Or a hand made cake for his birthday this year

Either way….c-a-k-e!

With cream in it.

Am I right girls?

You know,

Right BACK at ya!

BACK in the saddle

BACK that thang up

Put your BACK into it

PayBACKs are a bitch

I’ve got your BACK

There never seems to be any about the FRONT

I might make one up

Like holy-fucking-FRONTAGE-batman!

*Diamond was looking over my shoulder and saw the first pic and got all excited with his bad-self, until he saw the 2nd pic and ran away screaming and scratching at his eyes. So awesome.

It’s been a while, no?

And I know you’re probably going through BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY withdrawals

It’s not even a shortage of penis pics

That’s kept me from posting

Believe me, they’re everywhere

I don’t look for them now

YOU all send them TO me

Thanks?

As we’re nearing to that time of year

When we all get gussied up in our best duds

And head out to paint the down

And ring in the new year

What, you don’t do that?

OK, me neither

So really, it’s getting to that time of year

When you stay home

But try really hard to stay up until midnight to watch the clock strike 12

And you fail

Just like last year

Anyhoo

Whatever your plans this New Year’s Eve

Put a bit of extra effort into your appearance

Especially you fellas out there

May I suggest you start with your wedding tackle?

Something as *huge* as that trouser snake probably needs all the accessories he can get

A case of “less it TOTALLY NOT more” right there

And ladies

Don’t forget to add a little bling to your badgers

Try to to get in crystals caught in your camel toes though, ok?

Welcome to the first of a bazillion Christmas posts

OK, maybe one or three

‘Cause those in the know, KNOW I love the shit out of Christmas

See HERE

HERE

HERE, HERE and HERE

Oh and fuck it, one more….HERE!

Today’s topic is about the main man

Who in Australia is called Father Christmas

My girls call him Santa

I call him the man-that-can-help-me-get-my-kids-to-do-anything-if-I-tell-them-he’s-watching

Yay for December!

What did you think Santa looked like as a kid?

I don’t remember every thinking that looked like this dude

Some of my girlfriends (I’m talking to you Clare & Michelle) have been sending me through some of these cute boy pics

There’d be a lot more left out on Christmas Eve than cookies and milk

If this was what was coming down your chimney

Am I right, girls?

But we’ve all got to wake up sometime

Oh yeah fellas, I didn’t forget you

Here’s Santa’s grandaughter

Who I’m pretty sure used the front door

Not the chimney

How’s it?

Yeah-yeah, I realize half of you are just going to scroll straight down to the dick pic

Go ahead

The rest of us (ie; those who love me not just for my penes) will carry on, shall we?

So last night’s show was awesome!

Sold out in Woy Woy

We got to meet a gorgeous little fan before the show

Shauna

Signed her guitar for her

And while Dad *pretended* to go find her one of his guitar picks

The rest of the crew, one at a time

Would sneak up to her and say, “….psstt…here’s one of Kev’s picks, but don’t tell him I gave it to you..!“

Poor kid was so torn

Excited to be getting some of Dad’s personal cool looking new picks

But struggling with the fact that she thought we were stealing them to give to her

She was putting them inside her pants

Until she gave herself such a wedgie

And her face was bright red with guilt

That she ‘fessed up and tried to give them back to Dad

But once we let her know we were just playing silly buggers and it was Dad who started it

She had the biggest giggle about it

Such a cutie

…..

In other news

Which some of you no doubt already know about

So yeah, 2 girls stole our stuff from backstage

While we were all in the foyer after the show signing cds & saying G’day to everyone

They’ve been identified, they were captured by 4 different security cameras at the venue

Geniuses as well as thieves, weren’t they?

I actually remember meeting them earlier in the night

And I’m not even joking when I tell you,

If their vajay-jays were as big as their mouths

Their guts would have dropped out

I mean that in the nicest possible way

Of course

We could stay angry about it

But at the end of the day, I’m not going to get 2 skanky hoes ruin what was, up until that point, one of the best nights of the entire tour

Woy Woy is a beautiful place, and the fans there were so brilliant to us

A lot of your responses to my Twitter & Facebook posts about it mentioned karma

And I reckon your right

What goes around comes around

But my fave message was “….may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their crotches, and their arms be too short to scratch them”

Gold

I’m hoping to get a copy of the security tape so I can include their lovely mugs on my video blog for this tour

Wouldn’t that be fucking AWESOME?

……..

Let’s go to our happy place shall we?

Well, not REALLY our happy place

More like the place that makes us gag a little

And feel superior in our normalcy

‘Cause we’re ALL SO NORMAL AREN’T WE?

Bwahahaha

You remember our little SLICED UP SLUGGY FRIEND

(oh yeah, don’t click on the above link if you are at work, eating, or prone to nightmares)

From a few weeks ago?

Good news you guys…

I found his DAD!!

Now I just need to find his Mum

And his sister

Maybe there’s some cousins out there somewhere too…

“Why Can’t WE have ads like THIS on TV?”

I can’t remember if I posted this one or not yet

So, if I AM repeating-posting it

Just know that it is ENTIRELY on purpose

‘Cause it’s just bloody funny

Or any of you that were IN South Africa during the world cup

More specifically, any of you who were in South Africa for the world cup who used one of those stupid fucking vuvuzelas

I wanted to show you how they were made

I think this is payback enough for all the fucking noise you lot made during every God damn soccer game

Now go brush your teeth

*thanks Brett

Oh man with Daffy Duck tatooed all over your junk

I don’t need to read your wedding tackle to know you’re a party animal

But it might be time to lay off the crack pipe dude

I can’t believe I forgot that it was BAD-PENIS-TATTOO-THURSDAY yesterday

Sorry guys

And I don’t even have any new pics for you

It’s actually a lot harder to find tattooed penis‘ than you think

And I haven’t found any new painted ones for you either

But I did get sent this one

A DICK TREE!

That thing is an orgy waiting to happen