anonymity is for arseholes

So, I know this is a comedian’s website and should be full of fart jokes and the like, but I’d just like to take a little pause from the funny today and say,


I read this article yesterday about how an Australian media personality, Charlotte Dawson, stuck up for a lady (Casey) on Twitter, who had been taunted by one of her (Charlotte’s) followers.

After Casey tweeted that she had lost her fiancé to suicide, someone else tweeted “…if I was your fiance I’d hang myself too #gohangyourself.”
Charlottle managed to track down the author of the offending tweet. Reported her to her boss (she’s a mentor [the fuck?] at Monash University) and her boss subsequently suspended her arse.

The next 24 hours saw a barrage of support for Charlotte, of people applauding her and thanking her for her stand against bullying.
Those hours also saw a frighteningly massive number of attacks on her.

To quote the Daily Telegraph Online

Many Twitter users set up fake accounts just for the purpose of joining the campaign against Ms Dawson.

One user set up an account with the handle ‘@gohangyourself’.

The user tweeted:

“@MsCharlotteD Like previously stated by the many tweets you’ve received (sic) … And also stated by the country of New Zealand. Go hang yourself.”

Another user set up an account called “@JoKillYourself” and tweeted:

“@MsCharlotteD Kill yourself and save us the trouble of getting you taken off the air, you worthless w***e.”:

The user also posted instructions on how to do it.

And today it’s been reported that Charlotte was admitted to hospital last night. There are no specifics as to why. But I think it’s fair to assume that the personal and vicious attacks on her are absolutely what put her there.

Look, I get my fair share of ‘fuck you’ mail.
I’d like to be able to say that I can’t remember any of it. But I can. Most of it word for word.
I’ll never understand someone’s need to tear someone else down if they don’t like or agree with them.
I mean, I’m the first to call our Prime Minister a mole. I don’t like her. I think she’s fucking things up royally for Australia and Australians. Would I attack her personally? No I would not. My beef is with her and her policies.
Would I write a song about her? Absolutely. Is it vicious and hateful? My intent is to always find the funny. Some people may not find it funny. But they’ll never find it hateful.

It’s like other stuff I don’t like, smug newsreaders that piss me off with their wanky-ness or singers that have that really nasally tone that makes my ears pop in the ‘not good’ way, or Republican women’s HAIR ohgoddontgetmestarted.
There’s a metric tonne of shit that frustrates the fuck out of me for some reason or other. Sometimes for no good reason at all.
But here’s the thing, I’m free to just NOT LIKE IT.
Walk away, not buy what they’re selling, log of their website, whatever.
I don’t have to hate them. I don’t have to threaten them online.
And I certainly don’t have to tell them to hang themselves and attach instructions on how to get the job done.

The anonymity of the internet is a double edged sword. It allows people to browse around, leave comments on different blogs and websites and generally just find their ‘happy’ online.
The downside, is that same anonymity of the internet brings out the trolls. The faceless tough guys that leave hurtful and horrible messages all over the place.
Well I have a theory along the lines of them needing to get laid and out of their grandma’s spare room, and the internet provides them with the only place they’ll get a hard on a place where they feel important, funny, or noticed.
They really don’t care what they do or say to obtain those things.
In the real world, these people are more than a little fucked in the head.
Why so hateful?
Why the need to type out your venom to someone you’ve (more than likely) never met?
My bet is you could NEVER say those things to someone’s face.
Because cowards are like that.
Is it any wonder that kids are growing up online and are acting out these same behaviors.
Bullying is not OK.
And no one should ever have to go through the pain of losing someone to suicide.

So, to all you little snivelling pussies who use their keyboard as their battle shield, (who wouldn’t be reading this, because the peeps that read this blog, for the most part, are fucking awesome – so feel free to share this page with any bullying fucktards you may know and love) guess what fuckers?
Whether you like it or not, there’s more of US than you.
People who have lives, and don’t need the live on the internet to feel like we’re somebody.
People who will call you out for being the sad humans that you are.

You may not be accountable yet. But you will be.
I hope this whole Charlotte Dawson saga is the catalyst for some change
New laws, tougher laws. Some kind of price to pay for being an arsehole
We could call it a FUCKTARD FEE, a TOSSER TAX. Of just the PRICE of being a PRICK.

My Mum always said, “…being nice doesn’t cost a thing”
And Dad said, “…sticks and stones won’t break my bones,
but fuck you, you fucking fuck.”

So I say, “…being nice doesn’t cost a thing
you fucking fuck.”

UPDATE: more than a few people who’ve read this have pointed out my comment, “…I’m the first to call our Prime Minister a mole” – and that it does, in itself, count as a personal attack
Mole is a word I use a lot. My friends and I will call each other ‘a silly mole, and old mole, drunk mole, grumpy mole’. I guess if certain words have (as Dad says) ‘value points’, I would give the word ‘mole’ maybe a 2 out of 10. Other people may rate it higher, if it’s more offensive to them.
Would I call her a silly mole to her face? She is, after all, the Prime Minister. She is not however, my friend.  So probably not.  Was it a personal attack?
Should I have worded it differently?

letters from the airport

This is what happens when I am stuck an airport 7 hours longer than I was supposed to be

Blame American Airlines and the open bar in the lounge

Dear Lady Clearing Your Throat Every 90 Seconds

Can you please just go to the toilet and cough that shit up? It’s kind of gross, and filling my head with images of green goozies. Unless of course you’re a porn star – in which case it’s just a work place injury and I apologise


Dear Young Couple Taking Your FOUR LITTLE KIDS on holidays

My ears hurt. Your children are areholes. Shut those fuckers up.


Dear Man Watching Porn 10 feet Away from Me

I saw you. You saw me see you. Dude…ewwww! Turn off your laptop and go take a cold shower. Yuk.


Dear Dude Skyping His Girlfriend and Crying Because You Miss Her

The fuck? Way to make yourself completely un-rootable. It’s like you WANT her to dump your arse. Harden up, soft cock.


Dear Work Colleagues Flirting Like Mother Fuckers

You are both married. To other people. Don’t be so fucking stupid. You’re both kind of ugly too.

Not. Worth. It.


Dear Old Man Across From Me That Has Fallen Asleep

Bless your little cotton socks, you look so cute. Until you start snoring. Then I’ll probably throw my empty wine glass at you


Dear Ladies Talking Excitedly in Another Language

What are you saying? It’s probably about shopping or muffin recipes. You do look about 70. But it’s making me happy to think that you’re actually vibrator testers, discussing the latest innovations.


Dear Loud Group of Men at the End of The Room

You’re drunk. You’re being obnoxious. Don’t make me get out my guitar.


Dear Lady That Keeps Bringing Me Drinks

I love you.


Dear American Airlines

You suck.

stick your stickers

I’ve never really understood people’s need to cover their car in stickers

Like I want the opinion of a stranger, when I’m looking at his arse at a red light

Because 9 times out of 10, I don’t agree with their crap and slogans and political points of view

And by the time that light turns green, I’m ready to ram ’em

Or at least gun it past them while giving them my best DILLIGAF salute

And then came these..

The ‘stick figure family stickers’

I know you’ve seen them

They’re fucking everywhere

And yes, I  hate them

Very, very much

I don’t understand the point of these

None of my friends have them on their cars because they’re fucking normal so I can’t ask them

Do any of YOU guys have them?

I promise not to give you shit if you can explain the purpose of them to me

‘Cause I do not, for the life of me, understand WHY you would put stickers on the back of your car to indicate how many kids / dogs / husbands you have

Maybe I’m being a bit Judgy McJudgston over here (how unusual)

But they just come across as really stupid

And then you see people who are all, well I WANT stick family stickers on my car too

But mine are going to be cool ones!

No they’re NOT

Just fucking STOP it

Really….who gives a fuck?

Not me

I don’t give a shit how many people you popped out your vag

Or how many pets you have

Cars are for driving

Not for talking on phone

Not for eating your meals in

Or doing your make up

And not NOT NOT for showing the car behind you a 2D drawing (that a 3 year could do better) of whoever the fuck has the same last name as you 

I realise it’s a bit tragic just how irritated these make me

I hope they’re a fad that dies a sudden death and never gets repeated

Unlike fluro leg warmers and side ponytails

Which, it turns out, are even MORE fab the second time around

Especially for soccer mums / comedians / opinionated moles like myself


And no, you can’t see a photo of me right now