Category Archives: shopping

mama said there’d be days like this…

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17

Getting ready to leave for the Sydney tour involves lots of organising
Important things…..like finding my suitcase, finding my passport, finding my guitar tuner, finding my travel pillow
You get the idea
I thought I’d take a break from all that ‘finding’ today, and go shopping

It was only 10am at that point, which, even for me, is too early for a wine
Otherwise I totally would have stayed home ‘finding’ stuff….AND drinking.

I had some gift vouchers from my birthday that have been burning a hole in my pocket
So off to the mall I went
90 minutes into it, I’d visited four shops and tried on 33 different tops. I wish I was exagerating.
Oh the joys of finding shirts to fit when you’re a double D cup with a back as wide as an olympic backstoker. A BOY olympic backstroker.
Yeah, it’s always fun.
Today it got REALLY fun.

changing-room

So I’m in shop number five. I had 8 tops to try on. Why no pants? Because I always end up wearing some version of leggings…and I already have eleventy-hundred pairs of those in various colours and animal print.
Store 5′s rules were, only 6 garments allowed in the changing room at a time
So after ‘Sasha’ the ‘associate and all-round trendsetter / supermodel / judgey-judy’ unlocked the change room for me, she took 2 of my items, and hung them outside the door.
“bring the other ones out when you’re done, then I’ll give you these two”
K.

Tried the six shirts on.
Technically only 4 fit over my head, but my ‘change room hair’ and sweaty back made it look like I’d been in there hours trying on shit and wrestling alligators.

Opened the door to give Sasha my failures and swap them for the other 2 shirts
She wasn’t there, so I reached out my arm to grab them
Like, r-e-a-c-h-e-d

Until I reached SO far out the door that I lost my balance, fell out the change room
The door closed behind me
The door LOCKED behind me

I came to the realisation it was locked as I lay sprawled across the shop floor
IN MY UNDERWEAR
That’s right….out in the open. In my un-fucking-mentionables.
And not the nice matchy-cute shit either
Nooooooo…
I’m talking black spanx and a beige nanna bra
Yep.

After saying a silent ‘thank-fucking-God’ that the shop was mostly empty
I grabbed a bunch of whatever I could get my hands on, from the racks closest to me, plus what was left of my dignity
Got to my feet, and walked over to the counter
Like I was a motherfucking boss
And not the fucktard the store cameras would no doubt show I was at the shop’s Christmas party
I figured if they were going to remember me, they might as well REMEMBER me
So I Naomi Campbelled the shit out of that walk of shame
Held my head high, and politely asked Sasha if she would be so kind as to unlock the door for me
Which she did….all while looking a little shocked with her mouth hanging open
It’s like she’d never seen a 5 foot Australian using beaded prom dresses like a sandwich board

I got dressed, walked out smiling
Drove home smiling
Poured a wine (it was 12:01)
And ordered 3 new tops
Online
From the comfort of my kitchen
In my underwear.

 

 

imelda marcos or mother theresa?

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17

I know what you’re thinking Diamond
Another pair of shoes?

Well I have two words for you…..BITE ME
Gift. Voucher.
Yep
There had to be some kind of pay off for risking my safety by rifling through the junk drawer to find the leg for Magoo’s slutty Monster High Doll.
Is your junk drawer like that?
Full of pens that don’t work, receipts, coins, paperclips, random sharp objects, go-gurt wrappers and slutty doll parts?
Anyhoo, this week I win. Not only did I find the requested doll leg – I also discovered a long forgotten gift voucher
So you KNOW I was going to use that shit for shoes. Like, duh.
So I found the shoes I liked, which happen to be PERFECT for the upcoming UK tour, and ordered ‘em.
Shipping was FREE, but I would have totally sprung for it even if it wasn’t
I mean, like I would buy a pair of shoes, and then LEAVE them at the shop.
What am I, a monster?
Would you adopt a kid then tell it to buy it’s own bus ticket to your house?
I didn’t think so

So they show up in this whole world vision, Bob Geldoff-y box 
Which informs me that, not only am I the trendy footed new owner of some awesome comfy slipper-like shoes
But because I BOUGHT these shoes, Skechers are going to give a new pair of shoes to a kid in need

So, really I’m NOT adding to my ridonkulously overflowing shoe collection

I’m saving the fucking world.

whoa, black betty (bam-a-lam)

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5

How was your Mother’s Day ladeez?
Even though I was in the same country as my Mum, we didn’t spend it together…boo. (she’s still in New Orleans) But I’m thinking Mum had a good day anyway. She received a totally gorgeous (yes, I picked it out) Pandora bracelet.  It’s her second one. I won’t go into what happened to the first one, but rest assured, THIS ONE came with a safety chain.

I had to say goodbye to an old friend on Mother’s Day. We’ve been close for more than 9 years, and have had many an adventure together.
My car.
She’s been dying a slow death for a while now. Last time we decided to replace her and get me a new car,  we came home with a truck for Diamond. ???? A green truck. That I have been driving for the last year or so. I call it the Green Hornet and I like to pretend the outside is white, or grey, when I’m inside it. When I get out, I just shut my eyes. It’s an awesome ride and I love driving it. But that doesn’t make it any LESS green.
Anyhoo, it was time to say sayonara to my old buddy. I know, it’s just a car. But both my babies were made in the backseat came home from the hospital in it….blah blah…I know I’m a dickhead. If I could fix her I would. But it would cost more than she’s worth.
So last weekend, Diamond and I headed off to do our second most favorite thing in the world. Our first is stubbing our toes on the corner of the bed.  Followed closely by car shopping. Fucking hate it. And with respect to all you car salesmen out there, you are a bunch of knob-jockeys.

But it turned out OK. I just sat in the kids playroom of the car dealership with the girls, playing Barbie dress up on the iPad. I like to pick and choose when I have to be a grown up. So I left Diamond to be the dick. You know, the one that haggles with the “trust me, I’ll give you the best deal” guys, and all that other fun stuff.
He came out after an hour, handed me the keys, and said Happy Mother’s Day! I said, a car? That’s what I get for Mother’s Day? I’m like, DUDE, you will do anything to avoid going to the mall.
All shit-stirring aside. I couldn’t be happier. I love it!
Please ignore all previous references to stupid little blonde women who drive around the suburbs in big-mofo-yank-tanks. ‘Cause now I am one!
Magoo calls it my ‘President’s car’. Probably because it’s long and black.
Like the one the President rides in (not what YOU were thinking you sick bastards)
Does it make my bum look big?
Nope, I look like an ant getting out of the fucker. It’s ginormous!
Diamond thinks I’m a fruit loop. Possibly because on Mother’s Day night, we were on the couch, holding hands, watching the kids play outside. I leaned over and said, “I love…..
MY CAR!”
He might have been expecting, I love my family or YOU, or something along those lines.
Whatevs. I do love all of them
But I really love my car
Let’s not tell him about the speeding ticket that I flashed my boobs and got out of narrowly avoided when I drove it home from the dealership

At least the accelerator works.