I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

Whatever you call it, 11-11-11 is a great day to remember those who have served for your country

Macaroni & Magoo’s school held a fantastic assembly to honor the day

The kids sang patriotic songs, waved flags, read essays they’d written about what a veteran means to them

And whether they knew it or not, were learning to respect the people that have, and continue sacrifice for their freedoms

Diamond’s Dad, who served in Vietnam, came with us. He doesn’t say much about his time there, but I could see the pride on his face as he watched his granddaughters and all their little friends show their pride for their country and it’s veterans

The girls, in turn, were beyond chuffed to have their very own veteran to honour

I can’t tell you how wonderful I think it is  that ceremonies like this take place all over the world

So many kids at the school have family members currently serving overseas. I got more than teared up seeing those kids, wearing hats from their family member’s branch of the military, proudly march through the gym carrying flags

They even had a bagpiper play Amazing Grace. And that was the end of me

Magoo got to say the pledge of Allegiance, which she nailed. If you don’t count that it sounded more like the Pwedge of Awegiance

But my favourite part, was actually one of the veterans who assisted in the flag folding. After explaining to the kids about the significance of the flag & how it’s folded (read about it here)

He told everyone that he was at the Lincoln National Cemetery yesterday, and he folded a flag to present to a family of fallen soldier.

He presented 11 flags, at 11 soldier’s funerals yesterday. You could feel his sadness as he told the room this

Then, as the kids walked back to their classrooms, they thanked the veterans and exchanged high fives. These children may not totally ‘get it’ yet. But thanks to days like this, they will. And they should

It was beautiful to see that same sad veteran, end his morning with a big grin on his face

Lest we forget.

She had to draw a picture to accompany each sentence about her senses

Like, a picture to show her favourite thing to smell

She drew Fluffy

Her favourite thing to see?

Fluffy again

Her favourite thing to touch?

Wait for it….yep….Fluffy

Are you sensing the pattern here?

So of course her favourite thing to hear but the one thing that does Diamond & my head in is Fluffy too

She finally drew something different when it was time to show what her favourite thing to taste was

Otherwise her class would think we ran a Chinese restaurant

Icecream

*Insert sigh of relief here*

I DID make it home in time for my mother-in-law’s birthday party

I arrived just in time to see Diamond & his brother nearly blow themselves up set of an amazing fireworks display

It was loud, huge and awesome

And totally illegal

But Diamond’s been running from the police doing this since he was a kid

And had it timed to be finished before the police showed up

It was all over with 30 seconds to spare

So I started my week off with a BIG bang and some fireworks

And haven’t stopped since

Back to school shopping

Because I am so incredibly organised

OK, whatever

Because the girls and I leave soon, and won’t be back ’til school starts and the shops will totally have run out of all the shit I need which will completely fuck with my plans to start the school year off as the Mum with her shit together the mostest

So there’s been back to school eye tests, dental checks and physicals

All passed with flying colors

Does this mean I get a refund on school fees the first time they come home with some kind of bug/flu/cold for the year?

Imma gonna need that in writing thankyouverymuch

There’s been play dates at the park

The weather’s been amazing since I got home

Total swimming weather

Too bad I wouldn’t be caught dead I can’t find my bathers

My nephew and (only) niece have been in from Arizona

Who Macaroni and Magoo ADORE

I have forty-hundred cousins

And the girls only have 6

They get such a thrill when they can spend time with any of them

So there’s been sleepovers, water gun wars, swimming and lots of fun

And s’mores!

And because this weekend is the 4th July weekend over here

That means more parties and fireworks

The legal kind

And drinking

I’ve gone through more Yellow Tail this week than I normally go through in a month

Wine with lunch, in the arvo, with dinner, after dinner

And yes possibly right now with breakfast

Because it’s 10:42 at NIGHT in New Zealand right now

What are you…the fun police?

It’s called DENIAL jet-lag, people!

Gah!

It feels like just yesterday when Macaroni did

I remember Macaroni being so excited to finish preschool

So she could start Kindergarten

Magoo’s even more excited to finish

But only because that means she doesn’t go to school anymore

That’s my girl

She’s got a few months off now before Kindergarten starts

It’s going to take that long for her to realize that no, we aren’t joking

School is mandatory

And she’s got at least 12 more years of it

So suck it up princess

She had awesome teachers this year (the same fabbo ladies that Macaroni had)

Who are all Mums themselves

Which I think makes them even better at their jobs

And despite having to take Magoo’s fingers out of her nose seventy-hundred times a day

They still loved her

The feeling was very mutual

Magoo’s asked if we can have play dates with all of her teachers over the summer

I said sure, but only if I can come

And it’s in a bar

And she waits in the car

It was a cute ceremony

Even if the above sign made me feel ancient

And teary

For the first time EVER, we got Magoo out of the house wearing a white dress

That WASN’T covered in stains yet

She agreed to wear it on one condition

That she got to wear her red cowboy boots with it

I said sure, you can wear your boots

As long as you wear underwear

And for the first time in two weeks she DID!

I think

Her name was Shianne

You may have seen her on the Tasmania vlog

At about the 2:36 mark

Her Mum, Chantelle,  had sent a letter asking if Shianne could meet Dad

She’s only 11, but knows all the words to Dad’s songs

And loves him

You have to be 18 to see the show

So she came backstage before the Burnie concert to say hi and get some pics taken

Shianne has Alopecia

It’s a disease where your hair falls out

Sometimes in patches, sometimes all over

Shianne has Alopecia totalis

Which has made her totally bald

Eyebrows, eyelashes – all of it

Shianne first started loosing her hair when she was 7

As a Mum with a daughter who will be 7 this year

I try to imagine how she would cope losing her beautiful, long hair at this age

Being her Mum, I’m not sure I would handle it too well

Chantelle’s letter told of the hard time that Shianne gets at school

She gets teased constantly

Because we all know what motherfuckers how cruel kids can be sometimes

(And how much I hate bullying BUT how standing up to them can help)

So having something as obvious as ‘no hair’ would be such a magnet for the arsehole kids

So they give her a hard time

All the time

According to Chantelle, the school where Shianne goes, does fuck all about it is not too great at handling the situation

Shianne was told to, ‘deal with it’

As she would look like it for the rest of her life

So it’s in her ‘best interest’ to get used to the stares and smart arsed comments

When I spoke to Chantelle about it, I was gobsmacked

I’m not sure if changing schools is an option

But it’s something I would look into

After I told them to all go fuck themselves!

Asking an 11 year old girl to just deal with name-calling and constant teasing?

If that’s not absolute bullshit, I don’t know what is

Then I spoke to Shianne

And seriously, she is the cutest, sweetest, giggly little girl in the world

It seems so unfair

What she has to go through every day

Her friends and family are currently raising money

So that Shianne can go and meet some other kids who have Alopecia

She’s the only one in Tasmania

And has never met anyone else who suffers from it

She’s very excited

She wanted to have one of my albums, but we’d sold out on the night

Plus I was a little hesitant

OK, I was A LOT hesitant

About handing over an album of my ‘fuck’ songs to an 11 year old kid

Her Mum assured me it was OK

So I ended up sending her a signed copy

Along with a kick boxing dvd

To help her deal with the fuckers at school

And maybe kick some arse

I figure if I’m going to be a bad influence

I might as well give it my best shot

.

.

Update – they raised the money, so Shianne is planning her trip to go & meet some new friends!!

Dropping Miss 6 off at school. After walking her to the door, I head back to the car. I end up walking next to one of the other Mums

Trying to get my umbrella up I say, making pointless conversation as this woman & I have NOTHING in common Can’t believe it’s raining again

And she says, I know, I was just telling my baby boy (her 6 yr old son) that it’s not really rain. It’s the angels crying, because the Mummy’s are sad that the school year is almost over and their babies are growing up.

And I said, that’s just what I was going to say

(But what I THOUGHT was, holy shit you’re a fruit loop and your son’s future floral business better be successful to pay for all the therapy the little fucker is going to need)

Where all the kids write & then draw a picture of what they LOVE

I saw her drawing and was all, aaaawwww, she loves her FAMILY

So cute

See there we all are

Diamond, Miss 4, Me & the Fluffster

Well, apparently fucking NOT

I had it all wrong

It’s Diamond, Miss 4, Miss 6 & the Fluffinator

So where the fuck am I??

Miss 6 tells me her picture was too big

So she asked her teacher if she could do another one and make it all fit better

Nope said the mole

So she just wait til I see her next time cropped it off

But was nice enough to leave my feet in the drawing

My fucking size 8 and a half hooves!

That was it

Yep, there’s her Daddy, her sister, her, her dog and her MOTHER’S FEET!

Does anyone else have a problem with this?

I’m all like DUDE, I may be out of the country

But out of the whole PICTURE?

Harsh Mrs Teacher, harsh

It’s game-on  time now sister

You just wait ’til it’s time for the end of year ‘what will we get for the teacher as a big thank you?’ day

.

I sure hope you enjoy your bikini wax voucher lady

And I’ll make sure it comes with a complimentary COLON CLEANSE

LENT: in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Conventionally, it is described as being forty days long, though different denominations calculate the forty days differently. The forty days represent the time that, according to the Bible, Jesus spent in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, where he endured temptation by Satan

OK – got it?

Miss 6 learnt about Lent at school this week

And came home full of piss & vinegar excitement about it

I’m giving up my NINTENDO DS, she screamed

Ummm, not sure why she’s so thrilled about this

Does she know that she’s supposed to NOT play with it now?

For like, 40 days or something?

In her hyper-state, she decided to get Miss 4 to join the cause

But Miss 4 was doing her best to ignore her

So Miss 6 gave her her best sales pitch

Here’s the thing see, Jesus totally died for us a million years ago and so we like, OWE HIM! So, what we’ve got to do is find out what your most favourite thing in the world is. Not something you just LIKE – it’s gotta be something you really, REALLY LOOOOVE! And then you give it up. For 40 days, which is only a bit longer than a week I think. OK? So pick your most best favouritest thing EVER – and then sacrifice it for Jesus

Miss 4′s enthusiasm was registering a minus 12 on the ‘YAY scale’ at this point

I don’t want to give up what I love

But you HAVE to, or you’ll hurt Jesus’ feelings – and then if you pray for something from God, he won’t give it to you, because you didn’t SACRIFICE!

Then she looks at me, what are you giving up Mummy?

And I’m thinking, oh fuck come on, what’s this got to do with me?

But I recover quickly – Daddy. I’m going to give up Daddy for 40 days

Maybe even longer

She likes this answer – but hasn’t given up on her sister yet

OK – you have to decide now. God is watching and Jesus is totally listening. So what are you going to give up for Lentil? (I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what they call it at school)

Your Leapster? Your Baby Alive…or what about your dinosaurs? Yeah, you should totally give up those – ’cause you love them

Miss 4 looks at her and says, no, not that

I’m going to sack-the-pie (I think she meant sacrifice) my most favouritest thing ever

And Jesus will love me because I will sack-the-pie forever and never do it again

Then she looks up to the heavens and yells, BROCCOLI Jesus. I won’t ever have it again

NO MORE BROCCOLI EVER EVER EVER

Because I love you!

After this one – OK?

It actually wasn’t too bad except I can’t stop sobbing

If you don’t count the fact that she was so excited that she woke up at midnight, 2am, 4am & then got up at 6 am

Even Fluffy had his sad face on

We have to leave the house at 7:15am to drop her off at school on time

I don’t know about you – but that seems crazy early to me

The plus side is that she’s home in time for lunch

Now all I have to worry about is Miss 3 asking every 10 minutes

Is she done yet?

Can we pick her up yet?

I miss her

I’m sad without my sissy

I need to pee

Only 2 hours and 17 minutes to go

I might just go and start the car

Maybe do a drive by at the school

Peek through the windows even

Get a fucking life!

**apologies for the crappy blurry pics – they seemed to get worse the more I cried as the morning went on