You’ll need to order in the next 24 hours to make sure we get it out to you in time

All orders received by December 15th will arrive by Christmas!

Recorded live in South Africa

(track listing)

NICE GIRLS
FUCK FOR A LIVING
HEY MUM
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN
CHOCOLATE’S BETTER THAN SEX
WAX ON (WAX OFF)
DÉJÀ VU
BILLY THE KID
CAMEL TOE
BASTARD
10 THINGS
*bonus track*
WAIT

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After the Melbourne shows were done

I was lucky enough to be able to squeeze in a quick trip (1 day) in Perth before I headed back to Chicago

I got to see my brother and his family, my girlfriends

But the main purpose, was to see Nan & Pop

Pop’s is living in the nursing home now with Nanna

My Aunty and cousin had decorated their room for them

Nanna has always loved Christmas. She always wears festive clothes, Christmasssy jewelry and this year is no exception

She was showing me her new Christmas outfit and jewelry

I loved looking around their room and recognising some of their ornaments from when I was a kid, spending Christmas at their house

Nanna didn’t have her teeth in, and Pop wouldn’t put his pants on

So yeah, no photos of them

You’re welcome

I cried when I said goodbye – I always do

But I know how lucky I am, to have grandparents who are both in their nineties

That remember me, can have a great chat with me, and even joke with me

And getting to hug them both hard – and tell them just how much I love them

Has already made this the best Christmas

I let my brother do all the dirty work

Whether it’s for you, or someone you love enough to give the gift of fuck songs

It’ll be signed, and arrive in time to stick under the tree

The idea of people waking up Christmas morning and opening their pressies – and seeing my mug and monster jugs

Makes me happy!

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I would call you a fucking liar doubt that very, very much

Because this Thanksgiving (for all my U.S. mates) I am so fucking thankful

THAT MY DVD, WHO DARES GRINS,  IS HERE

That’s right, it’s available NOW!

You can order it as of right. This. Minute.

And you’ll get it in time for Christmas

AND it’ll be autographed

Imma lose my shit over here….probably the best day EVER

Well, except for my wedding, and the day I had a shocking stomach ache, but turned out to be pregnant

You get the idea. I should have known it was going to be a shit hot day, when the lady in front of me in the drive thru at Starbucks, paid for MY coffee. How nice is that?
So I paid it forward and paid for the dude’s coffee in the car behind me. Then he followed me home ’cause he thought I was hitting on him

Orders will start shipping MONDAY – so if you’re in the UK, NEW ZEALAND, SOUTH AFRICA, or somewhere other than the U.S. or Australia – get in ASAP to make sure you get it in time for Chrissy.

AND, the first 50 orders will receive a SIGNED POSTER

I think everybody on my Christmas list can be pretty sure what they’re getting from ME this year!

AUSTRALIANS & KIWIS can ORDER YOURS NOW

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Fiona now lives here in New Zealand and runs a very successful novelty cookies & cake company

She made these hip Simpson cookies on a stick, for Macaroni & Magoo

That I’m not sure if I’m allowed to take these back into the U.S.

So I should probably eat them, just to be on the safe side

She also brought this with her

A cake of ME – that she made from scratch, less than an hour before she came to meet me

I’m like, dude – that shit would take me all day to make

WITH a packet mix

4 glasses of wine

And it STILL wouldn’t be edible

She said the chocolate cake filling is low fat

But the icing will get you a year stint at Jenny Craig

Bet you’ll never guess what I’m having for brekky?

If you live in the Tauranga area,  and you like delicious homemade yummies – go to Funky Cookies & Cakes

(She also couriers her fabbo treats anywhere in the North Island of NZ)

You do it by pressing your nose and forehead (at the same time) to another person’s

It’s used at traditional meetings among Māori people and on major ceremonies

A hongi is kind of like a formal handshake in modern western culture

And sometimes you do a hongi and a handshake together

In the hongi the ha, or breath of life, is exchanged and intermingled

This is Dad with one of our security boys here in NZ, Malcolm

It’s pretty special, when one of the locals choose to greet or say goodbye to you with a hongi

More proof that the Kiwis sure do love Dad

I think I should totally leave him here

As a gift, for the people

You can thank me later MUM New Zealand

That my necklace from Oprah has finally arrived

(read about it here)

I’m so excited that this will be waiting for me when I get home

But not as excited as I am that Diamond FINALLY knows how to send a text

….WITH PICTURES!

This could get him arrested be dangerous

H-y-po-t-h-e-t-i-c-a-l-ly, of course

And say you were a ‘wine lover’, who was also having a hypothetical birthday this month

And you had this amazing, fabulous, hypothetical husband

Who was REALLY good at making stuff and building things

And look kinda hot in a tool belt

What could the hypothetical husband POSSIBLY get his hypothetical wine loving birthday girl for her special day?

Hmmm….maybe he could, oh I don’t know….. MAKE her something?

Build her something original

Spectacular even!

I wish I had a hypothetical husband that read my blog.

As much as I love the shit out of Christmas & everything that goes with it

I’m kinda glad it’s over

Time to get back to normal ’round here

Whatever THAT is

We MADE ornaments

We MADE reindeer food

And MADE a bit of a mess doing it

Then the girls MADE me look like mother-of-the-year

When they MADE me let them go outside in their nighties Christmas eve to sprinkle the reindeer food all over the front yard

Then we MADE cookies & cupcakes for Santa

And MADE ourselves more than a little sick eating them

Once the big day arrived, we MADE out like bandits from Santa

I think Toys R Us threw up in our living room

Then we MADE ourselves dizzy from playing non-stop XBox Kinect ALL Christmas day

So we MADE it

Barely