It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

Since then I’ve seen pop up on quite a few other blogs

I wanted to post it here too

Because I support this

And I don’t understand why two people who want to get married can’t

I try to imagine back when Diamond and I fell in love

And the amazing memory I have of the day he asked me to marry him

Doesn’t everyone deserve to have that memory?

To those who don’t agree

Why does it bother you?

How does it affect your life if 2 people who happen to have the same genitals, get married?

It shouldn’t

No more than if they live together

Forever

What’s the big fucking difference?

I can’t wait for the day when people like Derence & Ed don’t have to plead their case

Or ask permission

To do what the rest of us can do whenever we like

To whomever we like

As many times as we like

I wish these guys every happiness and hope so much they get to get married

And not just because they are probably the cutest couple I’ve ever seen

Most of you, whether you know it or not, know somebody, or have someone in your family

Who suffers from some kind of mental illness

I know I do

No punch line here, it’s just a fact

And I know I’m the first to make a joke about some whackjob I read about in the paper

But sometimes there’s just no funny to be found

Mental illness can be devastating if left undiagnosed or untreated

We all live in countries where there is help

But you have to speak up

Get help, or if you see someone you know struggling

Try to help them

When something like the tragic shootings in Arizona happen

The rest of the world is quick to point fingers at the US

And blame the gun laws here for the problem

And although Australia has nowhere near the gun ownership numbers due to much stricter gun laws

Anyone wishing to possess or use a firearm in Australia must have a Firearms Licence and, with some exceptions, be over the age of 18. Owners must have secure storage for their firearms. For each firearm a “Genuine Reason” must be given, relating to pest control, hunting, target shooting, or collecting. Self-defense is not accepted as a reason for issuing a licence

When a (for lack of a better word) ‘crazy’ person wants to harm themselves or others

They’ll find a way to do it

Most Australian’s would know the name Martin Bryant as the gunman responsible for Australia’s deadliest massacre

OK, it may not happen often – but it does

And what about taxi driver Derrick Bird in the UK last year?

It happens everywhere

I think that access to weapons isn’t the whole problem here

But rather the amount of truly fucked up & disturbed people there are in the world

And sure, them being able to get their hands ON a weapon IS a part of the problem

But shouldn’t we being trying to treat/fix these people?

Recognise people that need help

The shooter in Arizona, Jared Loughner has been described by all who knew him as

Weird, paranoid, full of conspiracy theories, anti government

He was kicked out of school and told he could only come back after a mental evaluation that showed,

“…in the opinion of a mental health professional, his presence at the College does not present a danger to himself or others.

And then he went and bought a gun

So maybe all the help in the world can’t help some people

I understand that

I don’t have the answers

But I do believe that maybe ‘giving a shit’ about each other is a step in the right direction

Looking out for not only ourselves, but our neighbours, work colleagues

I wonder if some if these people that committed these acts had more people that ‘gave a shit’ about them

Would it have made a difference?

I guess we’ll never know

Now, I’m getting off my soapbox to go and listen to some Barbra

Over the new TSA regulations

The TSA being the Transportation Security Administration in the USA

You know, the security peeps at the airport with the wands & the (usually) grumpy faces?

Their new regulations are introducing the use of more thorough pat downs in the screening process of passengers

As someone who flies a lot

I go through airport security checks several times a month

All year ’round

Look, I don’t know anyone that loves it

But it’s just part of the deal if you want to travel in this day and age

And up until now, I’ve never really had a problem with it

I even went through one of the body scanners for the first time at San Francisco airport last month

It wasn’t a drama at all

I walked in, stopped for 3 seconds

And walked out the other side

The TSA officer on the other side got the all clear on her radio

Obviously from whoever is off a the room somewhere looking over the scans

I think he radioed in something like, “…..the hotty midget with the massive ta-tas is clear!”

But from what I understand, the TSA’s new regulations will allow their security officers to REALLY pat you down

If there is no body scanners (which don’t show if there’s any weapons etc up your woo hoo anyway)

Or if you refuse to go through a body scanner

Like, up your skirt if you’re wearing one

Feeling over your breasts

And grabbing men’s lunch box packages

All in the name of being more thorough

There’s even footage doing the rounds of a 3 year old getting a pat down that has people up in arms

I watched it – and it doesn’t seem over-the-top at all

(others may see it differently)

I’ve traveled with both my girls since they were babies

And they’ve been taken out of their strollers

Been woken up so they can walk through the metal detectors

Had the wand waved over them

And yeah, even been patted down

The truth?

They loved it

Thought it was all a part of the big traveling adventure

The only time it really pissed me off was when a fucktard in a TSA uniform asked me to demonstrate that the machine with the big battery & tubes coming from it

That was in my backpack

Was in fact a breast pump, not a bomb

I think that Diamond threatening to “…sue his mother fucking ignorant arse for sexual harassment and being a cunt….”

Got us out of that one

But I think if you do anything often enough, like go through airport security

You’re bound to come across the odd wank-stain every now and then

But in light of these new, more aggressive pat down methods

I think I’d have to ask the question before I’d let you pat down one of my daughters again

“Will you be touching their genitals?

‘Cause that is NOT going to happen”

You’d best be finding another way to search my kid

Or we’ll be walking to Australia

And while we’re at it – when was the last time a 5 year old American/Australian citizen tried to blow up an aircraft?

I know, that opens up a whole shit storm of racial profiling

But fuck, common sense would say that works doesn’t it?

There are exceptions to every stereotype

There ARE blonde, blue eyed terrorist wannabes out there

But I’d hazzard a guess that more than 90% are not

So why not make educated decisions when screening passengers?

Not just 1 out of every four

How about leaving anyone under 10 the fuck alone?

And the Grannies

‘Cause that demographic don’t have a large presence with al-Qaida, me thinks

So does my opinion make me racist?

Please

Common sense is drowning under the weight of political correctness

And if my opinion is not PC?

Then I’m xenophobic

A bigot even

I read about two women refusing to have a body scan due to their religious beliefs

They chose not to fly, rather than go through the screening process

That’s their choice

If I chose to travel while wearing any sort of baggy clothing, whether for religious or comfort reasons

That could easily conceal weapons, explosives etc

I would expect to be rigorously and thoroughly patted down, scanned and screened

I wouldn’t consider myself being discriminated against

It’s just common fucking sense, isn’t it?

I really don’t give a fuck what the PC brigade thinks

I don’t value their opinion any more than they value mine

At the end of the day, airport security is there to keep us travelers SAFE

Why not prescreen people?

Have the chip in their passport give a detailed background of each passenger

If you have nothing to hide, I don’t see how it’s a problem

I wouldn’t care – the government knows everything about me anyway

Your background check etc would give you a resulting score out of, say 10

10 being the person you do NOT want on your flight

Lock that fucker up

I’d like to think that I’d be a 1

There’s not too many Australian married mums of two, who say fuck for a living, signing up to be suicide bombers these days

At a stretch, my threat level might be a 2

But that’s more about what plane food does to my farting frequencies

Than my affiliation with terrorists

I agree that yeah, sometimes it’s inconvenient to go through airport screenings

Do we need them to be more thorough?

In my opinion, no

I think we need to be smarter about who we screen

But if I have to go through the more rigorous process, then so be it

I have no problem with a security officer just doing their job

Go ahead and fossil for firecrackers up my vajay-jay

And check my boobs for bombs

Can I get dinner & flowers first?

Deep breath….

Here we go

I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows

Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla

Yum

Got off the plane & lined up for immigration

That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport

Then send you on your way

I’ve done it more times than I can remember

Piece of piss really

Ummm…yeah….not this time

Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me

Then the questions started

What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?

Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what

He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website

Pages of it

And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too

Oh, joy

Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’

They took my mugshot

I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris

But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face

Then I was asked to sign some forms

One of them stated that, “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?

So yeah,  I said I wouldn’t sign that one

He said I had to

I said no I didn’t

I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude

He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long

A detainee?

Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs

Neither of which I was trying to do

Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me

They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity

I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me

This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace

So I was put in a room with 8 other people

Make that 8 men

That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)

And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks

Oh yeah, the public phone?  I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any

All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates

My roomies were fucktards

At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type

A lady came & got me for an interview

Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted

Oh, how wrong I was

Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt

She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?

It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever

Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me

Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy

So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could

And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words

So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F

And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone

But you know what?

I wasn’t given a prayer mate

So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga

They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc

I wasn’t

But I’m taking that as a compliment

Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats

Soooooo

Seven hours and six more interviews later

That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS

I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry

Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it

Are you fucking kidding me?

When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy

Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars

But fuck – I pay taxes

And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation

Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white

And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country

So it could have gone either way for me

As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me

I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers

All the way onto the plane

I asked to stop to go to the toilet

They said no

I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water

They said no

Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had

And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse

But I’m pissed

I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all

I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country

And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled

I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me

Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places

I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?

I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK

Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards

You name it, I’ll fucking have it

I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows

I’ll be back though, I promise

I just need to make sure they let me in next time

Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?

*UPDATE*

Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!

You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!

New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th  - 31st January 2011

I’m going to try again!! x

The canceling was not really a big deal

It’s still far enough away to put another show in it’s place

The reason for canceling the show has me a bit miffed

OK, so maybe that’s an understatement

It pissed-me-the-fuck-off

We were booked to play at a Services Club in Orange

Booked, confirmed, all set to go

Then the club’s committee ([my]definition of committee: a bunch of out of touch fuddy-duddies, that have no business making decisions for the general public)

Actually, not the ENTIRE committee

There was just one “objection from one of the board members”

Apparently, he deemed the show too rude for their venue

This one man

Is the town’s censor and moral compass?

So tell me this, Mr Councilman

Dad has been playing at your venue for more years than I can count

SELLING OUT your venue more times than I can count

Were there complaints?

Were people offended in the past?

I understand that the nature of Dad’s & my act is not for everybody

But when you continually sell out a venue

Doesn’t history dictate that there ARE people who want to see it?

Why THIS TIME is the show not suitable?

Because now YOU’RE on the committee?

To quote from Dad’s upcoming book:

Nobody tells Australian stories better than Kevin Bloody Wilson. Record sales of almost four million worldwide bear testimony to his International success. In January 2010 he received a nomination for Australian Of The Year, he’s listed in Who’s Who and his entire body of work has been chosen for inclusion in The National Film And Sound Archive in Canberra

This is an act that has sold out the Sydney Opera House and the London Palladium

But it’s not up to your standards?

Because your venue lists itself as:

No better venue in Country NSW for all your entertainment needs then right here at Club

We provide the best in live music, variety shows, comedy and children’s entertainment

You mention comedy?

But obviously not one of Australia’s highest selling comedians

So if this kind of comedy is not your cup of tea, then NO ONE gets to see it?

Wow, that sounds really fair mate

Totally keeping the best interest of the 30,000+ people that live in your city in mind, aren’t you buddy?

And though I may rant at your lack of vision for what’s best for the public in Orange

It’s you who will miss out

But the good people in Orange will not

See, we’ve booked ourselves at the ORANGE CIVIC THEATRE

And that’s we’re we’ll be playing November 7th

It’s going to be a ball-tearer of a show, sir

That, I can promise you

I told Dad I wouldn’t call you a cranky old fucktard, so I didn’t

Doesn’t mean I don’t think it

So here’s a little disclaimer for the following post

It fucking totally will may get a little ‘rant-y’

My very loud, angry opinion

So what the FUCK is up with all these boat people coming into Australia?

What’s that other word we use for them?

Oh yeah, ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!

And here I was thinking that if something was ILLEGAL

It was wrong

It meant laws had been broken

There would be punishment involved

Silly fucking me

Illegal immigrants here

Who arrive by boat

Are flown to various locations around Australia

In private, chartered planes

Almost $200,000 a week is being spent on charter flights to ferry asylum seekers all over the place

In the 2008-09 financial year, 32 charter flights carrying 2500 people  cost $2.7 million – an average of $84,000 a flight.

They then stay in (custom built) detention centres

And when that’s not available, hotels

It’s certainly more accommodating than where they have come from

They are given money for food, clothing & other supplies

We don’t just ‘supply’ them with supplies

In many cases they are given the cash

And sent off on a shopping spree

Let’s not forget the medical care given too

Wow!

So all you hard working, tax paying Australians

Are footing the bill for this

For these criminals

They are then provided with financial resources by the Australian taxpayer to pay the legal costs of arguing their cases

One estimate is that the cost of removing an illegal immigrant is, on average, approximately $60,000

It makes me want to go out and punch a do-gooder in the fucking face

I appreciate that this is a country built from the ground up, BY immigrants

But these immigrants worked their FUCKING ARSES OFF to make this country what it is

There were no handouts

They worked

And they worked

They became Australian

They EARNED it

It was not just given to them when they landed on these shores

Now look, I understand these people come from impoverished backgrounds

They are seeking a better way of life

I’m just asking that they do it legally

There is a system in place

We have an entire immigration department

An immigration Minister even

Who knew?

Why not spend some of the private plane/hotel funds

On getting these people here the right way?

Pay lawyers/administraters in their countries to ‘apply’ for them

For legal residency / citizenship

Use the money to process their applications

Then each application is taken on merit

And I’m sorry, actually, you know what?

I’m not sorry

If you don’t speak English

If you have no skills

If your moving here would burden us

If WE would have to pay for your food, shelter etc

Then NO

You can’t come

Maybe that sounds a little rough to you

But there are laws for immigration

And as someone who has met many, many people from overseas

Who would give a BODY PART to be able to live in Australia

But don’t fit the criteria

As in: They don’t have more than $250,000 in assets

They don’t bring a job skill that will benefit this country

They try to do it ‘the right way’

They are denied

But hey, jump in a boat

With nothing but the clothes on your back

And we’ll pay YOU to stay here

I know that a lot of these people are victims of people smugglers

And give what little they have to the man in charge

With nothing more than a promise of a new life in Australia

But if we don’t let them in

EVER

Then the ‘man in charge’ is out of fucking business

Australia is no longer a destination, right?

I appreciate that there are many more asylum seekers who arrive by air

And that there are more than 50,000 visa overstayers here

Compared to fewer than 5000 boat people

But the money spent on them surely can be better used staffing our immigration officers

To help them track & deport other illegals

There is so much money being spent on HELPING those who have clearly broken our laws

I just don’t get it

And what about the security of this country?

A lot of these UNDOCUMENTED, ILLEGAL immigrants

Are from Afghanistan

‘Scuse me, but aren’t our boys getting fucking killed over there trying to help them?

Fuck that shit

And I couldn’t mean that more

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to Korea?

Why aren’t they trying to immigrate to China?

‘Cause they’d end up in jail, that’s why

Or with their fucking heads blown off

A bit harsh I know

But shit, it’s totally working for them

The ‘fuck off we’re full’ mentality that so many Australians have

Is not, in my opinion, the answer

But there are days where I absolutely agree with the sentiment behind it

For the average Aussie, working hard

Paying taxes

Chasing a bit of the ‘Australian Dream’

It’s not easy sometimes

And to see others just show up on our doorstep

And be gifted with what most people here work bloody hard for

Is just fucking wrong

Sure there’s room for everybody

But let’s be smart about this

And do it the legal way

Let the people who have followed the law

And have something to GIVE, rather than TAKE

Let them have a shot at coming here

I know my opinion is just that, MINE

And you may not agree with me

But you know what?

I welcome your opinion

If you know more about this and want to enlighten me

Go ahead

Who knows, maybe you can even change my opinion?

Good luck with that.

.

Sorry, were you eating?

.

Here’s the deal

It’s illegal in this country

And America

And the United Kingdom

Canada, Netherlands, Italy, New Zealand, Sweden

As it should fucking be

These are civilsed, Western countries

Where women are treated equally & with respect

But there are some people who think they should have the freedom to carry out this barbaric ritual in Australia

.

I understand in some countries female genital mutilation is acceptable

Part of the culture

And abides by people’s religious beliefs

Your country, your rules

.

But here’s the thing

This is Australia

Where, as much as it might offend you, it’s OK for women to keep their clitorises

And you know what else?

It’s OK for them to use them too

To touch them

To have them touched

And, here’s where I know it REALLY bothers you

Bring a woman PLEASURE

‘Cause you can twist it and word it all you like

Wrap it up in a big blanket called religion

But what it boils down to is a woman’s right for satisfaction

Pleasure, orgasm even

And that’s the crux of this debate

.

Your culture doesn’t believe that women are equal

Your culture treats them as second class citizens

And their right to sexual pleasure?

Forget about it

That’s reserved for men only

But you know what, I may not agree with it

In fact I can’t begin to tell you how fucked up I think your way of life is

The idea that this custom is carried out on little girls makes me sick to my stomach

As a woman, I find it wrong, repressive & completely repulsive

But that’s just my opinion

.

But you chose to come to Australia

A Western country

Why did you do that and insist on bringing your prehistoric & cruel ways with you?

If your country & culture is so vital to your existence

Then why did you choose to live here?

I have to believe that there was something good about Australia & it’s people that made you decide to be here

Then why not respect our laws?

Our culture

And yes, our women

.

You know, there’s a lot more I could write about this

And try to be reasonable

Present a thought out, well worded argument

But I think the five words that sum it up best

FIT IN OR FUCK OFF

And take your rusty fucking razor blades with you

Had a lot of fun & made some great mates

I don’t get back there nearly as often as I’d like

It’s a great town if you like country music and bbq ribs full of fun stuff and people

Nashville is where I first started having problems with what I shall refer to as my six million dollar tooth

My SMT if you will

I had a toothache that went bad

Really bad

Like my gums were giving birth to a pod of pygmy hippos kind of bad

So after realising that alcohol was not the best medicine in this case, I finally relented and went to the dentist

For those of you aren’t familiar with my pain allergy and masters degree in woos-i-ness, just know that I have been known to call for an ambulance for a paper cut

So being a big girl and going to the dentist was fucking torture a big deal for me

After examining my tooth he ‘tsk tsked‘ a bit wanker and then told me 2 words I hoped to never hear

You’re pregnant

No, no those two words. They came a few years later

ROOT CANAL

Me: Oh fuck – can’t you just give me a new tooth?

Him: No. We can fix this one

Me: Well, how about I just learn to smile from the one side, like this?

(I strike a pose)

That way you won’t even notice it if I don’t have the root canal and it ends up falling out

Him: No

Me: Oh man. OK then – but I’m going to need drugs

Lots of drugs

He’s all,

Sure we have pain medication and the like

Me: I don’t think you understand

I’m talking copious amounts of class A narcotics

Got it?

Him: We’ll see what we can do

So to cut to the chase (what does that mean anyway?)

I had the root canal

It didn’t hurt too bad when he did it

But afterwards?
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!

You can slap me on the arse and call me a pussy, but that shit is for motherfuckers

My eyes are watering just thinking about it

After it was all done I was booked to go back to get the tooth capped

And of course I totally didn’t go

What’s the worse thing that could happen?

Let me tell you what the worse thing that could happen

You could be singing on stage (I can’t remember where, I blacked out from the pain alcohol) and have someone run up and stab you in the mouth with rusty Aztec spear

OK, so that didn’t actually happen

But Jeeeesus, that’s what it felt like

It hurt so bad

So I go to the dentist, a new one cause the other one wouldn’t give me the keys to the drug cabinet because I was now living in Chicago

He told me that because I didn’t have the tooth capped after the root canal, I was a stupid mole it had cracked and my gum was now growing through the cracks

Are you eating? Yeah, it paints a lovely picture doesn’t it?

So after he promised to give me as much gas, viacodon and elephant tranquilisers as I needed, I agreed to let him take it out and then give me a new tooth

Many appointments where I was as high as a kite and may have said innappropriate things to the ugly dental assistant later…

I got a new tooth

I’ve had my new tooth for a while now

I like my tooth

I went through a lot to get my new tooth

It’s kind of cool looking don’t you think?

What’s that?

Oh, why is it in my hand you ask?

Because the cock-sucking-mental-anguish-causing-mother-fucking-six-million-dollar-nearly-died-from-a-drug-overdose-because-of-it piece-of-dental-CRAP, fell-the-fuck-out today

That’s why!

Three days ago, I spent over 2 hours filling in forms

That’s right, you didn’t read wrong, I said 2 HOURS!

And I know you’re probably thinking it’s because I’m a total slowy that can’t spell for shit

And yeah, that was probably part of the reason

The thing that pissed me off got me the most, was filling in the SAME form 2 or 3 times

I mean, haven’t schools these days heard of carbon paper or I don’t know, maybe a FUCKING COMPUTER??

I haven’t gone through this much paper since I went on that trip to Thailand 10 years ago and ate that dodgy seafood soup

I got to the point filling in all these forms where I just wanted to fuck with them a bit – and by them, I mean the bastards people that would be reading them

So of course I did

I expect to be called into the principal’s office within the first few days of school over this one for sure:

It went a little something like this

Name: JENNY TALIA (but you can call me genitalia)

Address: I live with Diamond

Occupation: Exotic dancer and part-time camel wrangler

Who has primary custody of your child: Well, I guess that would be the government. Or child welfare. I can’t remember what you call them. You know, the people that keep coming over and busting me for all the cigarette burns on my daughter and picking on me for shacking up with my cousin. You can’t help who you love you know!

Contact number: 1800 IDO-ANYTHING

Religion: Any church that gives me Jesus Juice before lunch on a Sunday

I’m sure they’ll get my sense of humour

Oh well, too late now

It’s in the mail