Category Archives: random crap

random brain farts

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OK, so I decided to do a blog

Then sat here & thought…

About umm…

And then….well

Hmm….

Fuck all really

My mind is all over the shop

So maybe I should just post in bullet form

To appease the ADD I seem to be afflicted with today

Cool?

Good….thankyouverymuch


  • Cheerleading. I was more than a little gutted when both my girls decided that this was THE only sport they wanted to partake in. Every week that I take them to class, I die a little inside. And the other mothers, oh yeah….we’re SO ALIKE. Fuck those women are hard work. They yell at their kids, screaming out their moves and telling them when to kick, jump, yell ‘yay team’. It does my head in. On a positive note, Macaroni & Magoo totally suck at it. Here’s hoping they get asked ‘in a *gentle, PC way, to maybe take break & take up chess, or lawn bowls. (*back when I was a kid and went to violin lessons with my brother, I was told, after one class, not to come back as I had the rhythm of an epileptic goat. And ballet classes…at least I lasted 3 classes before being told to leave & find a more appropriate sport/hobby. Like wrestling.
  • Diamond & I are going for a quick trip away next month. We are currently *debating (*he’s being a stubborn prick, and I’m not going unless I get my way) over what activities to book for our holiday. His picks: bone fishing, deep sea fishing, fly fishing (are you seeing the theme here?) or light tackle fishing. My picks: reading, sleeping, massages, lots of drinks with umbrellas in them. I’m sure there’s a compromise in there somewhere. Or I’m going without him
  • Clean out. I have come to the conclusion that I may have been a hoarder. 3 couches, 2 TVs, 1 bed, 13 garbage bags of clothes, 15 boxes of crap and God knows what else, have been ditched or donated in the last week. Do I feel better? No. I feel like shopping
  • Chocolate. Chocolate is my friend. Forever
  • I check the mail box every day. Still no necklace from Oprah. Maybe she’ll deliver it personally? Note to self: don’t eat all the chocolate, you may be having visitors
  • It’s day 10 of the new year, and so far, I have not broken ONE of my resolutions. I’ve discovered that that’s a piece of piss to do when you don’t make any. Yay me.
  • Mum & Dad will be here in 2 weeks. They’re babysitting while Diamond & I are away. This makes me nervous. Mum, I know from experience, will be fine. Dad, well…we might have to get him his own babysitter. That provides hooch & booze.
  • The Xbox Kinect is getting an absolute thrashing at our place and was definitely the winning pressie this Christmas. Diamond loves the handgliding, Macaroni is a bit of a jet at the volleyball, Magoo is fucking scary at boxing. And I’m on the bench due to an injury. I broke a nail getting the snacks yesterday.
  • 75 sleeps ’til my birthday. I want a new bum. Preferably like Jennifer Anniston’s. Back when she was in ‘Friends’
  • If David Beckham keeps wearing his hair like this, Posh can have him. Plus, she’s knocked up again. And I find the thought of his penis poking her skeletal vajay-jay, quite the turn off
  • I watched Jersey Shore for the first time yesterday. I liked it. This is proof that I need to get back to work. STAT.
  • 347 days till Christmas.

That is all.


U-505

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The Submarine that I told you about in this blog post

Was a German U-505

It is the only German Sub in the entire U.S.

That kind of doesn’t really seem like a big deal to me though

Why would there be an abundance of GERMAN Subs in America?

Anyhoo

The Museum of Science & Industry has it on display

Here’s a great time lapse video of how they painstakingly got it there

You can go and look at the whole exhibit

And, if you want to, you can buy a ticket to actually go on board the sub

Now, there were about 12 people

5 of which were kids

On the tour we went on

And that boat was C-R-O-W-D-E-D!

The guide told us that when it was operational

It was home to 59 crew

FIFTY-NINE!

And THEN, he tells us that the sailors would shower before getting on board

Then head off on a mission

And not take another shower until they got off

Usually more that ONE HUNDRED days later

Helloooo dick cheese!

In another bid to ignore all semblance of personal hygiene

On board they have what they referred to as ‘HOT RACKS’

Racks being their bunk beds

They were called HOT because there was always someone in them

The crew would rotate in 3 x 8 hours shifts

So when one bloke got up and out of his bunk

Another would fall right into it

It would still be warm from the previous fella

Eeewww

Can you imagine the gooey-jizz-dribble-stained sheets they were sleeping on?

‘Cause I’m pretty sure if they didn’t have showers on board

They didn’t have a laundry

No wonder they called those things PIG BOATS

But seriously

This particular boat has a fascinating story

I bought a great book about it

And have been boring the girls with it at bedtime

And I may even have told them that there were princesses in it so they would listen to me

What?

A white lie at the most peeps

Maybe it’s because my Pop’s brother was on the HMAS Sydney

It’s got me interested

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But I find these pieces of history so intriguing

You can read a great run down of this sub’s history HERE

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Don’t worry though

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I still enjoy a good fart joke

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AND flower pictures

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AND laughing at other people’s misfortune

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I’m just an all round shiny example of cultural diversity aren’t I?


randomness & snot

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The last week has been a bit of a blur

A good blur

But blurry none the less

I’m writing this from my hotel room in Darwin

I start the 1st of 5 Northern Territory shows with Dad tonight

4 out of the 5 gigs are at places I’ve never been to

So I’m totally hanging out to offend some new people with my fuck songs excited for those shows

Once I’m a bit more back on deck, & the antibiotics kick in

Nothing major, just another dose of the clap throat/sinus infection

The usual shit

I feel OK, just a bit ripped off that none of it is sexually transmitted

But when I catch up a bit more on my sleep etc, I’ll post some more detailed blogs from the trip so far

You know, like what I wore, how many times I went to the toilet each day

The important stuff

Anyhoo

Wanted to post some random pics in the meantime

Let’s start with the Geraldton show

The drive there started off full of piss & vinegar

But mainly piss

And somo sight seeing stops too

These were too big to steal take home in my purse

But I would totally have bought these if they were salt & pepper shakers

Who wouldn’t want two little roos sniffing eachother’s bums sitting on their dinner table every night?

It’s finds like these that remind me what an awesome interior decorator I wouldn’t would have made

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Next night was the Perth show at the Pig & Whistle

Dad came along to drink the bar dry watch

And was reasonably well behaved

If you don’t count the 15 sets of tits he signed

But I think I may have outdone him

Take THAT Dad!

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It was after this show that Heiny & I took our pussy pill

And decided to fly to the rest of the shows

I’m pretty sure that the large amount of vitamin C

And lack of vitamin ‘W’

Was contributing to my knackered-ness

I am working on rectifying this imbalance by glueing a wine glass to my right hand

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Next stop was my hometown of Kalgoorlie

Where I went right back to where it all began

Accident and emegency

I’ll let you work out which one I was

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This is a statue of Paddy Hannan

It seems a lot different since they cleaned the graffiti I wrote on it smaller than when I was a kid

This has nothing to do with the fact that I wear size buffalo I’m bigger

It was good to see Kalgoorlie again

It’s the place where all my memories begin

And I’ll blog more about that when I can fucking remember them

Then it was back on a plane with Heiny

To head off to Darwin to meet up with Ma & Pa

After a quick stopover in Perth

Where I met Julian Clary at the airport

I’ve always been a fan of his and I felt like a total dork asking him for a photo

He is, I’m happy to report, a very tall top bloke

And I’m pretty sure he wanted me

You know, as much as a raging pommy poof can want a hetro hairy sheila

And he even tweeted about me afterwards

And then I, of course, cracked a moisty

LOVE HIM!

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Then it was a quick stop again in Alice Springs

I booked my flights myself, so I have no one else to blame for the milk run I found myself on

Mum & Dad however, were on a direct flight

AAAANNND, my brother was the pilot

So it WAS probably for the best that I wasn’t on THAT flight

‘Cause you know how they don’t let the WHOLE Royal Family fly together

In case the plane goes down?

Well, that’s how it is with our family

We’d need one of us alive to carry on the family tradition

Of  saying fuck for a living cultural enrichment for the masses

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Mum picked me up at the airport in Darwin & we headed straight to our favourite restaurant

On the planet

CHRISTO’S

I’ve got some great pics of the awesome location

And even better food

This is not one of them

I was more about the eatin’ than the pic takin’, you know?

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To be continued…