Julie came to our show the other night
And after signing her CD, she asked me to sign her leg
I said sure, and proceeded to be a smartarse and write, “wrong way go back”
And drew a big, black arrow, pointing to her ‘woo hoo’
I’m quite the artist when given the opportunity
She didn’t tell me she was getting it tattooed
She chose to just get inked with my signature
And not include my awesome-sauce artwork
Apparently I’m not the Picasso I think I am
I took the girls horse riding a few weeks ago
They loved it
La-la-la-lurved it!
And because I’m a genius and a manipulative mummy
I decided to use that love to my advantage
I made a chart
And promised the girls another day of horse riding
If their chart was filled with only ticks
From doing chores, homework and generally being full of asweomeness
They said no worries
As long as “I” went horse riding with them
I said sure
I was probably drunk at the time
I’m sure it’s a surprise to no one that I am not equestrianly inclined
But why the fuck not, hey?
Why the fuck not, indeed
Check me out
I couldn’t look more uncomfortable than if I was parading down the catwalk in a swimsuit at the Miss World pageant
With an unwaxed vajay-jay
Yep, THAT’s how uncomfortable I was
If you look closely you might even see some wee running down my leg
My horse’s name was Harley Spotty Botton
I called him Dot Bum
He was a sweety
And I tried to love it
But it just wasn’t my favourite
It’s not his fault I can’t relax when my fanny bone is get bounced around the park
(insert fanny bone getting bounced joke here)
Plus he kept walking me under trees
Which meant branches were whacking my in the head and I probably have brain damage
So apparently the love wasn’t mutual
At least I won’t ever have to do it again
Ever
I know this because…
Although I’d been around horses before
Until yesterday, I don’t think I’d ever ‘touched’ a horse
Yesterday, by the time I got off the horse
I was scratching like a mofo
And had hives
HIVES I say!!
I’m allergic to fucking horses
I had hives everywhere
I wish I was joking
Every-fucking-where!
Like, ON MY EYEBALLS!
No, you can’t see that pic.
Two years ago the girls and I did this
Today we’re doing it again
Like, in a few hours
And I haven’t packed at all
I’ve been up since 2am
Because I’m a fucking nutjob
But I can’t pack without going into the girl’s rooms and waking them up
So I ironed
And I cleaned
Charged up all my iPhones, iPads, laptops and blah blah
Now it’s 4:30am
And I am ty-yerrrred!
In other, unrelated, insomnia-fueled news
I wanted to show you these pics I took yesterday
An old lady put her car in drive instead of reverse
And drove through a shop window
Luckily for her, she wasn’t hurt
And the shop was empty
Luckily for me and the girls – we were in the shop next door
So we totally dodged a Toyota Corolla bullet there
Good luck renting that place out now
I’m pretty sure this would be the end result if I let my tired arse drive a car today
Here’s hoping the pilot isn’t a fossil who should’ve handed in his license years ago an insomniac too.