I know some of you may have already seen this
But I wanted to share
For those of you that haven’t
We’re in the car on the way to Orange
Where the show is tonight
And Mum & I have watched this on the trip
No less than 14 times so far
And every time
We laugh, snort
And pee a little in our pants
Every. Time.
Does this girl even realise just how fucking awesome she is?
I’m totally starting a fan club
Anyone know her name?
Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they?
Yeah, I’m talking to you!
The two wank-stains in the room next door
I say next door, but you might as well have been in my room
You pair of fuck-knuckles
I could hear every word
Of your drunken gibberish bullshit last night
Or should I say this morning?
I have no problem with you being drunk
It was the volume of your drunkeness that bothered me
And it wasn’t even entertaining
Me?
When I’m wasted, at least I keep it funny as fuck
Just ask…well…umm…just take my word for it, OK?
You two dudes were all knocking over the furniture and giggling like teenage girls
And just when I’d convinced myself you were totally gay and I was preparing myself to what I was about to hear
You know, all the grunting and sloshing around noises that anal sex makes
Well, I had my noise canceling headphones charged up
Traveling Wilburies ready to go on my iPhone
And then you went and called one of your girlfriends
(OK, so your not gay – but you’re still a pair of fuckwits)
You put her on speakerphone
And proceeded to have phone sex
I can’t work out which bit was my favourite
Was it the part when you told her to wait a minute while you went in the bathroom to spew your guts up?
Almost
That was just beaten by the crash you made when you farted and fell off the bed
Thanks for keeping it classy room 18
I think I actually got the most joy from the fact that whoever’s girlfriend she was
She had no idea that your mate was in the room listening
She was completely oblivious the the threesome she was having
This all started o get a little old
AT THREE THIRTY AM
And that is why, at 6am this morning
I put my Billy Blanks Bootcamp Workout DVD in my laptop
Cranked the volume to the max, pressed play
And went for a walk for an hour
Knowing that you’d be woken by the sounds of some dude yelling out, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR
ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR
It’s an awesome way to wake up isn’t it boys?
When I got back from my walk
The DVD was finished
I could hear you stumbling around in your hungover state next door (probably looking for YOUR noise canceling headphones)
Sorry, did I wake you?
Just be sure I did…
I put on Mariah Carey’s Christmas Album (yes, I do have this in my iTunes library – don’t judge me needle-dicks!)
Cranked the volume up again
And went for another walk
You’re welcome mother fuckers
I love eavesdropping
Like, I REALLY like it A LOT
I think we’ve established that
Not sure what that says about me
Oh wait, yeah I do
Sad, can’t mind my own business, get a life
Yeah, yeah
I mean, I know it’s not a good thing sometimes
And there’s every chance you’ll end up hearing something you don’t want to hear
Remember THIS ONE?
And then other times it can be educational
Like when we LEARNT ANOTHER LANGUAGE
Well today it was just funny
Quick question first:
Is it even eavesdropping if you’re listening in on your own kids?
In your own house?
Even if they’re in THEIR toy room?
With the door closed?
Get back to me on that couldya?
So the girls are the toy room
They wanted to watch a movie
I said, SURE
They said, YAY
I said, after you clean your toy room
They said, WHAT THE FUCK MUM BOO!
Then they went in, shut the door and did not start to clean
After a while, I hear them yelling
Miss 6: You are NOT helping clean up
Miss 4: I don’t want to
Miss 6: You HAVE to
Miss 4: You are NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Miss 6: You know, at school they teach us to treat people the way YOU want to be treated. And right now, you’re not treating me very nicely. Is that how you want me to treat you?
Miss 4: I don’t CARE.
Miss 6: You need to LEARN things. You don’t want to end up a dummy do you? I can help you if you let me TEACH you. You know that Daddy taught me that we should work as a TEAM. We’ll get everything done faster.
Miss 4: Well Daddy taught me that I can do ANYTHING if I try hard enough. And I am trying very hard to NOT clean up
Miss 6: Well you know what Mummy taught me?
Miss 4: What?
Miss 6: She taught me that if we don’t be good – we don’t get good things. So if we don’t clean our toy room, we don’t get to watch a movie
Miss 4: Well you know what Mummy taught me?
Miss 6: What?
Miss 4: To chew with my mouth closed.
Aaaannd to always wipe from front to back
At this point Miss 6 storms off….huffing and puffing
And her sister keeps yelling out from the toy room
And she taught me to pick my nose with a TISHEEEEWWWW!
And to wash my hands after I scratch my bum A LOOOOOOT!
And that I have to wear underwear to SCHOOOOOOL!
And to not let the dog sniff my PEEEE PEEEEE!
And to…..
.
That kid is so fucking funny
She’d be twice as funny if she was YOUR kid!