And I have called his cell at least 20 times since then

Just to fuck with him check that it’s working

To add to his Bieber-fever – I just downloaded the new Justin Bieber Christmas album

I’ve been playing it, on repeat, for the last 2 hours

Loud

Macaroni and Magoo are stoked, and a running around saying, “…Mummy’s the greatest!”

Three guesses what Diamond is running around saying..

Big time

Like, every day

Which is a whole pile of awesome for everyone

It’s a big ol’ mutual admiration society going on over here

But for anyone that reads this blog regularly

And knows about my youngest daughter, Magoo

How cute & spunky she is

Yes, cute & spunky is code for – Oh sweet Jesus if turns out anymore like my Dad we are all fucked – fucked I say!

You’d understand my trepidation & concern of her excess Poppy time

She  already lives by the DILLIGAF motto FAR to much for her Mummy’s liking

But I couldn’t separate them if I tried

They’re like Papa Smurf & Baby Smurf

Sonny & mini Cher

Laurel & Hardy the midget

Dad’s been working hard at educating the girls with as much ‘Australiana’ as he can

He loves that they live in Chicago and all that that entails

Annual trips to the U.S to see them

The awesome little ‘gansta’ accents they have

But he’s always been determined that they should know as much as he can teach them about their Aussie heritage

And the girls, in turn, are complete sponges

Hanging on his every word

He’s like a walking encyclopedia of Australia and it’s history

Ask a question – he’ll know the  answer

He’s also trying hard to instill in them, important life lessons about growing up in the bush

I don’t have the heart to tell him that some of his outback ‘ways’

Are lost on a couple of little city chicks from Chicago

But I’m happy let him keep sharing his chunks of Poppy wisdom with them

Like, “Never squat for a shit poop while you’re wearing spurs”

Mum & I were looking for something to do on our day off

This time, I won’t be so fucking stupid I’m letting Mum pick the activity

Then jumped on a big boy plane to fly to Brisbane

About 13 hours later, as we started descending

I looked out the window and saw this

Now, Brisbane is a beautiful city

But even a blonde fucktard like me I know, that this was not Brisbane

The pilot comes over the intercom

Brisbane was clouded in fog this morning making it unsafe to land. We didn’t have enough fuel to circle around and wait for the fog to lift, so we have redirected to Noumea, where we will refuel. That should take under 2 hours. If it takes longer than that, we are not permitted to fly any more, as pilots are only allowed to fly for a certain amount of hours per trip, and any time over 2 hours, would mean we would have to stay in Noumea for 36 hours, until we could re-continue our journey to Brisbane

The fuck?

So once we landed, pretty much the whole plane looked out the window at the little men on the ground refueling the plane

Chanting, “…faster, faster, faster!”, that I may have instigated

But it worked!

With 40 minutes to spare, we took off for Brissie

I ended up being on that plane for nearly 20 hours

My bum stopped talking to me, they stopped serving food and *gasp* DRINKS

And I missed my connecting flight to Darwin

But I was able to nab one of the last seats on the only other flight out to Darwin – thank you Jetstar!

And the biggest surprise of all?

My GUITAR SHOWED UP TOO!!

Most of them make me excited

Like some of the solo shows I have coming up

I start the NORTHERN TERRITORY shows in a couple of weeks

Heiny & I are going to do those shows Thelma & Louise style….AGAIN!

She’s never been to the Territory before

So 3 shows at Granites Mining Site where I’m going to find her a husband The first show there is at 7:30am….yes A-fucking-M! I think the first set could be classes as modern/interparative musings. Whereby the audience sits for 45 minutes, watching me sitting in my PJs, drinking coffee.

Then onto DARWIN (Humpty Doo) where our first stop will toady be HERE!

ALYANGULA (Groote Eylandt) there’s a saying…NO ROOTS ON GROOTE. Don’t tell Heiny, or she won’t come

And NHULUNBUY (Gove) you haven’t been to the Territory, unless you’ve been to Gove. I heart the place, big time

I just love trying to saying the names

Humpty Dooooooooo anyone?

Some more solo shows have been confirmed for September too

In a addition to GERALDTON, there’s now

KALGOORLIE (WA)

COLLIE (WA)

LANCELIN (WA)

And in Victoria, I’ll be heading to

BRIGHTON BEACH

SOUTH MORANG

And MULGRAVE

All the details are to the left in the tour dates column. Or you can see more on the complete gig page

I know there are some solo Sydney, and possibly Adelaide shows being finalised soon too

Will keep you posted

But right now my immediate focus is on a gig I just found out about this morning

That’s for next Monday

It’s the one I think I’m most nervous about

It’s only to a group of about 16

A private function I guess you could call it

They’ve asked me to keep it clean

I promised I would

It’s not something I would ever normally say yes to

But they asked so nicely

And then Magoo got in on the act

And gave me her never fail, puh-weeeease Mummy face

So I caved

I am now doing a show next week

For Magoo’s PRESCHOOL CLASS!

Magoo is excited beyond words

Well, not really ‘beyond’ words

‘Cause she hasn’t shut up

“….oh Mummy it going to be so gweat. They will wuv your singing so much. You can sing anything you want. Any song in the world Mummy…

…as long as it’s by Katy Perry”

If you look closely

It’s much easier to spot in this one though

Still can’t see it?

Let’s use ‘pore cam’ then shall we?

See it now?

OK, how about ‘pore cam’ with a bigger grin

I KNOW you see it now

The great-giant-gap-of-grossness

You remember how it all went down, right? (CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T)

And some of the bullshit that’s happened since then CLICK HERE IF YOU DON’T KNOW THAT EITHER, ‘CAUSE WE’RE OBVIOUSLY STRANGERS)

So in keeping with my penchant for procrastinating

And because I’m going on tour tomorrow

Which is the start of lots back and forth-ing for the rest of the year

Making dentist visits hard to schedule and very easy to avoid

I figured I couldn’t put it off much longer

I went back to the dentist today to get the new tooth put in

Again

Quite the achievement since I had the original implant done in 2006

And have been fucking around with dentist visits, surgeries and cock ups since then

FIVE YEARS

And thoughts of big, scary looking whatever-the-fuck-this-is

Have helped me keep putting off the inevitable

So I put on my best patient face

Hardened up

And got it done

So I’m finally back to fully-full-on-face smilies

From the left AND RIGHT side now

It’s got me all motivated to keep on keeping on

Maybe some lipo?

Boob job?

I’m not sure if I the balls for that kinda stuff

I’m thinking I’ll just start small

Something subtle…

Like some 14K gold all up in my grills!!

To match my labia & nipple rings.

A H-U-G-E day

It’s the big playoff football game between forever rivals

The Chicago Bears & The Green Bay Packers

If the Bears win this one, they’re going to the Superbowl

Which they haven’t won since 1985

That’s when this suberb video was made

So it’s kinda a big deal ’round these parts

Especially in our house

Both girls have their Bear’s jerseys on

We even got out our Bear’s bathtowels

With glitter on them? (oh Magoooo….)

Bear’s soap

Even the Fluffinator has to wear his Bear’s hat

Until he gets it off and eats it

The girls dress their toys up

Stick up homemade Bear’s decorations

We even crank out Diamond’s beloved Bear’s blanket

That was his Grandmas

And is older than him (which makes it pretty o-l-d)

We’ve got Bear’s deck chairs

Even though it’s a tad nippily to be outside sitting on anyone’s deck

I only have to look out our window to see our neighbours are getting in the spirit too

Diamond’s been wearing his jersey all year

But today’s the first day I’ve worn mine this year

So they’d better win

Or you KNOW who’s going to get the blame…

UPDATE: Bears lost. I’m burning the fucking shirt

A lot of you know that I was lucky enough to go to the Oprah Winfrey show a while back with my mate Ruby

(read about it here)

Well, I received an email a few weeks ago

Out of the blue

From a friend in Chicago, that I hadn’t seen in a few years

Asking if I had any friends or family in Australia that would be interested in going to the show when Oprah came to Sydney

Know anyone?

Like, only EVERYONE

My first thought was Mum & Sam

Who, every time they’ve come to visit me in Chicago

Have asked if we could go to the Oprah show

Nagged, begged, pleaded

Honestly? They’d been total pains in the arises about it

And I’d never been able to get tickets

So yeah, I would totally give these Sydney tickets to them

And shut them up

And quite possibly make their day, year & DECADE!

And then, when I found out the date of the show was December 14th

I was all, what is this fuckery?

I would actually BE in Sydney December 14th

It was the day I was flying back to Chicago

So I asked my mate in Chicago if would be at ALL possible to get THREE tickets to the show

As Dad says, if you don’t ask, you don’t get

I’m pretty sure he was talking about sex though

Anyhoo

She said NO PROBLEM!

Holy shit

This was going to be ALL shades of awesome

Mum and I flew into Sydney first thing Monday

As the tickets had to be picked up the day before the show

Just seeing the size and scope of the set up was unbelievable

Swat teams

Riot teams

Security coming out the WAZOOO

And like last time I went to the show, in Chicago

NO cameras on the big day

Fuck

But we WERE allowed to have our phones this time

Happy dance

Mum & I walked from our hotel down to the Opera house to get our tickets

No lines, no crowds

Very cool

Except there were only two tickets waiting for us

We tried not to panic, as the ladies handing out tickets told us everyone only gets allocated two tickets

But after checking around, and finding my name on another sheet, she confirmed that there was indeed 3 for us

Thank you Jesus

Or Oprah

(‘cause I’m pretty sure she’s more powerful)

We got our tickets

Stopped to have a quick bite to eat

So that we’d go straight back to our hotel

Have an early night

And be good-to-go for the show the next day

5 hours and three bottles of red later

The only thing guaranteed for the show the next day was a hella hangover

Mission accomplished

Part two is a comin’

After some su-leeeeeep!

Pretty cool huh?

Remember when I got to go to the Oprah Show with my friend Ruby?

I even have video to prove it

That’s me doing the Oprah Show Spaz Out Wave at the 3:27 mark

The day I went to the show

The audience received mittens

So, for her first show this year, when I found out she’s taking the ENTIRE audience on a trip to Australia

On a plane flown by John Travolta

Who I realise is totally a closeted gay man

But the tween in me (dressed up as Olivia Newton John) likes to live in denial

I wasn’t jealous at all

Huh, why would I be?

It’s not like I’m AUSTRALIAN or anything

It’s not like they’re going to my hometown Perth

Yeah, that’s right, they ARE going to Perth

On a direct flight – which Qantas never normally does

So you usually have to fly Chicago to LA to Sydney THEN to Perth

Where ALL my family lives

I don’t mean to come across all ungrateful n bratty n shit

But, fuck

Fuck

FUCK

At least I have my mittens to dry my bitter tears

Thanks for THAT Oprah

The DVD shot is finished!

I can’t even tell you how happy I am to have that done

I was N-E-R-V-O-U-S

Worried I’d trip and fall

Or forget the words

I was particularly concerned that my fun bags wouldn’t stay in my top

That’s what I get for choosing to wear something from the DOLLY PARTON MATERNITY-RANGE

It will be a while before it’s released (sometime next year)

The touring schedule doesn’t leave much time for editing

So rather than make it a rush job

I really want to take my time & make sure it doesn’t suck

Thanks for being so patient with me

I know that a lot of you have been asking for a DVD from me for a while now

And honestly, if you guys hadn’t asked

I’m not sure I would have done one

I hope it’s worth the wait for you

The crew we got to work with were incredible

The venue was perfect

And the crowd were insane

Here’s a live pic that Dad took on the night

I think we should all be thankful that he wasn’t in charge of the video cameras too!