I don’t even know where to start with this

Deep breath….

Here we go

I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows

Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla

Yum

Got off the plane & lined up for immigration

That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport

Then send you on your way

I’ve done it more times than I can remember

Piece of piss really

Ummm…yeah….not this time

Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me

Then the questions started

What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?

Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what

He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website

Pages of it

And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too

Oh, joy

Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’

They took my mugshot

I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris

But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face

Then I was asked to sign some forms

One of them stated that, “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?

So yeah,  I said I wouldn’t sign that one

He said I had to

I said no I didn’t

I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude

He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long

A detainee?

Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs

Neither of which I was trying to do

Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me

They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity

I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me

This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace

So I was put in a room with 8 other people

Make that 8 men

That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)

And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks

Oh yeah, the public phone?  I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any

All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates

My roomies were fucktards

At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type

A lady came & got me for an interview

Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted

Oh, how wrong I was

Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?

It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever

Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me

Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy

So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could

And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words

So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone

But you know what?

I wasn’t given a prayer mate

So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga

They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc

I wasn’t

But I’m taking that as a compliment

Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats

Soooooo

Seven hours and six more interviews later

That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS

I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry

Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it

Are you fucking kidding me?

When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy

Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars

But fuck – I pay taxes

And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation

Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white

And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country

So it could have gone either way for me

As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me

I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers

All the way onto the plane

I asked to stop to go to the toilet

They said no

I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water

They said no

Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had

And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse

But I’m pissed

I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all

I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country

And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled

I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me

Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places

I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?

I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK

Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards

You name it, I’ll fucking have it

I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows

I’ll be back though, I promise

I just need to make sure they let me in next time

Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?

*UPDATE*

Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!

You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!

New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th  - 31st January 2011

I’m going to try again!! x

I received an email this morning saying that one of our shows on the upcoming Rural New South Wales Tour had been cancelled

The canceling was not really a big deal

It’s still far enough away to put another show in it’s place

The reason for canceling the show has me a bit miffed

OK, so maybe that’s an understatement

It pissed-me-the-fuck-off

We were booked to play at a Services Club in Orange

Booked, confirmed, all set to go

Then the club’s committee ([my]definition of committee: a bunch of out of touch fuddy-duddies, that have no business making decisions for the general public)

Actually, not the ENTIRE committee

There was just one “objection from one of the board members”

Apparently, he deemed the show too rude for their venue

This one man

Is the town’s censor and moral compass?

So tell me this, Mr Councilman

Dad has been playing at your venue for more years than I can count

SELLING OUT your venue more times than I can count

Were there complaints?

Were people offended in the past?

I understand that the nature of Dad’s & my act is not for everybody

But when you continually sell out a venue

Doesn’t history dictate that there ARE people who want to see it?

Why THIS TIME is the show not suitable?

Because now YOU’RE on the committee?

To quote from Dad’s upcoming book:

Nobody tells Australian stories better than Kevin Bloody Wilson. Record sales of almost four million worldwide bear testimony to his International success. In January 2010 he received a nomination for Australian Of The Year, he’s listed in Who’s Who and his entire body of work has been chosen for inclusion in The National Film And Sound Archive in Canberra

This is an act that has sold out the Sydney Opera House and the London Palladium

But it’s not up to your standards?

Because your venue lists itself as:

No better venue in Country NSW for all your entertainment needs then right here at Club

We provide the best in live music, variety shows, comedy and children’s entertainment

You mention comedy?

But obviously not one of Australia’s highest selling comedians

So if this kind of comedy is not your cup of tea, then NO ONE gets to see it?

Wow, that sounds really fair mate

Totally keeping the best interest of the 30,000+ people that live in your city in mind, aren’t you buddy?

And though I may rant at your lack of vision for what’s best for the public in Orange

It’s you who will miss out

But the good people in Orange will not

See, we’ve booked ourselves at the ORANGE CIVIC THEATRE

And that’s we’re we’ll be playing November 7th

It’s going to be a ball-tearer of a show, sir

That, I can promise you

I told Dad I wouldn’t call you a cranky old fucktard, so I didn’t

Doesn’t mean I don’t think it

(my opinion, not my arsehole)

So here’s a little disclaimer for the following post

It fucking totally will may get a little ‘rant-y’

My very loud, angry opinion

So what the FUCK is up with all these boat people coming into Australia?

What’s that other word we use for them?

Oh yeah, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!

And here I was thinking that if something was ILLEGAL

It was wrong

It meant laws had been broken

There would be punishment involved

Silly fucking me

Illegal immigrants here

Who arrive by boat

Are flown to various locations around Australia

In private, chartered planes

Almost $200,000 a week is being spent on charter flights to ferry asylum seekers all over the place

In the 2008-09 financial year, 32 charter flights carrying 2500 people  cost $2.7 million – an average of $84,000 a flight.

They then stay in (custom built) detention centres

And when that’s not available, hotels

It’s certainly more accommodating than where they have come from

They are given money for food, clothing & other supplies

We don’t just ‘supply’ them with supplies

In many cases they are given the cash

And sent off on a shopping spree

Let’s not forget the medical care given too

Wow!

So all you hard working, tax paying Australians

Are footing the bill for this

For these criminals

They are then provided with financial resources by the Australian taxpayer to pay the legal costs of arguing their cases

One estimate is that the cost of removing an illegal immigrant is, on average, approximately $60,000

It makes me want to go out and punch a do-gooder in the fucking face

I appreciate that this is a country built from the ground up, BY immigrants

But these immigrants worked their FUCKING ARSES OFF to make this country what it is

There were no handouts

They worked

And they worked

They became Australian

They EARNED it

It was not just given to them when they landed on these shores

Now look, I understand these people come from impoverished backgrounds

They are seeking a better way of life

I’m just asking that they do it legally

There is a system in place

We have an entire immigration department

An immigration Minister even

Who knew?

Why not spend some of the private plane/hotel funds

On getting these people here the right way?

Pay lawyers/administraters in their countries to ‘apply’ for them

For legal residency / citizenship

Use the money to process their applications

Then each application is taken on merit

And I’m sorry, actually, you know what?

I’m not sorry

If you don’t speak English

If you have no skills

If your moving here would burden us

If WE would have to pay for your food, shelter etc

Then NO

You can’t come

Maybe that sounds a little rough to you

But there are laws for immigration

And as someone who has met many, many people from overseas

Who would give a BODY PART to be able to live in Australia

But don’t fit the criteria

As in: They don’t have more than $250,000 in assets

They don’t bring a job skill that will benefit this country

They try to do it ‘the right way’

They are denied

But hey, jump in a boat

With nothing but the clothes on your back

And we’ll pay YOU to stay here

I know that a lot of these people are victims of people smugglers

And give what little they have to the man in charge

With nothing more than a promise of a new life in Australia

But if we don’t let them in

EVER

Then the ‘man in charge’ is out of fucking business

Australia is no longer a destination, right?

I appreciate that there are many more asylum seekers who arrive by air

And that there are more than 50,000 visa overstayers here

Compared to fewer than 5000 boat people

But the money spent on them surely can be better used staffing our immigration officers

To help them track & deport other illegals

There is so much money being spent on HELPING those who have clearly broken our laws

I just don’t get it

And what about the security of this country?

A lot of these UNDOCUMENTED, ILLEGAL immigrants

Are from Afghanistan

‘Scuse me, but aren’t our boys getting fucking killed over there trying to help them?

Fuck that shit

And I couldn’t mean that more

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to Korea?

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to China?

‘Cause they’d end up in jail, that’s why

Or with their fucking heads blown off

A bit harsh I know

But shit, it’s totally working for them

The ‘fuck off we’re full’ mentality that so many Australians have

Is not, in my opinion, the answer

But there are days where I absolutely agree with the sentiment behind it

For the average Aussie, working hard

Paying taxes

Chasing a bit of the ‘Australian Dream’

It’s not easy sometimes

And to see others just show up on our doorstep

And be gifted with what most people here work bloody hard for

Is just fucking wrong

Sure there’s room for everybody

But let’s be smart about this

And do it the legal way

Let the people who have followed the law

And have something to GIVE, rather than TAKE

Let them have a shot at coming here

I know my opinion is just that, MINE

And you may not agree with me

But you know what?

I welcome your opinion

If you know more about this and want to enlighten me

Go ahead

Who knows, maybe you can even change my opinion?

Good luck with that.

There’s been a lot on the news and in the papers here in Australia about female circumcision

.

Sorry, were you eating?

.

Here’s the deal

It’s illegal in this country

And America

And the United Kingdom

Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden

As it should fucking be

These are civilsed, Western countries

Where women are treated equally & with respect

But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia

.

I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable

Part of the culture

And abides by people’s religious beliefs

Your country, your rules

.

But here’s the thing

This is Australia

Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises

And you know what else?

It’s OK for them to use them too

To touch them

To have them touched

And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you

Bring a woman PLEASURE

‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like

Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion

But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction

Pleasure, orgasm even

And that’s the crux of this debate

.

Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal

Your culture treats them as second class citizens

And their right to sexual pleasure?

Forget about it

That’s reserved for men only

But you know what, I may not agree with it

In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is

The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach

As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive

But that’s just my opinion

.

But you chose to come to Australia

A Western country

Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?

If your country & culture is so vital to your existence

Then why did you choose to live here?

I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here

Then why not respect our laws?

Our culture

And yes, our women

.

You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this

And try to be reasonable

Present a thought out, well worded argument

But I think the five words that sum it up best

FIT IN OR FUCK OFF

And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you