pucker up….you eight legged little bastard

I never really understood why people get plastic surgery

I mean, I get that people want to change things about themselves, and they feel that plastic surgery will give the  the improvements they’re looking for

But not me
I am WAY to much of a pussy for that shitz
After popping out two babies, one ‘naturally’ (there’s nothing natural abut that shit) and one out the sunroof
I would never, EVER intentionally go under the knife….like, by CHOICE
Nuh-uh
Nev-arrrrr

Which is why I find myself explaining my face to people today
Apparently a lot of people are fans of the bee-stung-lips-look

My lips are usually pretty chubby anyway
But today…they’re extra plump
Thanks to a spider bite on my top lip

Yep, fuck BEE stings
Fuck collagen
Imma go all out and get some of NATURE’S best poison in my face
Courtesy of itsy-bitsy-what-was-that-fucker-doing-in-my-bed-last-night-spider

Today I plan to fumigate & scrub every surface of my house
In the hopes that any and ALL spiders and other little mofos that like to bite in the middle of the night
DIE
Sorry, I’m not much of a creepy crawly whisperer
I don’t ‘relocate’ bugs
I kill the fuckers

Even if they do give me extra pouty Angelina Jolie lips
Which Imma enjoy while I can
Which would explain why I’m sitting in the car, waiting for Macaroni to come out of Orchestra camp, taking selfless of my face
When life gives you lemons
Buy more lip gloss!

image

‘Cause Google (do not Google spider bite on lips…no serisously….do NOT. Whatever, off you go then) tells me they’ll probably turn black and drop of within the next 24 hours

 

 

 

 

 

 

snow pain…snow gain

I posted this on Facebook yesterday

And you guys guys were all,
“Are you drunk Jen?”
“Are you fucking crazy Jen?”
“STOOPID!”
“You idiot!”
I could go on
Side note: you guys should say what you REALLY feel

Anyhoo, we ended up having an AMAZING time, so there!
Made a lot easier by me not being the only Mum there
AAANNNDD….all of us bringing wine
Of course

It was so fun

The hill was so fast

My kid’s little pink faces were numb, but so happy

Until

Oh Magoo

I was *this close* to taking her to the hospital (this is the part where you guys say ‘I told you so Jen, you fucktard’
She’s not a cry-er (she’d already tumbled too many times to count…and ran into the trees more than once…and she just stood up and did a little happy/Rocky Balboa/fits pump dance)
But holy-mother-of-stacks did she cry this time
I just about had a heart attack when she screamed as she hit the ground
The fact that it was her back she hurt, made me think an ER visit might be the go

We were in the car, half way there, I was trying to calm her down, with promises of 2 minute noodles (her fave), a Buddies movie marathon (her FAVE fave)
And just her and I, in our PJs for the rest of the day….on the couch
I would have promised her anything in the world to stop her crying. A trip to Disneyland!
A pony! A baby brother!
Another dog even?
Fuck off. She wasn’t crying THAT much.
She sucked up her sobbing enough to whisper, “OK Mama”

She’s had an icepack strapped to her so much, her new nickname is Numb-Bum
She’s bruised, and very sore
But as always…she’s smiling
Love that kid.

It hasn’t stopped snowing all day today….so we might even grab our sleds and head back to the hill!
AS. IF.
There’s not enough WINE ice in this house to go through that again
Thank-you-very-much-can’t-believe-you-would-even-suggest-that-the-fuck-you-guys?

hit pic, january 16, twenty thirteen

Macaroni stayed home from school yesterday
There’s a shocker of a flu going ’round at the moment, and when she woke up with a temperature, we were like, awwww shit, back to bed for you kiddo
She was fine throughout the day
She read three books. So to her, yesterday was like Christmas.
I get to stay in my pajamas and read all day? I LOVE BEING SICK!
Magoo wasn’t quite as pleased

Macaroni’s temperature eventually went away
We joked that she used to get a high temp when she was a baby and teething, so maybe that’s what was wrong with her
Not 10 minutes later she came down with two bomber teeth that had come out. They’d been loose for a while and with some *help*, they’d just ‘popped’ right out
And judging by the mouth full of wobbly-ness she had when she left for school today
It’s safe to assume she’ll probably lose another one (or two) tonight
So this begs the question, can you BE teething when you’re nine years old?

And more importantly, can someone please point the tooth fairy in the direction of the nearest ATM?