I’ve been laughing my arse off at a lot of them

My faves are this one and this one

Then my mate Marty suggested I give it a go so you can blame her for this

It didn’t take me long to figure out who would be saying the ‘shit’ in my vid

And before the bogans of the world get all spewy with me for taking the piss

Remember, I’m from Kalgoorlie

Where bogans were  INVENTED

Or don’t

I just wanted sufficient documentation

Proof, if you like

That the Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gilliard, is a hussy

You see, U.S. President, Barack Obama, just did a whirlwind visit to Oz

And in that time

Our chief Fanta Pants, could not stay away from the poor dude

Like, followed his arse EVA-REE-WHERE

Giving him her best “yes big boy….the curtains DO match the carpet…let me show you” look

Trying to stick her tongue in his ear at every opportunity

I mean, the dude’s married to one of the hottest black women on the planet

With a set of biceps that would mangle old mango mutt up in a minute

No ranga, not even a powerful stupid one could stand a chance

I mean, Bazza’s kinda handsome and all

But geez Jules, you’ve got a hairdresser who the whole world knows is a raging poof fella of your own at home

You can’t have everything you want you know

You already fucked one powerful man

I think that might be enough now

Not that you’re going to listen to a voice of reason

Apparently once you’ve dreamed of having had Barack…you can’t go back

Slut.

Always have

If you’ve read Dad’s book

You’d know that many years ago, when we (as a family) left Kalgoorlie

We were headed to Queensland

Specifically Cairns

Mum & Dad loved the place, and thought it’d be a great place to raise me & my brother

We got as far as Perth – to say goodbye to Mum’s family

Dad picked up some work

Actually, Dad picked up A LOT of work

And we never left

But every time I come to Queensland, I wonder if my life would have been much different if I’d grown up here

I don’t think so. The people here are equally as fun and fab as my WA peeps

And they’re on the same page too

The sold out crowds we’ve played to on this tour would attest to that

Easily our most successful Queensland tour ever

And the drives from gig to gig weren’t too shabby either

Queensland has some of the most spectacular scenery in all of Australia

Not that you can tell by my crap photos

And I’m always a happy girl when I can add to my  wanker wall

I love that I sign them….we pose for a pic…they smile big

With no idea what I’ve written on they bellies

(L- I’m on school holidays  R- I need a weed wacker (whipper snipper) )

Purrrrrrdyyyy…

Ah boys…

(my parents are cuzzins)

Ahhh purrrrrrdyy…..

Crazy long lines for signing after the shows every night

One of our most favourite parts of the day

Second of course to the totally fucking clueless boys

(I like penis)

And after signing her CD, she asked me to sign her leg

I said sure, and proceeded to be a smartarse and write, “wrong way go back”

And drew a big, black arrow, pointing to her ‘woo hoo’

I’m quite the artist when given the opportunity

She didn’t tell me she was getting it tattooed

She chose to just get inked with my signature

And not include my awesome-sauce artwork

Apparently I’m not the Picasso I think I am

Ho came to our show on Friday night in Albany Creek

He’d first seen Dad more than 25 years ago

At a show in Western Australia

Back then, Ho couldn’t speak ANY English

He told us that he learnt his first words of English, by listening to Dad’s cassettes

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that Ho’s first words were

Fuck, fuck and fuck

He would put most Australians to shame in the swearing department

Dude’s got a gift for filthy language

Ho Ho Fucking Ho!

I’d never been here before, and the venue is pretty flash

Peeps at the show were drinking, loud and ready to sing

Just the way we like ‘em

This is my new friend

One of us is wearing a corset

And one of us is trying to stop the wee from running down her leg

I’ve been to Collie before, but never played a show there

Add in that it was a Wednesday night

I wasn’t sure if anyone would even show up

I needn’t have worried

Not only did we have a great turnout for a school night

I think I was laughing harder than the audience most of the night

That’s what happens when you play in the country

It’s so top heavy with interesting characters and funny bastards

They end up entertaining ME

Particularly these boys

Who are, unintentionally, now members of the Collie Ranga Flavour Saver Club

They all had goatie beards

That were GINGER as buggery

I tried my best to give them a shot at a normal life

And by ‘normal life’, I mean ripping off the fanta fuzz from their faces

So they could go out in the world without the ridicule and shame of having people laugh at their flame coloured fur

And people knowing they have a concealed weapon in their pants

In the form of a clown wig

We arrived in Hakuba to meet our host for the week

This is Adrien

He’s an Aussie who’s lived in Japan for over 20 years

MateRock originally started out as a BIG birthday party he was throwing to celebrate his 50th

Then the devastating tsunami happened, affecting everything

He decided to go ahead with the party, but changed it to a fundraiser

With the goal of paying for the education of 20 children orphaned by the tsunami

And taking care of those kids financially for the next 10 years

Pretty cool, huh?

As well as Adrian, we got to meet a shitload of other people on our first night

Mum proved what a jet she is by remembering everyone’s names

While bimbo me continued all week calling everyone ‘matey’ & ‘dude’

This one (below) I will remember though

And not just because this was the beginning of a big old bromance for Dad

This is Dave Gleeson, from the Screaming Jets

He was in Hakuba to be the front man for the The Angels

How’s that for an inspired merging?

Love it!

We were all taken to a great little local restaurant

And even got to sit on the floor and use chopsticks

I made a vow to try all food that was put in front of me – even if it looked like octopus scrotums covered in jizz

Guess what?

ALL the food was amazing

Like, really really yummy

I don’t remember the names of anything though

And not just because I discovered Shochu (funny how I remember the name of that)

Schochu (pronounced show-chew) is a traditional Japanese alcoholic drink, like sake

But unlike sake, that you drink straight up

You drink schochu with a mixer

Like lemonade, or soda

The kicker?

No hangover!

I. Shit. You. Not.

If I can’t find it when I get back to Chicago

You can bet your arse I’ll be finding a way to import this Jesus juice

After our I-can’t-believe-I-ate-all-that-even-though-it-wasn’t-steak-and-veggies dinner

We headed back to the hotel

Where Dad & I got the guitars out and shocked the shit out of some foreigners that had never heard of us serenaded our new friends

A fabulous, fabulous, funny (it’s only day one & I’ve run out of descriptive words & I’m repeating myself) night

But wait, there’s more…. But not right now, ’cause I’ve got a plane to catch

This was their 4th time seeing me live

And they’d seen Dad 3.2 times

Because they were at the Ulladulla show in the blackout of 2010

So they missed Dad’s part of that gig

Anyhoo

They’re big fans

And really lovely people

Leach reads all the blogs here

And loves her some Fuck It Up Friday

So in the probable possible absence of one this week

Because I’m…

a) still jetlagged

b) getting woken up every morning by the girls at 5am

c) a lazy cow

d) all of the above

Yes, the answer is D

I thought if I put her pic up here

See Leah…I put it up here

See..! Seeeeeee..??

She can’t be mad at me, right?

1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” - it must be nearly time to go home