Equals one inconsolable six year old

Fuck

R.I.P. Buddy

I have no idea how Santa got this mammoth thing into our house

But I do know Diamond has put his back out and owes his Dad more than a few beers

This thing is like a happening little ecosystem, with new things popping up and growing from the live rock every day

Macaroni’s first order of business was to name all the inhabitants of the tank

According to the accompanying letter from Santa, she had 2 clown fish from Australia, a fire fish, cleaner shrimp, 2 really fast yellow ones and a very cool little purple long one that I can’t remember what they were called comes out very rarely – a dozen little crabs and some snails

She settled on Sara & Lara, for the yellow ones. Angel for the angel fish. Dancer for the shy one, Herbert for the shrimp.

And the 2 from Australia? Boomerang and Cherry Ripe

I’m not big on fish and the bucketload of work that goes into maintaining a saltwater tank – but Diamond is the man. Having wanted a saltwater tank since we first moved into our house, he’s a very happy boy

He and Macaroni have spent the last few days reading their ‘how to’ books on saltwater fish and visiting the local aquarium shops to get all the bits and bobs they need

Meanwhile I have been playing and hanging out with Magoo and her new Hamster

Like fuck I have

We’d been told earlier, that this area of land

Has the HIGHEST population (per square km) of reptiles

Yes, SNAKES and lizards ‘n shit

But mainly SNAKES

SNAKES that bite

Scaley fuckers that can KILL you

SSSNAAKES!!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, so where I am, right now

And where I’m sleeping tonight

Is home to more fucking snakes than ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD

The fuck?

How come no one tells you this shit BEFORE you agree to the show

And then I see these dog-poo-picker-upper things each side of the stage

And assumed maybe they were for the dingo’s poo

‘Cause there’s bucket loads of those buggers out here too

But no, they’re there to pick up SNAKES

And put them in this

And no, I did NOT lift the lid to see if there was any in there

How could you even THINK that?

Gah, what is WRONG with you guys???

It’s like you WANT me to die.

(heading to Australia for the Melbourne shows with Dad)

I took the pics to show myself just how ridiculous it is

To be going on the shortest trip I’ve been on all year

With as much luggage as I had when the whole family went to Oz in July

But it’s Christmas!

I wanted to bring MORE

The photos were also to show the Qantas folks WHAT my luggage LOOKS like

Just in case they ‘happen’ to lose my shit

Again

It didn’t take long to forget about the bags

And look at that puppy with the sad face

He doesn’t like it when the suitcases come out

He misses me when I go away

Right back atchya Fluffinator

Right back atchya.

Fluffy barks a lot

We have great neighbours who don’t complain. But seriously, the Fluffinator’s barking is ridonkulous

I yell at him. Diamond yells at him. Macaroni’s even started yelling at him

Then Magoo yells at all of us, for yelling at him

It’s just something that Great Pyrenees dogs do. We knew that when we got him. Especially at sunrise and sunset. Words cannot explain just how NOT fucking awesome it is, to have a 130 pound fur ball of booming bark-ness be your alarm clock. Before the FUCKING sun. Every FUCKING day.

We thought we could train it out of him. God how we’ve tried. And failed.

The older he gets – he just turned 3 – the more he’s barking. It’s like he’s so big now, he looks at us like, “what cha gonna do about it?” (I always imagine Fluff having the canine equivalent of a Tony Soprano accent)

And it’s driving us fucking mental

So today, I give you, the face of a dog that has just been fitted for his first bark collar

(he’s wearing it, but you just can’t see it under all that FUR)

Is it not THE best sulky face you’ve ever seen?

He’s not mad. He’s just got himself a big ol’ case of PMS right now

Barking makes him feel like a HE-MAN

He has the deepest, loudest bark on our street

Fluffy was, until today, boss-cocky of the big bark club

Can dogs have an identity crisis?

In an effort to try and cheer him up, Magoo stuck a bow on him

A pink bow

It was a nice thought – but I’m not sure  that it’s really helping him with his image issues

“…….WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!”

As some of you guessed correctly, I went to Bush Babes place on Monday

She’s my internet blogging bud

Who I’d only met briefly before

So I was most excited to get to see her piece of paradise here in Queensland

BB’s cattle ranch kinda makes ‘butt fuck Idaho’ seem like it’s just down the road

But once I dropped Mum & Dad off in Bundy

I headed off solo

Kind of excited to have a bit of road trip on my own and not have to listen to Mum & Dad trying (& succeeding) to gross me out by talking about old people sex

BB had given me detailed directions, and a meeting point

Game on

I knew I was getting close when the bitumen roads ran out, I was dodging more than kangaroos

And I was driving on the red dirt

Did you ever see a road sign that says, ‘DIP’?

I’ve seen them before, but I never knew what that meant ’til yesterday

It’s a warning that your hire car is about to get AIR

Who knew minivans could fly..??

I arrived at our meeting point totally early

And waited for BB

And because I have the patience of a 2 year old

After 10 minutes, I was SURE she wasn’t going to show up

So I re-read her directions

Which also told me where her kid’s school was – which was much closer to her place

So I headed there

Found it fine

Now what?

I couldn’t ring her and tell her where I was

There’s no mobile service ANYWHERE around there

What’s that you say? Why would I drive somewhere where she had NO IDEA I was going to be – AND after I’d been repeatedly warned about no mobile coverage..??

Blah blah, fuck off not listening

So I saw two blokes digging a hole in front of a little house – and decided to ask directions. That’s the plus side of living in the bush – everyone knows where everyone else is at….luckily for me!

After they had a chuckle to themselves about my fucktardness a lot of instructions, like: finger pointing,  over thatta ways, cross the little creek – not the big one, and just follow your nose – I was off on my merry way again

Old mate had told me I was about 30kms from BB’s house. After I’d been driving for about 40kms, I thought I might be lost. I’ve always been a bit of a math whizz

Turns out I was lost

Go me

Fortunately my training in outback survival (the Crocodile Hunter & Swiss Family Robinson reruns) made me not worry too much

Plus I still had a bottle of Sprite & half a packet of fruit tingles to my name. I could last for DAYS!

I came to a sign, that just confused me more. After a quick eeny-meeny-miny-moe – I picked a direction

Yes, OF COURSE it was the wrong one…duh

And in my continued quest to drive further and further away from where I was SUPPOSED to be fucking headed – I came to this bridge. That scared the bejeezus out of me. I was shitting myself about driving over it. It was so narrow. What if I got the shakes and my wobbly wheel hands failed me, and I went over? If I drowned out here I would be SO embarrassed.

So I did what any spaz that has watched too much Nightline would do –  I rolled down all my windows and undid my seatbelt, just in case I needed to escape once the car plunged into the drink. That’s called planning ahead people.

I made it over – but not before promising myself that if I had to drive BACK over this bridge – the hire car was getting abandoned, and I was going to fucking swim

After the bridge, as I was contemplating pulling over to change my undies, my phone beeped. OMG you guys, I’d found a patch of ‘no where’, where my PHONE WORKED….huzzah! I could make a call, AND change knickers – things were looking UP!

So I pulled over and called BB’s house. Luckily her (no doubt laughing at my blonde-citiness) husband was home – and gave me NEW directions – THAT I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO. Realising that you’re not actually traveling with a spare set of knickers will do that to a girl

Aaaannnd I got there! 2 hours after I was SUPPOSED to be there

BB’s gorgeous (6 yr old) daughter had set up my room for me. She wanted it to look just like a hotel. She’d picked flowers and even put scissors with my soap for easy opening. What hotel does that?

We had a fabulous home cooked meal accompanied by wine and lots of laughs

I didn’t need much rocking’ by bed time

Woke up bright & early this morning, greeted at the front steps, by this little cutie

Her name is Bay Leaf – and she just lost her Mum. She’s only a week old, so BB & her family are giving her lots of TLC to make sure she’s OK. I was on breastfeeding duty this morning. And by breastfeeding, I mean out of a BIG ol’ bottle. I decided that the teet on that thing looks like a midgets vibrator. Not that I’ve ever SEEN a midget’s vibrator.

Then BB took me for a drive around their property. It was absolutely breathtaking – such a jaw dropping part of the Aussie landscape. It really is like their own piece of paradise – and I love how much they love where they are.

We stopped by the boys who were working the cattle. ‘Working’ means I can’t remember the proper name for what they were doing. But it did involve putting their arms up cows bums to see if they were pregnant. It was easier to watch knowing they were using gloves. And lube.

If they WERE pregnant, they got sent one way. If they WEREN’T, they went the other way. The ‘other’ way was where a big horny bull was waiting for them. Those cows have the life, I tell ya

We headed back to the ranch, where BB fed me again, gave me my very own coffee travel mug (she must have seen the coffee splatters on all the inside of the car. Country roads and McDonald’s take away cups are a messy combo) then sent me on my way – but not before making me PROMISE to call her as soon as I arrived in Bundy safely. Can’t imagine why *ahem*

There is nothing that comes close to the awesomeness of country hospitality. Thanks so much BB – next time I’m bringing the family.

I’ve already started a ‘to bring with me’ list

Gum boots

Life jacket

More fruit tingles

Flowers for the girl cows

A bib for Bay Leaf

More wine (cause I think we drank all yours)

And a fucking GPS!!

* CLICK HERE for Bush Babe’s blog version of my visit. (it’s just like mine, but without the crappy photos, swearing and spelling mistakes)

And he’ll be kicking of the day’s party proceedings

By licking himself in places most blokes can only dream about

Because he can

On my lonesome

A Thelma without her Louise

With no GPS

No mobile phone

No sleep

I would be nervous

Except I AM traveling with a case of wine

So don’t you be worrying about me

Imma gonna be just fine thankyouverymuch

I’ll tell you more about it a little bit later

In the meantime, here’s a couple of clues

And no, I’m not going out for steak

And you KNOW I won’t be going horse riding again!

Hmmmm….

*awesome pics from the fab photog Bush Babe <<– big ol’ clue right thar

Although I can’t work out if it’s kinda cruel to the dog or not

He seems OK

Fuck it

I’m signing Fluffy and I up for salsa lessons anyway

They loved it

La-la-la-lurved it!

And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy

I decided to use that love to my advantage

I made a chart

And promised the girls another day of horse riding

If their chart was filled with only ticks

From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness

They said no worries

As long as “I” went horse riding with them

I said sure

I was probably drunk at the time

I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined

But why the fuck not, hey?

Why the fuck not, indeed

Check me out

I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant

With an unwaxed vajay-jay

Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was

If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg

My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton

I called him Dot Bum

He was a sweety

And I tried to love it

But it just wasn’t my favourite

It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park

(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)

Plus he kept walking me under trees

Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage

So apparently the love wasn’t mutual

At least I won’t ever have to do it again

Ever

I know this because…

Although I’d been around horses before

Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse

Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse

I was scratching like a mofo

And had hives

HIVES I say!!

I’m allergic to fucking horses

I had hives everywhere

I wish I was joking

Every-fucking-where!

Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!

No, you can’t see that pic.