LENT: in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Conventionally, it is described as being forty days long, though different denominations calculate the forty days differently. The forty days represent the time that, according to the Bible, Jesus spent in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan

OK – got it?

Miss 6 learnt about Lent at school this week

And came home full of piss & vinegar excitement about it

I’m giving up my NINTENDO DS, she screamed

Ummm, not sure why she’s so thrilled about this

Does she know that she’s supposed to NOT play with it now?

For like, 40 days or something?

In her hyper-state, she decided to get Miss 4 to join the cause

But Miss 4 was doing her best to ignore her

So Miss 6 gave her her best sales pitch

Here’s the thing see, Jesus totally died for us a million years ago and so we like, OWE HIM! So, what we’ve got to do is find out what your most favourite thing in the world is. Not something you just LIKE – it’s gotta be something you really, REALLY LOOOOVE! And then you give it up. For 40 days, which is only a bit longer than a week I think. OK? So pick your most best favouritest thing EVER – and then sacrifice it for Jesus

Miss 4′s enthusiasm was registering a minus 12 on the ‘YAY scale’ at this point

I don’t want to give up what I love

But you HAVE to, or you’ll hurt Jesus’ feelings – and then if you pray for something from God, he won’t give it to you, because you didn’t SACRIFICE!

Then she looks at me, what are you giving up Mummy?

And I’m thinking, oh fuck come on, what’s this got to do with me?

But I recover quickly – Daddy. I’m going to give up Daddy for 40 days

Maybe even longer

She likes this answer – but hasn’t given up on her sister yet

OK – you have to decide now. God is watching and Jesus is totally listening. So what are you going to give up for Lentil? (I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what they call it at school)

Your Leapster? Your Baby Alive…or what about your dinosaurs? Yeah, you should totally give up those – ’cause you love them

Miss 4 looks at her and says, no, not that

I’m going to sack-the-pie (I think she meant sacrifice) my most favouritest thing ever

And Jesus will love me because I will sack-the-pie forever and never do it again

Then she looks up to the heavens and yells, BROCCOLI Jesus. I won’t ever have it again

NO MORE BROCCOLI EVER EVER EVER

Because I love you!

Alright, I will stop dribbling about Miss 5 going to school now

After this one – OK?

It actually wasn’t too bad except I can’t stop sobbing

If you don’t count the fact that she was so excited that she woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am & then got up at 6 am

Even Fluffy had his sad face on

We have to leave the house at 7:15am to drop her off at school on time

I don’t know about you – but that seems crazy early to me

The plus side is that she’s home in time for lunch

Now all I have to worry about is Miss 3 asking every 10 minutes

Is she done yet?

Can we pick her up yet?

I miss her

I’m sad without my sissy

I need to pee

Only 2 hours and 17 minutes to go

I might just go and start the car

Maybe do a drive by at the school

Peek through the windows even

Get a fucking life!

**apologies for the crappy blurry pics – they seemed to get worse the more I cried as the morning went on

Until Miss 5 starts kindergarden tomorrow

I will not cry

I WILL not cry

I will NOT cry

Doesn’t matter how I put it – I know I’m going to probably blubber

Why is that?

She’s excited

I’m excited for her

But even thinking about saying goodbye to her tomorrow morning is making me drink more weepy

Every mum I’ve spoken to says the same thing

Her new teacher had asked all the parents to write a short letter about their child

About their likes & dislikes

A little hint into their personalities I guess

Mine was actually very civil & well written. I didn’t even swear

No shit!

I told her how Miss 5 loves to colour and do craft projects.

How she loves to read and do science experiments

That she gets giddy at the thought of learning new rules and meeting new friends

And most importantly, how she’s my big girl now and I know you’re going to love her

Really, the whole thing could have been so much shorter

When all I really wanted to write was

You know what bitch?

She’s my baby

Fuck with her and I’ll hunt you down

Oh yeah..

And have a nice day!

One of the many, many things I had no fucking clue about, is when your kids start school, the paperwork and forms to fill in will drown your arse is endless!

Three days ago, I spent over 2 hours filling in forms

That’s right, you didn’t read wrong, I said 2 HOURS!

And I know you’re probably thinking it’s because I’m a total slowy that can’t spell for shit

And yeah, that was probably part of the reason

The thing that pissed me off got me the most, was filling in the SAME form 2 or 3 times

I mean, haven’t schools these days heard of carbon paper or I don’t know, maybe a FUCKING COMPUTER??

I haven’t gone through this much paper since I went on that trip to Thailand 10 years ago and ate that dodgy seafood soup

I got to the point filling in all these forms where I just wanted to fuck with them a bit – and by them, I mean the bastards people that would be reading them

So of course I did

I expect to be called into the principal’s office within the first few days of school over this one for sure:

It went a little something like this

Name: JENNY TALIA (but you can call me genitalia)

Address: I live with Diamond

Occupation: Exotic dancer and part-time camel wrangler

Who has primary custody of your child: Well, I guess that would be the government. Or child welfare. I can’t remember what you call them. You know, the people that keep coming over and busting me for all the cigarette burns on my daughter and picking on me for shacking up with my cousin. You can’t help who you love you know!

Contact number: 1800 IDO-ANYTHING

Religion: Any church that gives me Jesus Juice before lunch on a Sunday

I’m sure they’ll get my sense of humour

Oh well, too late now

It’s in the mail