New year’s resolutions?

Nah

Why just limit myself to resolutions that I’ll no doubt fail at by the 3rd day of January

I have all year to break promises to myself

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that I will, at some point this year

Vow to lose weight

Promise myself to write more songs

Swear I’ll get started on that ‘book’ I’ve been meaning to write (for 5 years)

Try to stay organised (for more than 2 hours at a time)

Want to dance more with my girls

Really want to have a holiday with my husband

Do anything to get more sleep

Wanna kill at least one fellow passenger on a flight to somewhere

Piss myself off for all the half-finished lists I have all over the place

But

I did do ONE thing I’ve been meaning to do for like, oh I dunno

10 FUCKING YEARS

So that’s a start, right?

I cleaned out my closet

Yes I did

All 3 of them

It was so chocka block with clothes & crap that,

I truly believed would fit me again one day

I truly believed I would wear, even though they still have the tags on them years later

I truly believed would come back into fashion

Anyhoo

I finally did it

And this was the halfway mark

I also purged 53 pairs of shoes & boots

And possibly got rid of some of Diamond’s tragic 80′s jeans

Accidentally of course

The car is loaded to the brim

The local Goodwill Store is not going to know what hit them

It’ll be a tsunami of sequins, platform shoes, cowboy hats, slutty dresses, leopard print coats & pleather pants

There’s about to be some very happy trannies around these parts

Happy New Year!

I was born in Kalgoorlie

It’s where my brother was born

And my Mum was born

Dad?

Most people think he was born in Kal too

But as his autobiography, which comes out later this year, will tell you

He was actually born in Sydney

So it would seem that the ‘normal’ ones in our family come from Kal

And the fucktard Dad is from Sydney

Back when we lived there it didn’t have any traffic lights

Or big box stores

Now it has everything, McDonalds, KFC, Kmart, you name it

It also still has a lot of what makes Kalgoorlie famous

Because it’s in an area known as the Goldfields

You’d be safe to assume that it’s fame comes from gold

Which, technically is right:

The discovery of gold by Paddy Hannan in 1893 led to one of Australia’s great gold rushes. Since then Kalgoorlie-Boulder has developed into a major service hub for Western Australia’s active resource industry. Dominated by magnificent historic architecture, Hannan and Burt Streets provide a focus for modern cafés, restaurants and accommodation, hotels, clubs and watering holes.

The huge KCGM Super Pit stretches along the eastern flank of the twin City, pointing north toward the Australian Prospectors and Miners Hall of Fame – a showcase of the mining industry. Surrounded by beautiful forest, the golden City boasts colourful characters and culture, world class sporting and indoor swimming facilities, traditional two-up games, and the famous Race Round.

It is also home to the largest number of pubs per square kilometre in Australia. 1 pub for every 1,000 residents why de we ever leave?

But what the above info about Kalgoorlie fails to mention

And I can’t imagine why

Is what a lot of Aussies REALLY know Kalgoorlie for

And that, is the ‘knock shops’

Massage parlors, whore houses, whatever name you want to use

Kalgoorlie has shitloads of them

They’re all in a row, side by side in Lay Hay Street

As you can imagine, with a massive influx of horny strapping miners back when the first goldrush took place

There became a ‘demand’ for the services of such establishments

And Kalgoorlie remains, to this day, one of the only areas in the country

Where prostitution is legal

The brothels are also a huge tourist attraction

They take tour groups through and show them the cummings & goings ‘ropes’, so to speak

I had a private tour a few years ago at Langtrees on the strip

And the ‘private’ tour wasn’t because I went to the local Catholic school with some of the girls that work there

No, it was because of Dad

And not because he used to be a regular customer I don’t think

It was because along with all the ‘themed’ rooms as Langtrees

Bondage, sport, Asian, Romance

There is a Kevin Bloody Wilson room

I shit you not

Being one of Kalgoorlie’s most successful exports led the folks at Langtrees to ask Dad if he wanted to design his own ‘themed’ room there

He, of course, said yes

The result?

Is the Kevin Bloody Wilson WANK TANK

It’s a small shed like room out the back

For the ‘SOLO’ traveler

A perfect little treat for budget conscious – who can’t afford a ‘companion’ on their visit

Or for those who are just chronic masturbators

.

And now, for today’s class:

On our way to Carlisle yesterday we stopped at a historic sight, Furness Abbey to check it out

Not only is it beautiful to see – but it also has a pretty incredible story behind it

Founded in 1123 by Stephen, Count of Blois (close to 900 years ago),^[2] it was built originally for the Order of Savigny.^[3] Located in the ‘Valley of the Deadly Nightshade’ between Dalton-in-Furness and Barrow-in-Furness, the abbey is built entirely out of local sandstone. It passed in 1147 to the Cistercians, who gradually enlarged and rebuilt the original ornate church. The majority of the current ruins date from the 12th and 13th centuries. By the 15th Century it had been completely re-modelled and had become the second richest and most powerful – as well as one of the grandest – Cistercian Abbeys in the UK, behind Fountains Abbey.^[4]

The monks of the abbey were large landowners, and the most powerful body in what was then a remote border territory. In particular, they were heavily influential on theIsle of Man. One of the kings of Mann and the Isles is buried at the abbey, as are many of the Bishops of Sodor and Man. Rushen Abbey on the Isle was built on land owned by the monks.^[5] They also owned mines on the island, and built Piel Castle to control trade between the Furness Peninsula and the Isle of Man. Being about 70 miles down the coast from Scotland, the monks occasionally found themselves in between the regularly warring Scots and English. When Robert the Bruce invaded England, the abbot paid to lodge and support him, rather than risk the wealth and power of the abbey.

The Abbey was disestablished and destroyed in 1537 during the English Reformation under the order of Henry VII.

It now lies in ruins and is a popular tourist attraction, lying on the Cistercian Way — an ancient walk popular with tourists, which used to link the Abbey with the nearby town of Dalton-in-Furness. William Wordsworth visited on a number of occasions and referred to it in his famous 1805 autobiographical poem The Prelude, whilst Turnermade numerous etchings of the Abbey. Other notable tourists include the Theodore Roosevelt family. It was the first unguided visit on their European tour. A young Teddy Roosevelt and his siblings played on the ruins, which, in 1869, were not roped off or restricted.

We don’t usually get a lot of sightseeing in while we’re touring

We generally just go straight from A to B

Yesterday was a nice little detour though

It was Dad’s suggestion and I think it might mean he’s turning into a fossil mellowing in his old age

We took some photos, had a walk around and learned a little about what went on there back in the day

I mean, this was built in 1123

1123?

That’s a long time ago right there people

And it’s still standing!

The English settlers Poms didn’t settle in Australia until 1788

And Christopher Columbus set foot in America in 1492

Makes you realise just how historic Furness Abbey really is

Dad and I were talking about it in the car after we left

He was reading the brochure about it to us

We really just couldn’t get over how long it’s been there, and the fact that it’s still standing

Dad: You wont’ find much architecture from our generation that’ll last like this

Me: I know. This place is like a bazillion years old, almost

And just when I hoped she’s fallen asleep thought mum wasn’t even paying attention, she piped up

I don’t know why you all think it’s so special

If it’s been around all this time, how come they can’t even finish it?

She’s baaaaack

Let the fun begin