With some of the best scenery we’ve seen so far this tour

And not just because I was actually awake for this car trip

My jaw wasn’t just dropping from the postcard views out my window either

The conversation inside the car was pretty mind blowing too

Yeah, she’s back with a vengeance

Mum: Wow, look at all the windmills…they are everywhere!

Dad: It’s a good thing

Mum: What are they used for anyway? Is it for electricity or something?

Dad: What, are you stupid? Everyone knows what windmills are for

I thought that’s what they were for too – but then I saw Dad’s face in the rear view mirror and realised he was totally fucking with her

It’s one of our favourite things to do on tour

Mum: I thought it was like an environmental thing, you know to save power and stuff

Dad: Jesus, everyone knows what windmills are for

They’re to create a sea breeze Betty, a SEA BREEZE

 

Mum: Oh, well now I know then too don’t I?

Fark!

I have definitely inherited Mum’s brains

‘Cause Dad still has his

But never fear, she’s back

Over dinner tonight:

Me: I heard Def Leppard are coming to Australia

Mum: Why would anyone want to go and see someone called Deaf Leper?

Me: DEF LEPPARD!

Mum: Whatever…I heard he’s not very good anyway

And speaking of not very good, have you seen that new movie?

Me: Which movie?

Mum: The one with that Itlalian girl…umm…what’s her name..??

Me: What’s the movie called ?

Mum: Umm…oh yeah…Grey Goose?

Me: I haven’t heard about that one

Mum: It has that skinny little girl in it….Natalie Portafino

Me: Do you mean Natalie Portman?

Mum: Yes! That’s her….did you see it? It’s very weird

Me: I think you mean Black Swan Mum.

Feel free to send help.

Mum & I were looking for something to do on our day off

This time, I won’t be so fucking stupid I’m letting Mum pick the activity

The Melbourne Cup

It’s known as “the race that sops a nation”

And it really does

People all over the country stop work for the race

I remember at school we’d get to watch it on TV

Lots of people dress up for it, in their fanciest duds, at racetracks across the country

It’s a very prestigious event, and attracts entrants from all over the globe

Even my mother-in-law in Chicago, a die hard horse racing fan

Knows ALL about the Melbourne Cup

And will no doubt be having a bet on the big race

We’ll be halfway between Ulladulla & Canberra when the race is on

But that’s OK, we’re still going to get in the spirit

The great Aussie tradition of ‘having a flutter on the nags’ is alive and well on the road today

Mum, whose family has always been into horse racing and betting

Has given herself the role of bookie for the day

I think SHARK might be a better term for her

I was barely awake this morning and she’s hitting me up for money

Getting me to draw the names & which horses we get

There’s 6 of us on the road – and 24 horses in the race

4 horses each

Except one’s already been scratched from the race, and she wouldn’t tell us which one

Her words, “…if you get that horse, tough shit”

So I don’t even have to tell you who ended up with that horse

Yeah OK, it was me

Fuck

Thanks for that

I think she’s been watching too much Sopranos

So we’re all set

I’ll let you know how it goes

Hopefully one of my horses will be first across the line

If not I might need to borrow some cash

Or maybe just a place to stay and hideout for a while

Where  the Mafia boss can’t find me

UPDATE: Guess who won? Go on….guess! Who wrote out all the names? Who put them all in the envelope?

Well done Mum, you mobbed up Mama!!

Not only do they get me for a Mum/Aunty

*ahem*

They have, in my humble (& always right) opnion

The best Nanna in the planet

The fun Nanna

The giggly Nanna

Who has more energy that all her grandkids combined

She invented the SILLY

She spoils them rotten

There’s no other kiss in the world, like Nanna’s kiss

This Nanna has the biggest and best laugh. Ever.

Best smile

She’s great at playing games

Going to the beach

These kids are so lucky that she’s theirs

And their Poppy’s not too bad either!

So from me

And your super-dooper lucky grandkids

Have a wonderful birthday Mum/Nanna

Hope you like the photos!

I found some other ones too…

But they were more about red wine that grandkids I think…

(this was the tamest one I found!)

BIRTHDAY UPDATE:

File this under BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER

Even better than the homemade cards and all the gorgeous gifts that came with them

Mum’s oldest, dearest & closest friend, who has been battling cancer & undergoing chemo

Found out today that her tumor is 100% GONE!

So yeah, this will go down as Mum’s best birthday ever

We love you Mrs Bailey!!

In the words of the Sting song, “….I’m so happy that I, can’t stop crying. I’m laughing through my tears…”

That pretty much sums up Mum’s day

And that doesn’t even take into account the sorta night off we ended up having tonight

After the power went out completely in Ulludulla and we had to stop the show one song into Dad’s set

Back to the hotel, in the dark

Celebrating in style

The light in this photo was brought to you by Mum’s birthday candles

And HOLLY’S glow in the dark vibrator

It became pretty obvious that Hollywood had been there first

(You remember how good of a driver he’s NOT, right?)

And had packed his ‘special’ driving skills to bring with him to South Africa

Bless

Then Mum & I went to the markets

And bought some stuff that I guarantee we won’t wear

Ever

But couldn’t resist at the time

Like these stunners!

We Skyped my girls when we got back to the hotel while we were still wearing the hats

And Miss 6  & Miss 4 were like, who are those beautiful hats for?

We LOVE THEM!

So that’s their presents sorted then

As you can tell by the above pic

The locals thought we were utter fucktards

No biggy

It’s not like we didn’t know that already

We stopped to see a street play on the way back to the hotel

There was probably 200 people standing around watching these guys perform

They weren’t speaking in English, so they kind of lost us

But the crowd were going crazy for them

One of the actors had his face painted white

And a fake pregnant belly on

As we walked past

He stopped, pointed to us, said something

And the crowd ROARED!

So we just smiled and waved

Trying to pretend like we knew what he said

Then he said something else

And everyone turned to look at us

Busted out laughing

And started pointing too

Mum’s: Why are they laughing at us?

What do you think he said?

Me: No doubt something about how totally hot we look in our new hats

Mum: You think?

Me: No. He probably said , hey there goes my sister! The blonde one!

With the white face & the big belly just like me!!

Mum: Yeah, that makes more sense

Nice Mum

Nice

That’s another area where I take after my Dad

Since I can remember, she’s played everything

Hockey

Softball

Tennis

Swimming

Golf

She’s just got to be moving at all times

Where as Dad & I are really good at staying still

Comatosed even

When she sits down at the end of the day

She usually falls asleep within minutes ’cause she’s gotta be fucking knackered

With all of this craziness sport comes the inevitable injuries

She’s broken her wrist, her fingers

Been stitched up from arsehole to breakfast from head to toe over the years

This is where I think the whole, ‘exercise is good for you’ becomes bullshit

‘Cause if it’s so good for you, it shouldn’t hurt, right?

But all of that doesn’t seem to bother Mum

So, it was no big surprise when I got a call from Mum last week

Telling me that she was on crutches

She’d been playing softball and was sliding into home base

And when she got up, she’d split her leg open

And I’m like, dude – aren’t you playing like old people veteran’s softball?

Maybe you guys should be wheeling each other into home base

Not sliding into it

Like kamikaze ninjas on crack

And she’s all, oh fuck off don’t worry, I’m fine

I’ll have the leg brace off in time to play in the finals next week

.

And that right there is where I have learnt my theory on parenting

.

If you can’t be a good example

Be a horrible warning

I’m close to my family in Australia

And wanted them to be a big part of my kids lives as well

I worried that my Mum & Dad would be strangers to them, whenever they DID see them

And that they wouldn’t even know my brother at all

Well, I needn’t have worried

Because when the girls DO get to see my family

It’s non-stop

Playing

Playing

PLAYING!

.

Mum arrived yesterday

She’s going to supervise the prisoners watch the kids while Diamond & I run away from home go on vacay

And the girls are showing NO signs that they’re going to miss us

“When are you LEAVING?”

“Why are you 2 still HERE?”

“Shouldn’t you be going to the AIRPORT?”

So yeah, they can’t wait for us to go

To have Nanna to themselves

To see what they can get away with

Um, I already know the answer to that

EVERYTHING

.

And it’s all good

‘Cause although they may not have seen their Nanna for 6 months

They ADORE her

And she’s a HUGE part of their life

.

No Poppy on this trip though

He’s parole officer won’t let him travel overseas working

Plus we really have to limit the kids exposure to him

And as far as letting him be around them to teach them dirty words when I’m not here to keep him in line

What am I fucking stupid?

Not happening!

And it’s over 100 degrees (40C) in Perth right now

Compared to 20 degrees (6C) here

I’m thinking that might be ‘quite’ the fucking shock to her system

Nothing that a big coat, hat, gloves, scarf, boots & a stiff drink won’t fix

She’ll be fine

But I am a little concerned about her getting around

And walking on ice

Even people that live in this stuff all the time go arse over tit sometimes

.

And driving in the snow?

I’m thinking someone else should do the driving for her

And maybe the walking too

Just to be safe

You know, one of those, OH BETTY moments?

Well wait no more, she’s in fine form and raring to go

It was after the show in Swansea last night

I was standing behind the merch counter with Mum and Anne

It was pretty much time for me to watch them packing everything away

We were just talking and chatting

Girly stuff, you know?

Anne and I were comparing perfurmes

I’d just starting wearing a new one, and she was smelling my wrist

Then I was asking what she was wearing, and smelling her wrist

I know, us chicks are weird like that

Then Mum says

Come over here and smell mine

Me: What perfume are you wearing?

Mum: I’m not wearing any

Me: Well what am I supposed to smell then?

Mum: My fart that I just did

We all started pissing ourselves laughing ’cause we’re immature like that

And at that same moment, a guy walks up to the merch counter

Hi, can I buy a cd please?

We couldn’t even talk to him we were laughing so hard

Man: Did I do something?

Why are you all laughing?

Me: Don’t worry mate, we’re not laughing at you

I felt bad for him

He got his cd, but I think we gave him a complex

I think he really did believe we were laughing at him

So, man from last night

I apologise if we made you feel bad

Oh yeah, and for the smell too

I’m Mum’s really sorry about that