This…

Plus one of these…

Using some of these…

Equals no more (sometimes twice) daily trips to here…

Well played, Santa

Well played.

Macaroni woke up Christmas morning to find a much-much-MUCH-wished for, salt water aquarium in the living room

I have no idea how Santa got this mammoth thing into our house

But I do know Diamond has put his back out and owes his Dad more than a few beers

This thing is like a happening little ecosystem, with new things popping up and growing from the live rock every day

Macaroni’s first order of business was to name all the inhabitants of the tank

According to the accompanying letter from Santa, she had 2 clown fish from Australia, a fire fish, cleaner shrimp, 2 really fast yellow ones and a very cool little purple long one that I can’t remember what they were called comes out very rarely – a dozen little crabs and some snails

She settled on Sara & Lara, for the yellow ones. Angel for the angel fish. Dancer for the shy one, Herbert for the shrimp.

And the 2 from Australia? Boomerang and Cherry Ripe

I’m not big on fish and the bucketload of work that goes into maintaining a saltwater tank – but Diamond is the man. Having wanted a saltwater tank since we first moved into our house, he’s a very happy boy

He and Macaroni have spent the last few days reading their ‘how to’ books on saltwater fish and visiting the local aquarium shops to get all the bits and bobs they need

Meanwhile I have been playing and hanging out with Magoo and her new Hamster

Like fuck I have

I’ve put together a list of things that I’d LOVE to see in my stocking this Christmas

Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?

There’s officially 2 more weeks left to order the new DVD, WHO DARES GRINS, if you want it in time for Christmas!

Whether it’s for you, or someone you love enough to give the gift of fuck songs

It’ll be signed, and arrive in time to stick under the tree

The idea of people waking up Christmas morning and opening their pressies – and seeing my mug and monster jugs

Makes me happy!

AUSTRALIANS & KIWIS!!

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US, UK, SOUTH AFRICA and EVERYHWERE ELSE !!

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