This week’s Dear Jenny is not a letter I received

But I letter I wrote

So maybe I should have called it FROM Jenny?

Anyhoo

Dear People In The Room Next Door

I have written letters before to my hotel neighbors – but this one’s different. I’m not mad at you. Not even remotely.
See, the thing I was unable to avoid hearing you guys ‘going at it’ all afternoon. The plus side? When I got back from the gig, you two had obviously rooted yourself to a state of complete exhaustion, and I heard nothing but silence all night –  so yeah, thanks for that.
Thing is, you were back ‘into it’ again first thing this morning. Annoying? Not so much.
But for a girl who is thousands of miles away from her husband, this is like the fat chick smelling the cookies baking…..that she CAN’T FUCKING EAT!
Comprende?
So while I’m not exactly pissed at you guys, I didn’t need the reminder. Even though Dad is forever letting me know that it’s kind of sad out here on tour, when my parents (aka him & Mum) are getting more action than ME, and are the only people getting laid.
Did that visual make you mouth vomit? Welcome to my world
Anyway peeps, hope you enjoyed your stay. Sure sounds like you did.
We will probably never get to meet face to face before you guys check out – that would be a bit embarrassing wouldn’t it?

Plus, I’ll plan on being a little busy this morning….‘SKYPING’ my husband

Your turn to block your ears!

JT
x

 

I loved so many things about this

The helmet

The moves

The finger pointing

The falsetto

THIS, is why youtube was invented people

But wait…

THERE’S MORE!

She writes her own songs

Oh yes she does

Part 2 of our Oprah adventure

(you can read part 1 here)

After going to bed a 3am

It was hard to muster up much enthusiasm for Sam when she arrived at the hotel at 6am

I think our welcome was a lot like, “….shut up & fuck off”

Lucky she loves us

We got our nice duds on

Which was almost a disaster

I’d picked a cool blue dress in Perth a few days before

And slap-my-arse-and-call-me-Shirley

If Sam didn’t show up with the same fucking dress

The fuck, right?

No dramas

Plan B

I’d go with red

And spend the rest of the day making her feel bad about it

We headed down to the show

With a few more people than Mum & I had seen the day before

Like eleventybillion!

OK, maybe six thousand

5,900 of which were women I reckon

I felt a bit sorry for any blokes that were dragged along for the day

‘Cause I could drag, bribe & beg all I wanted

But Diamond would NEVER come to something like that with me

Just like Sammy’s husband & my Dad wouldn’t either

Which is why we didn’t invite them

Hah!

After security, metal detectors and a couple of hours

We were IN

And not only were we in

But we were 6 rows from the front

Holy-snapping-duck-shit!

We were told not to take any photos during the show

So I ‘borrowed’ some from google for yas!

We got our groove on & had a boogie to the warm up act

Then practiced passing a humungus Aussie flag through the crowd

For the shows big finale

When Oprah finally came out

It was to the sound of 6 thousand Aussie fans LOSING THEIR SHIT

Being in the Chicago studio for a live show last time was deafening

But this

This nearly made my ears bleed

In a good way

It was a jammed packed celebrity show

We didn’t know who was going to be on the show beforehand

But Sam had everything crossed that Hugh Jackman would be one of the guests

And she’d forewarned us that she’d probably be the first person ever thrown out of the Oprah show for Rugby tackling, then kidnapping a guest

So when Oprah announced his name

Sam bolted up started screaming at the top of her lungs

There was some screaming from the rows behind us too

‘Cause Sam’s dress flew up around her armpits

And she showed the world her bum (& other bits) as she bounced & screamed

Sam being Sam, apologized, although I’m pretty sure she really didn’t give a fuck

Which is why I love her

Mum started having a fit when Oprah said Bono was coming out

I had no idea Mum even liked the guy

Turns out Mum thought she said Bon Jovi

Time to crank up the hearing aid Mama, yeah?

Hugh’s entrance was on a massive zip line

From the top of the Opera House

Down to the stage where Oprah was waiting

He came down SO fast

About halfway down I was wondering how the fuck he was going to stop in time

Turns out he didn’t

With a sickening CRASH, he did a face plant into the lighting rig

Everyone was shocked into silence

And we could here his poor kids in the front row crying

Turns out he was OK

And very fucking lucky

He cut his eye, and after a quick break for some medical treatment

And a hug from the paramedic

Was back out and entertaining the masses

Total trooper

The 2 hour filming went so fast

Lots of singing, dancing and yelling

Especially from us 3

And to top it off

Everyone in the audience was given a limited edition white gold “O” necklace

With six Argyle diamonds in it

That’s right, SIX THOUSAND people got one

How’s THAT for complete fuckery?

I nearly wet my pants laughing at Mum & Sam when Oprah told everyone about the necklaces

They did the total ‘Oprah Audience Faces’ that you see on TV

Whenever Oprah does a giveaway to her studio audience

Sam did the silent-two-handed-thrust-pointing-at-the-stage

Like a muted heavy metal fan at a rock concert

Mum did the two-hands-covering-the-top-of-her-head-while-she-slowly-bobbed-up-and-down

Kind of a slow motion version of what you would do if a piano was about to drop on your head

Anyway, you get the idea

Funny as fuck

It was unbelievable!

They let everyone leave in sections

And after most people had left we were still there

Oprah came back out to thank her crew and get photos taken

Then we headed of to celebrate our amazing day

And do some souvineer shopping

Always fun after a few drinks

And a few trays full of shots

What a great way to end my quick trip home

And to share it with Mum & Sam was such a bonus

Even though they are both clearly bad influences

I went to bed feeling very lucky

And woke up feeling like I was recovering from an autopsy

For the second day in a row

And I’d do it all again in a hearbeat

I know some of you may have already seen this

But I wanted to share

For those of you that haven’t

We’re in the car on the way to Orange

Where the show is tonight

And Mum & I have watched this on the trip

No less than 14 times so far

And every time

We laugh, snort

And pee a little in our pants

Every. Time.

Does this girl even realise just how fucking awesome she is?

I’m totally starting a fan club

Anyone know her name?