As I type this

Miss 6 & Miss 4 are upstairs in ‘timeouts’

Miss 6 in her room

And Miss 4 in my office

Normally a timeout would mean them saying, Yes Mummy, putting on their best remorseful faces

And heading upstairs to play or read a book

Not today

Today they are both sitting on the carpet, in the middle of each room

Doing nothing

I’m not sure how long I’m going to let them stew

Is a month too long?

What sort of discipline do you guys use?

‘Cause while the girls are full of awesomeness

They’re kids

And kids can be arseholes

Doesn’t mean we don’t love ‘em

But we all have our days

‘cept me of course, but you knew that already

The trouble started early this week

Miss 6 is on Spring Break from school

So we had the week planned out with fun stuff to do

And lots of playdates

Playdate # 1 – Miss 4 ate all the other kid’s lunches

And Miss 6 made the little sister cry

Not her own little sister that shit happens daily around here

The 4 year old sister of her school friend

So they both got warnings and a stern talking to blah, blah, blah

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Playdate # 2 – Miss 6 put a bean bag on the little sister (again not her own) and made her cry

And Miss 4 stole their telephone

You read that right

She. Stole. Their. Telephone

It was shoved up the sleeve of her jacket when I was trying to buckle her in her seat as we were leaving

And I said, are you kidding me – you’re STEALING their telephone?

And she just looked at me and said,  yes I am

So they got bigger warnings & a grade A stern talking to

That’s the one where my face changes colour

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Now I know some of you are probably thinking, no one deserves this more than me well they’re just kids and that’s what kids do

And I get that

But it’s my goal in life to one day stop wearing maternity clothes not have THOSE kids

You know the ones I mean, I’m sure

THOSE kids that you can’t take anywhere

THOSE kids that are brats?

THOSE kids that when you see them out, you want to slap ‘em upside the head and shoot their parents are sooo glad they’re not yours

(Doesn’t this picture make you want to sew your vajay-jay up?)

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And while I don’t think my kids are even close to being THOSE kids

I’m convinced that even the worst of THOSE kids, must have started out as good kids at some point, right?

So I’m strict

And decided that before playdate #3 today

The girls would clean their toy room

Which looked like an abandoned preschoolers crack house

But they couldn’t do without fighting

So playdate #3 has been cancelled

Yep ,I actually followed through on a threat

I called up playdate #3 and cancelled

And I’m pissed about it

‘Cause today’s playdate was going to be a good one

The Mum is a good friend and she drinks duh, why do you think we’re good friends?

So now I will be drinking at noon, alone having a playdate with myself

*Feel free to insert your own dirty thought here*

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update – just checked on the girls upstairs and they’re asleep thank you, heroin laced cheerios!

My new mate Bush Babe & I were talking about traveling

And all the things you can do to make it easier

Then the subject came up again today with a lady I was trying to ignore chatting to on the flight to Sydney

She said she would never be able to travel as much as I do

And she doesn’t know how I do it

So because I am in a hotel room by myself with no good movies to watch, or friends to hang out with in the interest of sharing

I give you some of my travel tips

How I roll!

~Never pack early – your disorganisation will guarantee that half of your clothes are dirty and you won’t have time to do laundry. Result - half empty super light suitcase

~Stay up late the night before – cramming in all the shit you’ve been meaning to do for weeks. And by staying up until stupid o’clock sewing girl scout patches on Miss 6’s uniform and ironing Miss 4’s outfit for parade day – you’ll be absolutely ROOTED for your flight and will sleep like a mofo for most of it

~Have a drink BEFORE you leave for the airport, and one in the car on the way. Only if it’s legal where you live to drink in the car, which it’s totally NOT in Illinois so I don’t even know why I brought that up *sip* Anyhoo – the drink is to relax you, mellow you out. It also has the added bonus of making you emotional when you check in and when they ask you is your trip for business or pleasure and you say business and they say are you traveling with anyone, you start sobbing, “I’m…on….my…own…*sob*…my….kids…are….*sob*….not…..coming…..*sniff*…” This will make them feel so sorry for you that they upgrade you. Yet another fabbo example of how alcohol can enrich you life

~Leave hours and HOURS before your flight is due to leave – this is a sure fire way to get you there on time. My experience has shown me that if I’m early, there are NO lines & no waiting. If I am late? The lines are out the door and I miss my flight. Murphy’s Law? Fuck you Mr Murphy

~Avoid grumpy looking airline staff at check in – there’s a dude at O’Hare airport in Chicago that I swear to God, gets his period. And he is ALWAYS working the shift when I’m flying out. He is the grumpiest mother fucker bastard ever and has NO business working with the public. Avoiding him usually saves me $100 every trip in excess baggage fees

~Paint your toenails – ’cause you WILL have to take of your shoes to go through security and other travelers WILL check out your skanky feet. Make ‘em look purdy for the nosey buggers peeps

~Very IMPORTANT – pack your liquids in a clear plastic bag & your sex toys in your checked in luggage. Packing your liquids in your checked luggage  and your sex toys in a clear plastic bag can be unbelievably embarrassing, or so I’ve been told *ahem*

~Buy your magazines & books for the flight BEFORE you get to the airport – this will save you the extra $50 in chocolate & candy that you will spend because you stood in line for 20 minutes at the airport newsagency and grabbed a snack a minute whilst in said line, ’cause you have a wine buzz and the munchies

~Bring your travel pillow. It gets expensive buying a new one every time you go away because you keep forgetting to bring it. Plus, it will give you more space in your office closet ’cause it won’t be filled with the oodles of travel pillows you keep forgetting

~Make sure your carry-on luggage has wheels for fucks sake No wheels = bad back. Bad back = Dr visit. Dr visit = prescription for pain meds. Pain meds = wait…pain meds = awesomeness, so scratch all that. Yeah, totally take the wheels OFF your hand luggage

~Check in online if you’re able to. This means you usually get to pick your seat in advance. So you check out where all the empty rows are, and pick your seat smack, bang in the middle of no one and pray that an under 12’s boys soccer team doesn’t make a last minute booking

~Order a special meal. Vegetarian, diabetic, whatever the choices are. Believe me, ALL plane food tastes pretty much the same. But with a special meal, you get your food before the other passengers which allows you to gloat even if you ARE surrounded by a pre-pubescent soccer squad

~Sleeping tablet. Take it with your meal, so that by the time everyone else is served their food, your already snoring your box off and dribbling on your travel pillow that you didn’t forget. Don’t take sleeping tablet unless the flight’s at LEAST 8 hours long. It’s not a lot of fun being shaken awake by the airport police after a short trip to Nashville. I don’t think laying down for a nap and your skirt riding up and showing the soccer team your best travel knickers counts for indecent exposure anyway. Those southern cops are rough man

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