happily eva-after?

OK, I’d like to start this post of with a tip for all you married fellas
If you have a conversation with your wife that you start with, “…OK, so don’t be mad at me….BUT….”
She IS going to be mad at you
Instantly PISSED
Especially if you are Skyping each other from thousands of miles away
And you’re obviously hiding something behind your back, so she can’t see it

Then, in a big reveal, you bring around to the front what you’ve been hiding
AND IT’S A FUCKING DOG!

Yeah that.
That is what happened in my world last week
And it’s taken me days….DAYS I say, to calm down enough to share with you guys

I was SO pms ranty and yelling, “…Jesus motherfucking Christ, what is wrong with you?? Another dog?”

When the last ‘should we get another dog’ discussion we had, mentioned the words, absolutely not, and no fucking way, more than once. From both of us.
We have the Fluffinator. A 150 pound ball of white, barking fur.
And we adore him.
But he does NOT need a friend, for fuck’s sake
He is a (lovable) beast that is more than enough for one household thankyouverymuch.

I was thinking Diamond must have lost the plot since I’ve been away on tour.
Another dog! He’s gone fucking mental.
Can someone stop by and pick up my kids?
But……after having a few wines thinking about it though, it would seem it might in fact, be the opposite

Because…

A) I am on the other side of the world and can do nothing about it
B) it (better fucking be) will be toilet trained by the time I get back
C) she will be more a part of the family THAN ME when I eventually DO get home

Well fucking played Diamond
Well fucking played

Her name is Eva
She’s a Puggle
Which for the record, isn’t even a REAL breed of dog
It a bastard ‘BITSA’. Which is a bit of a Pug, and a bit of a Beagle.
I just saw them for sale at Harrods over here in the UK…..for £2,000
Yes, you read right. TWO THOUSAND POUNDS. As in $3100 US or Australian dollars.
For a fucking dog
Not. Joking.
I told Diamond this little ball of floppy black ears better have been found abandoned on the side of the road with a sign around her neck saying, “Free to good home”

But Magoo, bless her cotton socks, is forever looking on the bright side,

“…Mummy, I wanted a little brother, and I have Fluffy.
And then I wanted a little sister too, and now I have Eva.

And you didn’t even have to hatch her out of your pee pee!
You’re going to love her Mama!”

You know…..she might just be right.
Don’t you dare tell Diamond I said that.

good times. or not.

This video takes me back to my happy place

It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

bahama mama

File this one under best trip ever

Diamond & I took 2 short flights to reach our destination

Short, as in he still whined like a baby, got bored & flattened the battery on his iPad playing Angry Birds

He’s THAT good at traveling

And the REAL reason I have noise canceling headphones

But once we arrive

He’s a whole new ball of wax

Excited, hyper

And ready to drink

That’s my boy

They decorated our room every day with flowers

Which were a beautiful touch

Now, if they could just tell my how to get the stains off my PJ’s

From laying, OK passing out, on floral decorated sheets

Every night, a different animal made from towels

You should’ve seen the mating kangaroo display they made us!

OK, that didn’t happen

Doesn’t mean I didn’t request it

Then there was plenty of this

That go make your head go fuzzy-fuck-weeeeee-I-can-dance-holy-shit-thud!

Or these

That make your pants go what-the-fuck-bitch-there-is-no-way-you-can-do-me-up-now-you-greedy-cow!

My days were spent here

Or to change it up, and possibly move closer to the bar

I would hang out here

Then there’s all the swimming, running on the beach, swimsuit pictures

I’ll post them soon

Sure I will.