proof of life

You guys have been enquiring lately about Eva
Concerned that I’ve only been posting pics of Fluffy because he’s my favourite

So yesterday I posted a pic on my Instagram page
Proof of life, if you will

And you guys were all, YAY, she’s alive!
But that talk quickly turned to, hang on…that pic could be an old one. Maybe Jenny’s tricking us and Eva really is buried under a pile of snow in the backyard thanks to FluffyIMG_1075

So you asked for a another pic, only this time with the date on it, as proof
Like a kidnap victim holding up a copy of the newspaper
I think you guys don’t trust me for shit watch too much Law & Order

Not only do I not get the paper delivered...I’m not sure I even know where to buy one anymore
I know Zappos don’t sell them. I checked. But I did find boots….agh boots!
Anyhoo, I’m all about getting my news online
So I figured I’d just use my iPad, showing the date
With Eva sitting nicely next to it

First shot, she had her face in Fluffy’s bum
Where all good naps are takenIMG_1081

So I idiotically woke her up
And tried to get her to sit still for the picIMG_1085

Have you ever tried to wrangle an ADD toddler having a seizure?
Taking Eva’s pic is exactly like that, but with more sneezing
I told you I was allergic to her, right?
I know
She’s the gift that keeps on giving

Turns out, she likes the taste of iPad
Add that to gym shoes, pool tables and ukeleles, and you have Eva’s balanced diet of, I’m only interested in chewing on stuff worth more than $100!
IMG_1093 IMG_1090    IMG_1091

I finally got her to sit still
And as you can see by her utterly pissed off expression
That was done by holding her by the collar
I know, how DARE I restrain what is meant to roam free and shit under the piano
I expect a visit from the RSPCA any minute
IMG_1097

Truly she is getting better
I think she has grown out of her crazy puppy years
And is now smack-bang in the middle of her methed-out teenager stageIMG_1100

As I finish this post, she’s looking at me through my office window
And she’s scratching on the glass to be let back inside (it’s below zero out)
She does this ALL. DAY. LONG.
Let me out!
Let me in!
Let me out!
Let me in!
It’s like arsehole version of Groundhog Day
It’s also the 10 seconds per day max, that I am the boss of her
And she’ll do anything I ask
IMG_1104
If I leave her out their long enough, maybe she’ll revarnish the pool table legs and UNstain my office rug…

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shit (bogan) australians say…

Have you seen some of the “Shit [insert something] Says” videos piling up on YouTube?

I’ve been laughing my arse off at a lot of them

My faves are this one and this one

Then my mate Marty suggested I give it a go so you can blame her for this

It didn’t take me long to figure out who would be saying the ‘shit’ in my vid

And before the bogans of the world get all spewy with me for taking the piss

Remember, I’m from Kalgoorlie

 

Where bogans were  INVENTED

siri speaks (shit)

So I got me the new iPhone

It’s pretty cool

The battery doesn’t seem to last as long as it did in my old one

But that is more than made up for by the new phone having SIRI

Ah Siri

Here’s how she is ‘officially’ described

Siri on iPhone 4S lets you use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls, and more. Ask Siri to do things just by talking the way you talk. Siri understands what you say, knows what you mean, and even talks back. Siri is so easy to use and does so much, you’ll keep finding more and more ways to use it.

Firstly, let me say that I was excited to have a voice recognition gadget that I didn’t have to fake an American accent for. Hello EVERY company’s automated phone directory that never fucking understand me

Of course, it didn’t take me long to start fucking with Siri

Asking her all sorts of personal shit

Actually Magoo was the first

Asking Siri what her favourite colour was

And I was like…..ooooh…this could be F-U-N!

Diamond wanted to know, why DID the chicken cross the road?

Well played Siri

Macaroni wanted in too

She asked Siri if she knew any good jokes

Ha,  apparently Siri’s got a sense of humour

 

But when I wanted Siri to answer MY questions….

Siri, do you think I’m funny?

What? You answered everyone else’s questions

OK, what about…where do you live Siri?

Nice….vague….but nice

What do you look like

Um, yeah….it kinda does. I don’t want to be the one person with the ‘ugly’ Siri on their phone

I think you might have a bit of bitch in you Siri

And PMS too apparently

Do you think I should dye my hair dark again Siri?

Work? This is very important Siri. This is the kind of shit I need ANSWERS to girlfriend

Gah…now you made me go and google arbitrary. I think if you’re going to use words I don’t understand, like exercise or low fat, or arbitrary – you should give me the definition too

Are you fucking with me Siri?

You ARE fucking with me!

Aren’t you supposed to be NICE to me? And HELP me? ‘Cause right now, all you’re doing is my head in

I don’t know why they called you Siri. They should have called you Nasty, or Bitchy

Or Cunt.