Fluffy barks

Fluffy barks a lot

We have great neighbours who don’t complain. But seriously, the Fluffinator’s barking is ridonkulous

I yell at him. Diamond yells at him. Macaroni’s even started yelling at him

Then Magoo yells at all of us, for yelling at him

It’s just something that Great Pyrenees dogs do. We knew that when we got him. Especially at sunrise and sunset. Words cannot explain just how NOT fucking awesome it is, to have a 130 pound fur ball of booming bark-ness be your alarm clock. Before the FUCKING sun. Every FUCKING day.

We thought we could train it out of him. God how we’ve tried. And failed.

The older he gets – he just turned 3 – the more he’s barking. It’s like he’s so big now, he looks at us like, “what cha gonna do about it?” (I always imagine Fluff having the canine equivalent of a Tony Soprano accent)

And it’s driving us fucking mental

So today, I give you, the face of a dog that has just been fitted for his first bark collar

(he’s wearing it, but you just can’t see it under all that FUR)

Is it not THE best sulky face you’ve ever seen?

He’s not mad. He’s just got himself a big ol’ case of PMS right now

Barking makes him feel like a HE-MAN

He has the deepest, loudest bark on our street

Fluffy was, until today, boss-cocky of the big bark club

Can dogs have an identity crisis?

In an effort to try and cheer him up, Magoo stuck a bow on him

A pink bow

It was a nice thought – but I’m not sure  that it’s really helping him with his image issues

“…….WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

 

This one is for all my mates in South Africa

Or any of you that were IN South Africa during the world cup

More specifically, any of you who were in South Africa for the world cup who used one of those stupid fucking vuvuzelas

I wanted to show you how they were made

I think this is payback enough for all the fucking noise you lot made during every God damn soccer game

Now go brush your teeth

*thanks Brett

Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they?

Yeah, I’m talking to you!

The two wank-stains in the room next door

I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room

You pair of fuck-knuckles

I could hear every word

Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night

Or should I say this morning?

I have no problem with you being drunk

It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me

And it wasn’t even entertaining

Me?

When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck

Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?

You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls

And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear

You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes

Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up

Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone

And then you went and called one of your girlfriends

(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)

You put her on speakerphone

And proceeded to have phone sex

I can’t work out which bit was my favourite

Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?

Almost

That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed

Thanks for keeping it classy room 18

I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was

She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening

She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having

This all started o get a little old

AT THREE THIRTY AM

And that is why, at 6am this morning

I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop

Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play

And went for a walk for an hour

Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?

When I got back from my walk

The DVD was finished

I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)

Sorry, did I wake you?

Just be sure I did…

I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)

Cranked the volume up again

And went for another walk

You’re welcome mother fuckers

There’s a lot of blogs I read regularly

On of them is SCARYMOMMY

I like her

She’s smart, funny

And occasionally says fuck

I like that in a blogger

Then she did  a post on ‘how to be a good wife’

And I’m all, ‘scuse me?

What is this fuckery?

This blogger, who I totally thought was one of us

Was preaching about the virtues of ‘obeying’ your husband

It was a big lecture in submissive bullshit

And the feminazis reckon I take the women’s movement back 100 years?

SCARYMOMMY had us all back wearing aprons and kissing our husband’s arses

Polishing their shoes & their knobs

While serving up a 3 course meal

Then she posted this video

And I was ready to find out her address & go to her house and bitch slap her upside the head for being an utter doormatted fucktard

Turns out she was *taking the piss

So now who’s the fucktard?

A GULLIBLE FUCKTARD??

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*Aussie speak for ‘making a dick out of me fun of’