So I went on my little adventure – it wasn’t quite 24 hours, but this will be longer than the average post. I might even throw in someWHOLE PARAGRAPHS! I am such a grownup
As some of you guessed correctly, I went to Bush Babes place on Monday
She’s my internet blogging bud
Who I’d only met briefly before
So I was most excited to get to see her piece of paradise here in Queensland
BB’s cattle ranch kinda makes ‘butt fuck Idaho’ seem like it’s just down the road
But once I dropped Mum & Dad off in Bundy
I headed off solo
Kind of excited to have a bit of road trip on my own and not have to listen to Mum & Dad trying (& succeeding) to gross me out by talking about old people sex
BB had given me detailed directions, and a meeting point
Game on
I knew I was getting close when the bitumen roads ran out, I was dodging more than kangaroos
And I was driving on the red dirt
Did you ever see a road sign that says, ‘DIP’?
I’ve seen them before, but I never knew what that meant ’til yesterday
It’s a warning that your hire car is about to get AIR
Who knew minivans could fly..??
I arrived at our meeting point totally early
And waited for BB
And because I have the patience of a 2 year old
After 10 minutes, I was SURE she wasn’t going to show up
So I re-read her directions
Which also told me where her kid’s school was – which was much closer to her place
So I headed there
Found it fine
Now what?
I couldn’t ring her and tell her where I was
There’s no mobile service ANYWHERE around there
What’s that you say? Why would I drive somewhere where she had NO IDEA I was going to be – AND after I’d been repeatedly warned about no mobile coverage..??
Blah blah, fuck off not listening
So I saw two blokes digging a hole in front of a little house – and decided to ask directions. That’s the plus side of living in the bush – everyone knows where everyone else is at….luckily for me!
After they had a chuckle to themselves about my fucktardness a lot of instructions, like: finger pointing, over thatta ways, cross the little creek – not the big one, and just follow your nose – I was off on my merry way again
Old mate had told me I was about 30kms from BB’s house. After I’d been driving for about 40kms, I thought I might be lost. I’ve always been a bit of a math whizz
Turns out I was lost
Go me
Fortunately my training in outback survival (the Crocodile Hunter & Swiss Family Robinson reruns) made me not worry too much
Plus I still had a bottle of Sprite & half a packet of fruit tingles to my name. I could last for DAYS!
I came to a sign, that just confused me more. After a quick eeny-meeny-miny-moe – I picked a direction
Yes, OF COURSE it was the wrong one…duh
And in my continued quest to drive further and further away from where I was SUPPOSED to be fucking headed – I came to this bridge. That scared the bejeezus out of me. I was shitting myself about driving over it. It was so narrow. What if I got the shakes and my wobbly wheel hands failed me, and I went over? If I drowned out here I would be SO embarrassed.
So I did what any spaz that has watched too much Nightline would do – I rolled down all my windows and undid my seatbelt, just in case I needed to escape once the car plunged into the drink. That’s called planning ahead people.
I made it over – but not before promising myself that if I had to drive BACK over this bridge – the hire car was getting abandoned, and I was going to fucking swim
After the bridge, as I was contemplating pulling over to change my undies, my phone beeped. OMG you guys, I’d found a patch of ‘no where’, where my PHONE WORKED….huzzah! I could make a call, AND change knickers – things were looking UP!
So I pulled over and called BB’s house. Luckily her (no doubt laughing at my blonde-citiness) husband was home – and gave me NEW directions – THAT I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO. Realising that you’re not actually traveling with a spare set of knickers will do that to a girl
Aaaannnd I got there! 2 hours after I was SUPPOSED to be there
BB’s gorgeous (6 yr old) daughter had set up my room for me. She wanted it to look just like a hotel. She’d picked flowers and even put scissors with my soap for easy opening. What hotel does that?
We had a fabulous home cooked meal accompanied by wine and lots of laughs
I didn’t need much rocking’ by bed time
Woke up bright & early this morning, greeted at the front steps, by this little cutie
Her name is Bay Leaf – and she just lost her Mum. She’s only a week old, so BB & her family are giving her lots of TLC to make sure she’s OK. I was on breastfeeding duty this morning. And by breastfeeding, I mean out of a BIG ol’ bottle. I decided that the teet on that thing looks like a midgets vibrator. Not that I’ve ever SEEN a midget’s vibrator.
Then BB took me for a drive around their property. It was absolutely breathtaking – such a jaw dropping part of the Aussie landscape. It really is like their own piece of paradise – and I love how much they love where they are.
We stopped by the boys who were working the cattle. ‘Working’ means I can’t remember the proper name for what they were doing. But it did involve putting their arms up cows bums to see if they were pregnant. It was easier to watch knowing they were using gloves. And lube.
If they WERE pregnant, they got sent one way. If they WEREN’T, they went the other way. The ‘other’ way was where a big horny bull was waiting for them. Those cows have the life, I tell ya
We headed back to the ranch, where BB fed me again, gave me my very own coffee travel mug (she must have seen the coffee splatters on all the inside of the car. Country roads and McDonald’s take away cups are a messy combo) then sent me on my way – but not before making me PROMISE to call her as soon as I arrived in Bundy safely. Can’t imagine why *ahem*
There is nothing that comes close to the awesomeness of country hospitality. Thanks so much BB – next time I’m bringing the family.
I’ve already started a ‘to bring with me’ list
Gum boots
Life jacket
More fruit tingles
Flowers for the girl cows
A bib for Bay Leaf
More wine (cause I think we drank all yours)
And a fucking GPS!!
* CLICK HERE for Bush Babe’s blog version of my visit. (it’s just like mine, but without the crappy photos, swearing and spelling mistakes)
