I get asked a lot about WHO is out on the road when we’re touring

For the most part, it’s the same crew

When we work in different countries, we add locals to the tour

There’s ANNE in the UK

And IAN in New Zealand etc..

For longer tours, there’s usually a few more people on the road with us to keep us out of jail and help out

But for the most part, it’s the same core group of people each tour

So, for those of you who DON’T know the crew

I thought I’d introduce them to you!

Because I’m fucking lovely

OK

Firstly there’s Braden

Who likes to be called by his superhero name, SUPERSONIC MOOSE

SUPERSONIC MOOSE hails from New Zealand & takes care of all the sound for the shows

Lots of buttons & knob pulling really

But his first love is really costume design

And he hopes to one day work with the AUCKLAND MIDGET CIRCUS

As their chief curtain creator & g-string fitter

GOOOOO SUPERSONIC MOOSE!

The next member is also from New Zealand

He was shipped there in a Taiwanese basket from an orphanage in Instanbul

Where he was raised by nuns and called Darryn

Once he arrived in New Zealand he insisted on being addressed as his alter-ego, BURSTING MONKEY

BURSTING MONKEY is in charge of all the lighting requirements for the show

His love of LSD and all things flashing, make him a natural at it

He hopes to one day open his own lighting business

Specialising in chandeliers, lanterns & glo-sticks

BURSTING MONKEY….we couldn’t do it without you!

Now I’d like to introduce you to the NOCTURNAL INVADER

There was a time he was simply known as Hollywood

But he is internationally recognised these days as the NOCTURNAL INVADER

The NOCTURNAL INVADER is the tour manager

His position is vital to an efficient tour being a smooth operation

Specifically, making sure the toilet paper backstage is ALWAYS 3 ply

The straws are the BENDY kind

The colour of the rental cars can ONLY be FOREST GREEN (or pacific blue if there’s no other choice)

And perhaps the most critical part of every tour

That the dressing rooms always have ample supply of clear nail polish and stuffed olives

The NOCTURNAL INVADER hopes to retire one day to a commune on the beach

Where there’s daily co-ed limbo competitions & unlimited internet

Now I know most of you are aware of my Mum, Betty

But did you know, out here on the road, she goes by her stage name, KITTY GLITTER?

KITTY GLITTER’S role out here is vital too

Not only does she load in all the equipment from the truck (by herself)

She also does the crew’s makeup and astrological charts

Her dream is to one day be the sweatband/towel holder for the Bay City Rollers reunion tour

But for now, we love her weekly poetry readings from the Kama Sutra

And last, but by NO MEANS least is MOHAMMED AKHMAL LICKAMYARSE

He officially had his name changed from Kev after receiving a copy of the Koran

At a Muslim bikie festival in Kentucky last year

The big wheel in our entertainment extravaganza

Without him, there would be no nude sunbathing

No home-cooked hash cookies

Imagine a world without syncronised swimming classes and free genital waxing

That would be OUR world without MOHAMMED

No. Thank. You

So that is our crew

Make sure to say hi the next time you’re at a show

Or run into them at your local library or AA meeting

And use their ALIAS or SUPERHERO names too

They LOVE that shit

PS – MY other name is HUMMUGUSBOTTOM RUNNY POO STINK FINGER

But you can just call me JENNY

So I get home from the gig last night

I was hungry

Put my PJs on

Still hungry

Skype Diamond and the girls

Really hungry

Decided to peruse through my delicious range of healthy snacks that I’ve been traveling with on this trip

And by delicious, I mean, tasteless, cardboard crap

I opened by bag of barely edible munchies

And had decided to go with a bowl of cereal

Who wouldn’t want a serving of fibre and nuts instead of a Snickers from the mini bar?

And there, in my bag o’ hell was this

OK, not THAT actual cockroach

But a fucking cockroach non-the-less

Now I know, I’m a Kalgoorlie girl

And am tough as shit

(barefoot for the first 5 years of my life

And knocking out the teeth of a 2nd grader when I was in preschool)

The above is probably bullshit

But it’s how I choose to remember it

But Kalgoorlie kid or not, I totally shat myself

You think I’m kidding?

.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, a FUCKING COCKROACH IN MY FOOD SUPPLY

It’s like the universe WANTS me to bury my head in the chocolate covered delights of my hotel room fridge

It’s obvious the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck that I will be vactioning with small children soon

With a swim suit on

Hear that universe?

These children will be scarred for life – permanently curled up in the fetal position

‘Cause you, in all your universe-y wisdom-y, put a God Dam insect in my shit!

.

And in other news – this whole dying a slow death healthy eating, exercising daily bullshit, may just be starting to work

How do I know this?

Because my socks were a little loose on me this morning

I think it’s because they might actually be Dad’s socks, that got mixed up with mine in the laundry

But fuck it, a win’s a win

Me and my skinny feet are taking it!

.

So I totally freak the fuck out about the cockroach

I think it was because it was late

And kinda dark

And I put my hand in the bag and felt something touch it

Not that I don’t enjoy the odd carressing & fondling

But not by a fucking roach thankyouverymcuh!

.

In my freaked out state I went to bed

After I zipped up my food bag and stuck it in the corner

And had nightmares about cockroaches

All night

Cockroaches, cockroaches, COCKSUCKINGROACHES

They were EVERYWHERE

I woke up this morning the total OPPOSITE of refreshed

But I was ready to take on the beast

I was so brave

I opened up the bag slowly

And couldn’t see it

So I gave the bag a bit of a shake

And still couldn’t see it

Oh, look! There it is!

Dude, that thing was soooo much bigger last night

Like, a hundred bazillion times bigger

There are about 4,500 species of cockroach, apparently the smallest kind was my new visitor

Did you know that cockroaches have been known to live up to three months without food and a month without water?

Me either – thanks Google

So if this little fucker can go so long without food, why is he all up in my business?

I can barely go 60 minutes without food and he wants me to SHARE?

I’ll fucking share you

I should eat you

Which is what I told everyone on Twitter that I did last night

And ummm….I pretty sure most of you believed me

Thanks for THAT peeps

But being the responsible eater I’m so fucking not trying to be

I thought I’d at least suss out the calorie content of the average cockroach

The closest thing I could find is that they have about the same amount of calories as shrimp

Really?

Who works this shit OUT?

Hi, my name is Mr Dorky-Fuck-Face, & I’m a cockroach calorie consultant

It said that they carry bacteria and can make you sick

It didn’t mention that they can also make you shit your pants and have nightmares

Another useless tidbit for you: earthworms are higher in protein than steak

You’re welcome

Anyhoo

I didn’t even bother letting the guest-from-hell out so I could kill it

I left it in the bag, next to the bin in my room

With a note for housekeeping

“Please feel free to keep this bag & help yourself to the contents

It’s all lovely, lowfat food. Except for the cockroach.

He is lowfat but he’s not lovely.

He’s an arsehole”