losing my shit…and finding it again.

My iPhone is nearly always in my hand, pocket or bag
My iPad is nearly always in my bag
So I’m not sure, how in the last week, I have lost them both
The iPad I lost TWICE
That takes some skill
The happy ending is I found them
But I wouldn’t have, were it not for the app, ‘find my iphone’

It’s like a little GPS tracker thingy that locates your device, and shows you on a map where it is. It’s a handy little feature for people like me, who are scatterbrained and have hangover-brain-fuzzies most days
The first time I lost the iPad, the app was showing me it was in my car. I still couldn’t find it.
It should have been more specific and told me it was UNDER the seat, hidden by empty Starbucks cups and god-only-knows-how-old fries
The second time, I left it at the gym. Because I cannot spend more than 90 seconds on a treadmill or elliptical (totally had to google that word because I kept typing epileptic – and if you’d seen me on it, you’d know just how apt that is) unless I’m watching an episode of something trashy on the iPad. This month’s cheese-fest is season one of Nashville. Needless to say, I fucking love it. When I realised I’d left the iPad there, I called the gym, and they told me no one had handed it in. So I checked the ‘find my iPhone app’ saw it WAS there on map, drove over there, and found it sitting exactly where I’d left it. On the bench next to my water bottle. The lady at the desk couldn’t believe that it was still just sitting out there, and no one had taken it.
Chalk that up as another great reason to patronise an establishment full of octogenarians They don’t steal your shit probably because they don’t know what the fuck an iPad is

 

Lastly, my phone
The locating map was telling me it was in my house
But do you think I could find the fucking thing?
I looked EV-A-REE-WHERE
There’s a little bell, alarm beepy thing, that you can activate (from the app) that is supposed to help you find your missing device
I could hear it coming form the kitchen
I THOUGHT it was coming from Eva and was preparing to cut her open but Diamond said it was coming from the bin
The little ringing bell was so faint, it was hard to tell
It really should be someone’s voice….like Samuel L Jackson saying, “Yo asshole, your phone is over here”
It would be WAY easier to find THAT.

So Diamond tipped out the contents of the bin
And ewwwww out fell my beeping-covered-in-slimy-what-the-fuck? phone!

Moral of the story…
It’s not always Eva’s fault
Old people are honest
That app saved me a bundle my arse
And I’m totally using it to spy on my kids when they’re teenagers

Do you use this app?
You should totally tell me your password so I can stalk you

Oh-my-God how much fun would THAT be?? for me

silence of the lambs, elf edition

I’m a fan of the whole Elf On The Shelf
I know some people hate them and others have WAY too much fucking time on their hands when it comes to their elves
We love him at our house, and have since we first got him
This year he got a sister, Stella
Because I am an idiot
Who needs her head read
Anyhoo….last night I posted this

Then came up with the idea of putting one of them in a pot plant (Stella)
And the other (Stampy) on a wall mounted light sconce
Yes, I may have been drinking all afternoon with my neighbours hello it’s Christmas!?!
BUT!
It’s a light we never turn on, so no danger, right?
Until I went downstairs this morning hungover as a mofo, and forgetting WHERE I’d put them, I TURNED ON THE FUCKING LIGHT THAT WE NEVER TURN ON, so the kids could find the elves more easily. So before you get all, oh-my-god-you-dumb-arse….I was HELPING. Thinking of the CHILDREN

Not 30 seconds had passed
First there was a smell
Then a little bit of swearing
OK, a lot of fucking swearing
Then there was Diamond running to the flames
Then the sound of the girls coming downstairs for breakfast
Then there was Diamond and I giving each other one of those WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!?, looks, that parents do so well
Only this was the turbo version
It was the WHAT IN FUCKING FUCK DO WE DO NOW!?!?!?, look
So Diamond threw Stampy at me….I grabbed him and I bolted for the garage to hide him
The girls didn’t see a thing
Win.
I also learnt that I am swift as all get out, when the possibility of fucking up Christmas entirely is on the line
My next facebook post looked like this

Because Stampy’s butt was charred
And there was NO way my kids, especially Macaroni, would NOT notice or question us or drive us mental with the why, when, what of it all
Rather than make up some story about how Stampy burnt his bum on the jet pack that takes him back to the North Pole every night – and have them not believe me. Because that would be stoopid and obviously made up
(Unlike the elf and his sister that show up magically every morning. That shit’s totally acceptable…derr)
I knew I had to get a new one

Except Stampy’s 4 years old now
And the new versions of Elf On The Shelf don’t quite look the same
Note to people who make this Elf – WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU CHANGED THE DESIGN OF THIS?!?!? IT’S LIKE YOU WANT US TO FAIL AS PARENTS YOU DIPSHITS!!!
I went to 3 Targets
All they had was girls
And hysterical sales assistants who laughed their arses off when I told them why I needed a boy elf. NOW, no I do NOT want you to order me one, I need it NOW.
After a LONG morning of driving around, I was starting to get panicky.
And the more panicky I got, the more I was like, who the fuck AM I? And how did I turn into an SUV driving Mum that is tearing up because she can’t find the right Elf. And who made up the rule that wine is bad with breakfast?
For fuck’s sake.
At every shop, I got better at mumbling under my breath about how I might have set our elf on fire, followed by a death stare that was effective enough that they at least tried to stifle their giggles while they went and looked for a new one for me.
Yay for Barnes and Noble
Who had BOY elves
And waited until I was walking out of the store to start laughing
Huzzah!

Or not
Because when I opened the box and saw his face, I knew I was screwed
While he looked SIMILAR to Stampy

He looked DIFFERENT enough that my kids would totally notice
See? The one at the back is Stampy. He’s smaller, has darker hair, and is wearing more blush
Blush Stampy?
Trust me to have a tranny elf with a shrunken head
Dickhead (Stampy, not me)

So you know what had to be done, right?
It was for the greater good
Don’t get all judgey on me.
It was time for a head transplant
But….it was also time to pick the kids up from school
So I’ve hidden the body parts in the garage
And officially delegated this job to Diamond
He is the fixer in this family
While I, am obviously the fucker-upper
And yes, I realise that I dodged a bullet
I know this could totally have been worse
Like, burn the fucking house down worse
Diamond’s best friend is a fireman and whenever he comes to our house, the first thing he does is walk around and blow out all the candles I have lit everywhere
So I know he is going to SHIT a brick when he reads this
So yeah, I know as far as parenting safety, being responsible blah blah, I’m kinda failing at being a good example
I get it

But I think we can all agree I’m averaging an A+ at being a horrible warning

UPDATE: Thanks to Martha Stewart Diamond, no one seems to be any the wiser!
Yes!!
Now, let’s all forget me trying to BBQ the elf, K?
I have.

But I know the the elf won’t forget in a hurry

They say that an ELF never forgets
Or is that a giraffe? 

 

whoa, black betty (bam-a-lam)

How was your Mother’s Day ladeez?
Even though I was in the same country as my Mum, we didn’t spend it together…boo. (she’s still in New Orleans) But I’m thinking Mum had a good day anyway. She received a totally gorgeous (yes, I picked it out) Pandora bracelet.  It’s her second one. I won’t go into what happened to the first one, but rest assured, THIS ONE came with a safety chain.

I had to say goodbye to an old friend on Mother’s Day. We’ve been close for more than 9 years, and have had many an adventure together.
My car.
She’s been dying a slow death for a while now. Last time we decided to replace her and get me a new car,  we came home with a truck for Diamond. ???? A green truck. That I have been driving for the last year or so. I call it the Green Hornet and I like to pretend the outside is white, or grey, when I’m inside it. When I get out, I just shut my eyes. It’s an awesome ride and I love driving it. But that doesn’t make it any LESS green.
Anyhoo, it was time to say sayonara to my old buddy. I know, it’s just a car. But both my babies were made in the backseat came home from the hospital in it….blah blah…I know I’m a dickhead. If I could fix her I would. But it would cost more than she’s worth.
So last weekend, Diamond and I headed off to do our second most favorite thing in the world. Our first is stubbing our toes on the corner of the bed.  Followed closely by car shopping. Fucking hate it. And with respect to all you car salesmen out there, you are a bunch of knob-jockeys.

But it turned out OK. I just sat in the kids playroom of the car dealership with the girls, playing Barbie dress up on the iPad. I like to pick and choose when I have to be a grown up. So I left Diamond to be the dick. You know, the one that haggles with the “trust me, I’ll give you the best deal” guys, and all that other fun stuff.
He came out after an hour, handed me the keys, and said Happy Mother’s Day! I said, a car? That’s what I get for Mother’s Day? I’m like, DUDE, you will do anything to avoid going to the mall.
All shit-stirring aside. I couldn’t be happier. I love it!
Please ignore all previous references to stupid little blonde women who drive around the suburbs in big-mofo-yank-tanks. ‘Cause now I am one!
Magoo calls it my ‘President’s car’. Probably because it’s long and black.
Like the one the President rides in (not what YOU were thinking you sick bastards)
Does it make my bum look big?
Nope, I look like an ant getting out of the fucker. It’s ginormous!
Diamond thinks I’m a fruit loop. Possibly because on Mother’s Day night, we were on the couch, holding hands, watching the kids play outside. I leaned over and said, “I love…..
MY CAR!”
He might have been expecting, I love my family or YOU, or something along those lines.
Whatevs. I do love all of them
But I really love my car
Let’s not tell him about the speeding ticket that I flashed my boobs and got out of narrowly avoided when I drove it home from the dealership

At least the accelerator works.