I don’t even know where to start with this
Deep breath….
Here we go
I left Chicago Sunday night to fly into London for some shows
Uneventful flight made more pleasant by the old lady next to me that smelt like vanilla
Yum
Got off the plane & lined up for immigration
That’s the part where they check your paperwork, if you have any – and stamp your passport
Then send you on your way
I’ve done it more times than I can remember
Piece of piss really
Ummm…yeah….not this time
Apparently I didn’t have sufficient paperwork with me
Then the questions started
What did I do? Was I going to be earning money? What name did I perform under? Why do I travel to the UK so often?
Then I was asked to ‘take a seat’ while the man went away to do fuck knows what
He came back about 10 minutes later with printouts from my website
Pages of it
And yeah, he was holding ALL the BAD PENIS TATTOO THURSDAY pics too
Oh, joy
Then he asked me to come with him as they ‘weren’t satisfied with my reasons for entering the country’
They took my mugshot
I tried to be all cute & pouty like Lindsay & Paris
But I’m pretty sure I ended up giving him my best ‘fuck this shit’ face
Then I was asked to sign some forms
One of them stated that, “…if I was detained for more than 8 days, I had the right to appeal”
EIGHT FUCKING DAYS?
So yeah, I said I wouldn’t sign that one
He said I had to
I said no I didn’t
I was earning browny points left, right & fucking centre with this dude
He asked me to follow him and proceeded to tell me that, where he was taking me wasn’t really that pleasant, and a little uncomfortable – but it was where any detainees had to be held and I wouldn’t be there for long
A detainee?
Isn’t that someone that’s trying to do something illegal? Like immigrate illegally or smuggle drugs
Neither of which I was trying to do
Then he and another man took all my stuff & searched me
They took my phone, my bag, my water, my computer my TWIZZLERS, and a little piece of my dignity
I wasn’t allowed to have anything with me
This day was turning to shit at a rapid pace
So I was put in a room with 8 other people
Make that 8 men
That didn’t appear to speak english (to me anyway)
And spent most of their time on the public phone, praying to Allah, or giving me filthy looks
Oh yeah, the public phone? I asked for change so that I could use it to make a call, and was told there wasn’t any
All the coins had been given to my fellow inmates
My roomies were fucktards
At least I didn’t have to worry about becoming anyone’s prison bitch – I was very happy to not be their type
A lady came & got me for an interview
Yeah, I thought – a woman – she’ll be nicer and we’ll get this shit sorted
Oh, how wrong I was
Immigration lady had herself a raging case of PMS – or maybe she was just born a bitch
I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt
She wanted to know was I married, how many kids, what did my husband do, why were there penis’ on my website?
It was pretty much the suckiest interview ever
Then she took me back to the room from hell – where my 8 buds were so happy so see me
Like, look up from their Korans – spit on the floor, kind of happy
So as they prayed, I sang “God Bless All the Little Children” as loud as I could
And it may come as a shock, but I couldn’t remember the the words
So I belted out an inspired (if I do say so myself) version of D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F
And I know, maybe this post is taking on a racist tone
But you know what?
I wasn’t given a prayer mate
So what if I don’t pray? I totally could have done some yoga
They were given toiletry bags, with toothpaste etc
I wasn’t
But I’m taking that as a compliment
Because I smelt like a bed of roses and didn’t need one – and they smelt like moldy goats
Soooooo
Seven hours and six more interviews later
That’s right, SEVEN FUCKING HOURS
I was deemed unwelcome and refused entry
Even as I type that I can’t quite believe it
Are you fucking kidding me?
When I work in the UK, I put money INTO the economy
Granted, it’s not a squillion dollars
But fuck – I pay taxes
And this time they tell me I require different paperwork – as it’s a ‘grey area’ and subject to interpretation
Really? I would expect that immigration issues should be pretty black & white
And not subject to the whims & moods of the person that happens to be working the day I enter the country
So it could have gone either way for me
As I’m typing this from my office in Chicago, I think you all know which way it DID end up going for me
I was escorted through London airport by 3 immigration officers
All the way onto the plane
I asked to stop to go to the toilet
They said no
I asked to stop so I could buy a bottle of water
They said no
Yesterday was officially one of the most ball-sucking days I have ever had
And I appreciate there are so many people out there that have it worse
But I’m pissed
I’m pissed that I was treated like a fucking criminal, fingerprinted and all
I’m pissed that my 8 buddies were ALL permitted to stay in the country
And I’m really pissed that the shows had to be cancelled
I’m sorry to all of you that were coming out to see me
Starting today, I am going to try to reschedule them, and also add in some extra places
I guess that’s a good thing, yeah?
I’m also going to make sure I have MORE than enough paperwork to satisfy the ‘powers that be’ next time I head to the UK
Passport, work visas, itinerary, birth certificate, baby album, grocery shopping list, love letters, school report cards
You name it, I’ll fucking have it
I’m bummed I’m not going to get to catch up with some of my buds that were coming to the shows
I’ll be back though, I promise
I just need to make sure they let me in next time
Anyone know where I can buy a Burka?
*UPDATE*
Just found out that 3 of the 4 shows were sold out, which is kinda awesome – and kinda sucky too ’cause I can’t do the shows!
You know what, you guys are fucking brilliant – your comments, emails etc have been overwhelming. Overwhelmingly cool, funny, supportive and just plain fucking great. THANK YOU!
New tour dates & venues will be posted soon – but mark these dates in your calendars: 17th - 31st January 2011
I’m going to try again!! x
