Full of piss & vinegar

A very happy, excited dude

I asked him if he enjoyed the show

He told me his name was John & said he loved it

So I signed some CDs for him

When I asked him what his favourite part of the show was

He started laughing

Which song was it, I asked

It wasn’t any of the songs he said

It wasn’t even something that happened on stage

He went on to tell me that while he was in his seat

Waiting for the show to start

The blokes behind him starting chatting about me

How my name, Jenny Talia was hilarious

And that they’d heard I was Kev’s daughter

That’s when he turned around to them and said, you better not say anything bad about her – ‘cause my last name is Talia

Oooh, they said

John was quite please with himself

And totally lying

After my set was over & it was intermission

One of the guys behind John

Tapped him on the shoulder and said,

Man, your wife is excellent!

Thanks very much, he replied

So this is John Talia

(with his real wife)

Otherwise known as Diamond’s stunt double

UPDATE: How’s this for a lovely letter that Mr Talia just sent thru?

“Thank you for one of the most awesome shows I’ve seen in a very long time. You will always be welcome in SA…please come back soon. I will treasure our picture for the rest of my life. Thank you for being such nice down to earth people after the show. It was really an honour to shake Kev’s hand and get a hug from his daughter. I was listening to Kev when swearing was still outlawed in SA…I never thought I would ever meet him in person….and what a awesome person he and you are. You guys seriously can not imagine the difference your humor make in the world…We love you…and by the way…cudos for your mom to stay long enough with that crazy bastard to have kids with him…LOL…Love ya…”

Even better than the last time we were in South Africa

I know I’ve said it before

But it really IS the people here that make it so

Some of my faves

This is Clayton

I did an interview with him backstage before the show in Durban

He’s like the South African Perez Hilton

Such a cutie

And a keeper ’cause he wrote nice things about us!!

Meet Michaele

Also from Durban

And a dancer with the Durban Ballet company

I think he was trying to show me some moves from the Nutcracker

But my efforts were more like something from Swan Dyke

These young lads in Johannesburg wanted me to sign their necks

And I was all like, what? with my mouth? like a vampire?

And they were like, ahh, no actually. how about just with a marker?

Oh, yeah. No problem

I’m a tossa

I reckon if you stuck a couple of nipples on these two

It would be a pretty flash looking boob job, yeah?

When someone hands me a pair of knickers to sign

And it’s happened a few times before

I usually cringe a bit

No one likes crusty bits, do they?

But Penny had it all sorted

She brought BRAND NEW knickers

With the tags on

She asked if I’d write ‘no camel toe’ on them

Done

A lovely couple who were so excited to be at the show

Singing along to all the songs

They knew the words better than me

(not hard, I’ll grant you)

Mum took this shot

And asked us all to move in closer

‘Cause she couldn’t see us clearly

The man on the left said, of course you can’t

We’re black

You can’t see us until we smile

Funny fucker

This is Carmel

I liked to call her CARMEL TOE

We could be buds for sure

But she’s going to have to ‘ugly it up’ a bit first

This is backstage after we finished recording for the live DVD

Next to Mum is Taryn

She was one of the camera operators for the shoot

The only girl in a crew, among a sea of stinky boys

Love her

Next to me is Lisa

Who runs the show at Carnival City casino

The big kahuna

We became mates back in 2008 when we were here

She is organised, hyper-efficient and such a pleasure to work with

Kinda like me really

*ahem*

Then there’s Bruce

He directed the DVD shoot

So if it sucks and isn’t funny

Can we blame him?

This is my favourite fella in South Africa

My bud Gregg

We met last time I was here

And have been Facebook mates ever since

He came to our last show in Pietermaritzburg

Front and centre

You think he’d know better?

Please to report he’s still talking to me!

Lastly, here’s me with Saweebaway

She may not talk

And doesn’t walk too well

I guess that’s because she’s a statue

But fuck it, she’s shorter than me

I’m keeping her

All different

But all immacualte

FILLED with staff

That’s something that we see consistently backstage

Lots and LOTS of staff

For me to walk from backstage, out to the front, to see Mum at the merchandise desk

I would have people walking with me

Security don’t like you walking around by yourself

So at all times, there was at least 2 security guards with me

I’m sure this had NOTHING to do with them not trusting me

And the stolen hand towels incident from 2008

They WERE a gift, I swear

It felt a little weird being escorted everywhere

But it’s better than the alternative, right?

When we played the 2 Johannesburg shows

I was told that I had to have my own bodyguard

It sounded very unnecessary and completely weird

But those were the rules there

He was stationed outside my dressing room all night

I told him my real name was Whitney

And I’m pretty sure he loved hearing me belt out “I Will Always Love You” each night before the show

Warm ups ‘n shit

He has a beautiful African name that is crazy hard to pronounce

So I just called him Kevin

That’s Mr Costner to you

It became pretty obvious that Hollywood had been there first

(You remember how good of a driver he’s NOT, right?)

And had packed his ‘special’ driving skills to bring with him to South Africa

Bless

Then Mum & I went to the markets

And bought some stuff that I guarantee we won’t wear

Ever

But couldn’t resist at the time

Like these stunners!

We Skyped my girls when we got back to the hotel while we were still wearing the hats

And Miss 6  & Miss 4 were like, who are those beautiful hats for?

We LOVE THEM!

So that’s their presents sorted then

As you can tell by the above pic

The locals thought we were utter fucktards

No biggy

It’s not like we didn’t know that already

We stopped to see a street play on the way back to the hotel

There was probably 200 people standing around watching these guys perform

They weren’t speaking in English, so they kind of lost us

But the crowd were going crazy for them

One of the actors had his face painted white

And a fake pregnant belly on

As we walked past

He stopped, pointed to us, said something

And the crowd ROARED!

So we just smiled and waved

Trying to pretend like we knew what he said

Then he said something else

And everyone turned to look at us

Busted out laughing

And started pointing too

Mum’s: Why are they laughing at us?

What do you think he said?

Me: No doubt something about how totally hot we look in our new hats

Mum: You think?

Me: No. He probably said , hey there goes my sister! The blonde one!

With the white face & the big belly just like me!!

Mum: Yeah, that makes more sense

Nice Mum

Nice

She’s one of the awesome locals that make me love South Africa

Always smiling

The fact that she makes you-bloody-beauty coffee definitely adds to the appeal

The fact that it’s Starbuck’s coffee is almost enough for me to start batting for the other team

I gave her one of my CDs

I asked her to email me and let me know which song, if any, is her favourite

I hoped she’d understand the songs sung in my broad Aussie accent OK

And was interested to know if she found them funny

Before I checked out of the hotel where Sesi worked

She came running over to tell me which song she liked best

And I said, but I only gave you the CD 20 minutes ago

I know, she said.

I read the names of the songs on the back of the CD, and I have already decided

Really, I said. Which one?

And in her so cute, and very thick South African accent, she said

“I love Choukolit Uz Bitter Thun Six”

(Translation: Chocolate’s Better Than Sex)

See girls?

We really are the same

All over the world

I arrived at the the hotel to find that

It’s fucking awesome

For anyone that’s been to Vegas

Think Caesar’s Palace

Times 10

This place is huge

And beautiful

And my shitty photos don’t do it justice at all

But it’s really amazing

It’s like it’s own city

With shops, casinos

And a bazillion restaurants

Very, very cool

And being a girl that’s more than comfy staying in a decent motel when on the road

This place feels very fancy schmancy

The staff are wonderful

But I gotta tell you

In South Africa in general

The people are ultra friendly

Very kind and welcoming

Even to yobbos like us!

And the kicker?

Starbucks in the hotel lobby

They’re going to have to drag my freckly arse out of this joint!

This tour more so

‘Cause I’m getting ready to shoot a live DVD this week

So I’m trying out some new stuff

Working out what to wear

I can never decide between black pants & a black shirt

Or black pants & a black shirt

It’s a struggle

I had to swallow a fair amount of mouth vomit before the show tonight

I was N-E-R-V-O-U-S

But then I walked out on stage

Trying hard not to shit my pants

And hoped that this sold out crowd on the other side of the world

“GETS IT”

And thank holy-mary-mother-of-jesus-and-skid-marked-undies

They “GOT IT”

Brilliant way to start the tour

Met some really cool people

With funny accents

Who were all taller than me

Dad got to sign his first pair of South African tits

And SO DID I!

On a lovely little plane

Said “See Ya” to the coast

And had a nap (again)

Woke up just in time to see

Us getting ready to land

In Mt Isa, where the chicks have lips on their bums

And the boys are cuddly fans

The security blokes are huge – never seen fellas so big

I’ll never forget Mt Isa

First time I’ve been thrown out of my own gig!

x

And the people from here can be a bit rough around the edges too

Being from Kalgoorlie, places like the Isa feel like home to me

I’m a fan of people saying what they mean, and meaning what they say

Country towns like this are chock-full of funny bastards and cheeky characters

If you’re one of those polished city slickers with $200 haircuts & shoes that are shiny

I’m not sure you’d last too long in the Isa

In a world that’s top heavy with political correctness & everyone in a constant state of ‘watching what you say’ so as not to offend

Mt Isa is a breath of fresh air

Today when I was buying coffee, the young girl who took my order kept having to adjust her apron ’cause it was slipping off

Me: Must be nice to be that skinny that your clothes keep slipping off

Her: Yeah but it’s a bastard that I gotta do the fucker up so tight that it cuts into me bladder and I gotta piss every half an hour

Bet your local (city) coffee barrister doesn’t open up to YOU like that when you pick up your morning brew!

Then while I was waiting for the coffee at the end of the counter I couldn’t help overhearing the two ladies next to me sharing the details of their sex-apades last night

Lady 1: Well, was he good?

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: I reckoned he’d be good when I seen him in the pub

Lady 2: He was alright

Lady 1: Why just alright?

Lady 2: Well it was good and shit, and we was having fun but then the arsehole went and pissed on me

Lady 1: He pissed on you?

Lady 2: Yep. And he didn’t even ask me first

You KNOW I had snot come out of my nose after hearing this. ‘Cause she wasn’t mad that her fella pissed on her. She was dark ’cause he didn’t ASK her first.

I told you you couldn’t make this shit up

Then Mum & I headed over to a little beautician to get our toenails painted. Because mine look like arse, plus I’m trying to take my mind off the fact that my laptop blew up yesterday. And I no I don’t want to talk about it. Warranty you ask? Why yes, I totally have one of those. Of course I do. It expired TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.

Anyhoo

At the beautician, the young nail technician was telling us that she had been to see the show last night

But after spending an hour in her company, I’ve decided she could have BEEN in the show

She was telling me how she’d just dropped her daughter at school and was approached by the Principal, who asked if she could please refrain from swearing so much

What a fucking bitch hey? Stupid slut telling me that I can’t fucking speak how I want to fucking speak. What’s the fucking world coming to hey?

And on the subject of her mother

What a fucking pisshead she is. Ask me to drop her down the pub and I go to pick up the old tart and she’s fucking legless already. I mean, for fuck’s sake Mum!

I left there pretty sure that we’re related

This town is just a fun place to be

It’s refreshing to be around people that don’t give a shit

And don’t know any other way than to just say what’s on their minds and tell it like it is

This weekend the Mt Isa rodeo is on

It’s the biggest rodeo in the Southern Hemisphere

The tourists and rodeo fans have been flooding in all week

I hope all the visiting cowboys appreciate just how unique this little place is

I already know that this is where I’m heading to when it’s time to write my next album

I think I’ll just head to the Isa when it’s time to write anything, full stop

You hang around here long enough

And the shit just writes itself

Leaving our mark at public toilets across the state

With a trail of “I Love My Jenny Talia” stickers

.

We’ve been lucky to stay in some beautiful places

Mackay was definitely one of those

.

And as with every tour, we’ve been loving meeting some of the mad buggers that have come out to the shows

Like Kim – whose jeans now how my scribble on the bum

.

And this lovely lady

It actually took me a while to recover from the shock of meeting her

And realising that I’d finally been “OUT-blinged” by someone

But I’ve already started stocking up on glitter & sparkly things

My plan is to blow her out of the water on the next tour through these parts

Nicely of course

.

There’s been whole families come along to the show

And that makes me happy

You know, knowing my family is not the only fucked-up one out there

.

This has been my favourite shirt of the tour so far

A guy actually came to the show wearing this same shirt in the UK last year

I told him I loved it, so he GAVE it to me

OK, I may have begged a little

So Mark was lucky, he got to keep his

.

We’ve met some lovely people, like Matthew & Leanne is Innisfail

(& yeah, the main reason I put this pic in is because I’m the 2nd tallest one in it. Check THAT shit out!)

.

And some crazy bastards like this mob in Ingham

HELLUP!

.

Then last night in Atherton, we had a BELLY-FEST

Lots of boys wanted me to leave my mark on their gut

As they competed with each other in trying to convince me that “their” abs were better than their mates

Um…yeah I beg to differ in this case

While they had a *’how rock hard are my abs’ comp going on between them

(*code for  ’how soft is my peen)

I was running out of things to scrawl on them

They were all pretty wasted

So I’m hoping they wake up this morning, trying to put together the pieces of last night’s puzzle

And start questioning their sexuality

That would make me so happy