I reckon there’s some little buggers that will probably be too scared to even leave their houses next Halloween

What kind of adult / grownup / should know better, would DO that?

MEEE!

 

Lately, everyone around me has been sick

Family

Friends

Kids

Neighbours

Except me

And because I am a bucket mouth

I let everyone know that I was the ONLY one that wasn’t sick

Cause I NEVER get sick

Everyone else’s immune system can suck it

‘Cause mine is obviously the least germy

My steady diet of red wine, clinkers & no sleep is a winner people!

Until it wasn’t

Cue me feeling like death last week

With the man flu

That one’s like 5 times worse that the regular flu, yeah?

‘Cause that’s totally what I had

No WAY has anyone ever been as sick as I was

Just like there’s NO WAY anybody’s birth story is more horrendous than mine

Yup, I’m THAT person

Ask Diamond how much fun I am to live with

Anyhoo

After being prescribed some great drugs

(That are probably just antibiotics

But I still feel like a rebel when I take 2 at once)

I am on the mend

HUZZAH!!

Better than on the mend

I am fired UP!

I think being knocked on your arse makes you grateful when you DO start to feel better

Today I want to plough through my ‘to do’ list

Then dust off the guitar and do some writing

I will not be distracted

Life is a highway & Baby you can drive my car On the road again

And all those other songs about truckin’ that have fuck all to do with this post

I am unstoppable, mother fuckers!

Once I get out of bed.

So I found the witch doctor I was looking for

And this wasn’t it

MY witch doctor came in the form of a 22 year old female doctor-in-training at the local medical clinic in Jabiru

Samara

I was pretty sure there was nothing she could do for me

It felt like I had a run of the mill case of laryngitis

But Dad had said once before when he had it, he was given a needle in the bum

And it made it all better

So while I’m no fan of needles, or my bum, I thought it was worth of shot (pun intended)

.

Samara, as I expected, confirmed that I did indeed have laryngitis

And that there was no magic ‘needle’ that would fix it

Like I needed more proof that Dad was full of shit

.

So rather than a jab in the bum

I left with lots of advice

Gargle aspirin

No sugar

No dairy

No alcohol

It’s like they were trying to kill me

And lots of sleep

.

I asked Samara if I would be able to work that night

And if it would wreck my throat for the rest of the week if I did

That’s when the resident (boss) came in and said,

Nah mate, you’ll be good for tonight’s show

You’d better be too

‘Cause we’ve got tickets

.

So I did as the doctor(s) ordered

I threw out all my lollies fuck

And had a bonza nap yay

And got through the gig OK take THAT laryngitis

All the staff from the medical clinic were there too

.

So, to show them I was following instructions

I was even a good girl and went straight back to my room after my set

.

And tried not to let them see I was limping as I left

It’s hard work trying to walk with a bottle of wine down your pants

The last week has been a bit of a blur

A good blur

But blurry none the less

I’m writing this from my hotel room in Darwin

I start the 1st of 5 Northern Territory shows with Dad tonight

4 out of the 5 gigs are at places I’ve never been to

So I’m totally hanging out to offend some new people with my fuck songs excited for those shows

Once I’m a bit more back on deck, & the antibiotics kick in

Nothing major, just another dose of the clap throat/sinus infection

The usual shit

I feel OK, just a bit ripped off that none of it is sexually transmitted

But when I catch up a bit more on my sleep etc, I’ll post some more detailed blogs from the trip so far

You know, like what I wore, how many times I went to the toilet each day

The important stuff

Anyhoo

Wanted to post some random pics in the meantime

Let’s start with the Geraldton show

The drive there started off full of piss & vinegar

But mainly piss

And somo sight seeing stops too

These were too big to steal take home in my purse

But I would totally have bought these if they were salt & pepper shakers

Who wouldn’t want two little roos sniffing eachother’s bums sitting on their dinner table every night?

It’s finds like these that remind me what an awesome interior decorator I wouldn’t would have made

.

Next night was the Perth show at the Pig & Whistle

Dad came along to drink the bar dry watch

And was reasonably well behaved

If you don’t count the 15 sets of tits he signed

But I think I may have outdone him

Take THAT Dad!

.

It was after this show that Heiny & I took our pussy pill

And decided to fly to the rest of the shows

I’m pretty sure that the large amount of vitamin C

And lack of vitamin ‘W’

Was contributing to my knackered-ness

I am working on rectifying this imbalance by glueing a wine glass to my right hand

.

Next stop was my hometown of Kalgoorlie

Where I went right back to where it all began

Accident and emegency

I’ll let you work out which one I was

.

This is a statue of Paddy Hannan

It seems a lot different since they cleaned the graffiti I wrote on it smaller than when I was a kid

This has nothing to do with the fact that I wear size buffalo I’m bigger

It was good to see Kalgoorlie again

It’s the place where all my memories begin

And I’ll blog more about that when I can fucking remember them

Then it was back on a plane with Heiny

To head off to Darwin to meet up with Ma & Pa

After a quick stopover in Perth

Where I met Julian Clary at the airport

I’ve always been a fan of his and I felt like a total dork asking him for a photo

He is, I’m happy to report, a very tall top bloke

And I’m pretty sure he wanted me

You know, as much as a raging pommy poof can want a hetro hairy sheila

And he even tweeted about me afterwards

And then I, of course, cracked a moisty

LOVE HIM!

.

Then it was a quick stop again in Alice Springs

I booked my flights myself, so I have no one else to blame for the milk run I found myself on

Mum & Dad however, were on a direct flight

AAAANNND, my brother was the pilot

So it WAS probably for the best that I wasn’t on THAT flight

‘Cause you know how they don’t let the WHOLE Royal Family fly together

In case the plane goes down?

Well, that’s how it is with our family

We’d need one of us alive to carry on the family tradition

Of  saying fuck for a living cultural enrichment for the masses

.

Mum picked me up at the airport in Darwin & we headed straight to our favourite restaurant

On the planet

CHRISTO’S

I’ve got some great pics of the awesome location

And even better food

This is not one of them

I was more about the eatin’ than the pic takin’, you know?

.

To be continued…