happily eva-after?

OK, I’d like to start this post of with a tip for all you married fellas
If you have a conversation with your wife that you start with, “…OK, so don’t be mad at me….BUT….”
She IS going to be mad at you
Instantly PISSED
Especially if you are Skyping each other from thousands of miles away
And you’re obviously hiding something behind your back, so she can’t see it

Then, in a big reveal, you bring around to the front what you’ve been hiding
AND IT’S A FUCKING DOG!

Yeah that.
That is what happened in my world last week
And it’s taken me days….DAYS I say, to calm down enough to share with you guys

I was SO pms ranty and yelling, “…Jesus motherfucking Christ, what is wrong with you?? Another dog?”

When the last ‘should we get another dog’ discussion we had, mentioned the words, absolutely not, and no fucking way, more than once. From both of us.
We have the Fluffinator. A 150 pound ball of white, barking fur.
And we adore him.
But he does NOT need a friend, for fuck’s sake
He is a (lovable) beast that is more than enough for one household thankyouverymuch.

I was thinking Diamond must have lost the plot since I’ve been away on tour.
Another dog! He’s gone fucking mental.
Can someone stop by and pick up my kids?
But……after having a few wines thinking about it though, it would seem it might in fact, be the opposite

Because…

A) I am on the other side of the world and can do nothing about it
B) it (better fucking be) will be toilet trained by the time I get back
C) she will be more a part of the family THAN ME when I eventually DO get home

Well fucking played Diamond
Well fucking played

Her name is Eva
She’s a Puggle
Which for the record, isn’t even a REAL breed of dog
It a bastard ‘BITSA’. Which is a bit of a Pug, and a bit of a Beagle.
I just saw them for sale at Harrods over here in the UK…..for £2,000
Yes, you read right. TWO THOUSAND POUNDS. As in $3100 US or Australian dollars.
For a fucking dog
Not. Joking.
I told Diamond this little ball of floppy black ears better have been found abandoned on the side of the road with a sign around her neck saying, “Free to good home”

But Magoo, bless her cotton socks, is forever looking on the bright side,

“…Mummy, I wanted a little brother, and I have Fluffy.
And then I wanted a little sister too, and now I have Eva.

And you didn’t even have to hatch her out of your pee pee!
You’re going to love her Mama!”

You know…..she might just be right.
Don’t you dare tell Diamond I said that.

anonymity is for arseholes

So, I know this is a comedian’s website and should be full of fart jokes and the like, but I’d just like to take a little pause from the funny today and say,

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

I read this article yesterday about how an Australian media personality, Charlotte Dawson, stuck up for a lady (Casey) on Twitter, who had been taunted by one of her (Charlotte’s) followers.

Following?
After Casey tweeted that she had lost her fiancé to suicide, someone else tweeted “…if I was your fiance I’d hang myself too #gohangyourself.”
Wow.
Charlottle managed to track down the author of the offending tweet. Reported her to her boss (she’s a mentor [the fuck?] at Monash University) and her boss subsequently suspended her arse.

The next 24 hours saw a barrage of support for Charlotte, of people applauding her and thanking her for her stand against bullying.
Those hours also saw a frighteningly massive number of attacks on her.


To quote the Daily Telegraph Online

Many Twitter users set up fake accounts just for the purpose of joining the campaign against Ms Dawson.

One user set up an account with the handle ‘@gohangyourself’.

The user tweeted:

“@MsCharlotteD Like previously stated by the many tweets you’ve received (sic) … And also stated by the country of New Zealand. Go hang yourself.”

Another user set up an account called “@JoKillYourself” and tweeted:

“@MsCharlotteD Kill yourself and save us the trouble of getting you taken off the air, you worthless w***e.”:

The user also posted instructions on how to do it.

And today it’s been reported that Charlotte was admitted to hospital last night. There are no specifics as to why. But I think it’s fair to assume that the personal and vicious attacks on her are absolutely what put her there.

Look, I get my fair share of ‘fuck you’ mail.
I’d like to be able to say that I can’t remember any of it. But I can. Most of it word for word.
I’ll never understand someone’s need to tear someone else down if they don’t like or agree with them.
I mean, I’m the first to call our Prime Minister a mole. I don’t like her. I think she’s fucking things up royally for Australia and Australians. Would I attack her personally? No I would not. My beef is with her and her policies.
Would I write a song about her? Absolutely. Is it vicious and hateful? My intent is to always find the funny. Some people may not find it funny. But they’ll never find it hateful.

It’s like other stuff I don’t like, smug newsreaders that piss me off with their wanky-ness or singers that have that really nasally tone that makes my ears pop in the ‘not good’ way, or Republican women’s HAIR ohgoddontgetmestarted.
There’s a metric tonne of shit that frustrates the fuck out of me for some reason or other. Sometimes for no good reason at all.
But here’s the thing, I’m free to just NOT LIKE IT.
Walk away, not buy what they’re selling, log of their website, whatever.
I don’t have to hate them. I don’t have to threaten them online.
And I certainly don’t have to tell them to hang themselves and attach instructions on how to get the job done.

The anonymity of the internet is a double edged sword. It allows people to browse around, leave comments on different blogs and websites and generally just find their ‘happy’ online.
The downside, is that same anonymity of the internet brings out the trolls. The faceless tough guys that leave hurtful and horrible messages all over the place.
Why?
Well I have a theory along the lines of them needing to get laid and out of their grandma’s spare room, and the internet provides them with the only place they’ll get a hard on a place where they feel important, funny, or noticed.
They really don’t care what they do or say to obtain those things.
In the real world, these people are more than a little fucked in the head.
Why so hateful?
Why the need to type out your venom to someone you’ve (more than likely) never met?
My bet is you could NEVER say those things to someone’s face.
Because cowards are like that.
Is it any wonder that kids are growing up online and are acting out these same behaviors.
Bullying is not OK.
And no one should ever have to go through the pain of losing someone to suicide.

So, to all you little snivelling pussies who use their keyboard as their battle shield, (who wouldn’t be reading this, because the peeps that read this blog, for the most part, are fucking awesome – so feel free to share this page with any bullying fucktards you may know and love) guess what fuckers?
Whether you like it or not, there’s more of US than you.
People who have lives, and don’t need the live on the internet to feel like we’re somebody.
People who will call you out for being the sad humans that you are.

You may not be accountable yet. But you will be.
I hope this whole Charlotte Dawson saga is the catalyst for some change
New laws, tougher laws. Some kind of price to pay for being an arsehole
We could call it a FUCKTARD FEE, a TOSSER TAX. Of just the PRICE of being a PRICK.

My Mum always said, “…being nice doesn’t cost a thing”
And Dad said, “…sticks and stones won’t break my bones,
but fuck you, you fucking fuck.”

So I say, “…being nice doesn’t cost a thing
you fucking fuck.”

UPDATE: more than a few people who’ve read this have pointed out my comment, “…I’m the first to call our Prime Minister a mole” – and that it does, in itself, count as a personal attack
Mole is a word I use a lot. My friends and I will call each other ‘a silly mole, and old mole, drunk mole, grumpy mole’. I guess if certain words have (as Dad says) ‘value points’, I would give the word ‘mole’ maybe a 2 out of 10. Other people may rate it higher, if it’s more offensive to them.
Would I call her a silly mole to her face? She is, after all, the Prime Minister. She is not however, my friend.  So probably not.  Was it a personal attack?
No.
Should I have worded it differently?
Probably.

dick pic, june 26, twenty twelve

As someone who swears for a living – I like to think that I know ‘how’ to cuss. It’s hereditary.
More importantly, I reckon I know WHEN to do it
Like, NOT in front of my kids if I can help it
And not in front of people who it may offend
Luckily, my mates couldn’t give a toss – allowing me shitloads of freedom to say whatever the fuck I want
So when I take my kids to their first ever baseball game
I’m not a fan of having to sit behind some wank-stain with this sticker on his back

Next to his girlfriend with ‘FUCK THIS SHIT” written on the front of her cap
Full disclosure: it was Mullet Night at the game, raising money for charity
But I don’t think at a family venue, you need to add the language to your outfit
You can just be a redneck, without having to be a FUCKING redneck, you know?

Call me a prude, whatevs.
Time and place. Time and place.

So, of course Magoo picks that moment to share her newly found reading skills,  and starts saying, “…don’t be a dick….don’t be a dick”
Then, “…Mum, what’s a dick?”
I told her, “…see the man with the sign on his back? THAT, is a dick”
She’s like, “…ewww, I don’t ever want to be a dick and look like that”

Followed by Macaroni, with the quote of the night

“…tell that to Miley Cyrus’ Dad”