in case of emergency…

I am currently in the middle of day 2, alternating between the couch and my bed

Dying

You may well call it the flu, but being the boss of the drama queens won’t allow me to refer to it as anything other than a probably fatal disease contracted from the germy kindergarteners at Magoo’s school computer class that I help with every week

I should say, USED to help with. I’m currently on strike, on account of the horny red headed 6 year old mini-dude that keeps calling me over to his desk to ask me a question and then ‘accidentally’ touching my boobs when I lean over to see his monitor. Turd.

The girls have been home from school yesterday and today as well

They’re better today than yesterday, and should be good-to-go back to school tomorrow

Plus, I’m pretty sure they just have COLDS

And no idea of what it is to be truly, TRULY-RULY suffering

My husband has made soup for me, brought his girls blankets & books and cooked dinner

He’s been completely sympathetic if you don’t count not taking me to the hospital or helping me draft a will, when I’m obviously on my death bed

Anyhoo, even in my darkest hour, my mind thinks of you guys – and what I can do to help YOU despite not one get well / sympathy card from you fuckers

So, in the invent of you finding yourself in my woeful situation, I have compiled a list of MUST HAVE tools for you to not only survive

But possibly thrive…..leading you to be cured, and me to be known throughout the world as the Magic Midget Madam of Miracles!

 

Firstly, headphones. Preferably noise canceling ones. Not because you want to be able to ignore the outside world and the cries of your starving children. You NEED be able to hear the voice inside your head. The one that tells you that yes, you can eat the last of your husband’s Tim Tams. Even Jesus and death row inmates get to have a last supper.

This lap desk thingy is actually kind of annoying and uncomfortable. But when your husband believes he really outdid himself getting you this as a Christmas gift – you should humor him. It will get you more soup.

Ask your friends on Facebook for book recommendations. Then completely ignore all their advice and download this one. It’s long. Really fucking long. 4 chapters in you will be out like a light. The moral of this story is that a $10 book is cheaper and better for your liver than flu drugs and sleeping tablets. Plus, you can use it every night, it’s not like you’re ever going to finish the fucker

Oh Netflix, what did I ever do before you came into my life? besides sit on my arse WAY less This genius creation allows you to watch years and YEARS of crap old TV shows that you loved as a kid. Movies that you would had NEVER paid a cent to go and see in the theatre. And fall in love with series that you may have otherwise gone through life oblivious too. Tanked, Aryan Brotherhood anyone..??….huh?? Yeah, go get you some of that shit, you know you wanna

Now these, THESE are a must have. Any other time, these tissues with lotion leave a slimy residue on your face – like an invisible snot trail. But in the throws of a mucus-fest, these things are necessary to prevent a red, raw schnoz. And more needless suffering.

Lastly, you’ll need some kind of bubbly soft drink. My Mum says that flat Sprite (or lemonade as we call it in Australia) will always make an upset tummy feel better. I have since since learnt that this old wive’s tale is true. Especially for old wives that like to have a tipple of vodka without the family thinking they’re a drunk catching on. It’ll cure what ails ya. Or, along with the aforementioned book, will render you comatosed

I suggest having all of the above at the ready in case you are ever faced with the flu your own emergency health crisis

Or just call an ambulance

 

PS – I know I give him shit, but my husband really is the best. Yes, he DID just sit down next to me

 

 

 

 

randomness & snot

The last week has been a bit of a blur

A good blur

But blurry none the less

I’m writing this from my hotel room in Darwin

I start the 1st of 5 Northern Territory shows with Dad tonight

4 out of the 5 gigs are at places I’ve never been to

So I’m totally hanging out to offend some new people with my fuck songs excited for those shows

Once I’m a bit more back on deck, & the antibiotics kick in

Nothing major, just another dose of the clap throat/sinus infection

The usual shit

I feel OK, just a bit ripped off that none of it is sexually transmitted

But when I catch up a bit more on my sleep etc, I’ll post some more detailed blogs from the trip so far

You know, like what I wore, how many times I went to the toilet each day

The important stuff

Anyhoo

Wanted to post some random pics in the meantime

Let’s start with the Geraldton show

The drive there started off full of piss & vinegar

But mainly piss

And somo sight seeing stops too

These were too big to steal take home in my purse

But I would totally have bought these if they were salt & pepper shakers

Who wouldn’t want two little roos sniffing eachother’s bums sitting on their dinner table every night?

It’s finds like these that remind me what an awesome interior decorator I wouldn’t would have made

.

Next night was the Perth show at the Pig & Whistle

Dad came along to drink the bar dry watch

And was reasonably well behaved

If you don’t count the 15 sets of tits he signed

But I think I may have outdone him

Take THAT Dad!

.

It was after this show that Heiny & I took our pussy pill

And decided to fly to the rest of the shows

I’m pretty sure that the large amount of vitamin C

And lack of vitamin ‘W’

Was contributing to my knackered-ness

I am working on rectifying this imbalance by glueing a wine glass to my right hand

.

Next stop was my hometown of Kalgoorlie

Where I went right back to where it all began

Accident and emegency

I’ll let you work out which one I was

.

This is a statue of Paddy Hannan

It seems a lot different since they cleaned the graffiti I wrote on it smaller than when I was a kid

This has nothing to do with the fact that I wear size buffalo I’m bigger

It was good to see Kalgoorlie again

It’s the place where all my memories begin

And I’ll blog more about that when I can fucking remember them

Then it was back on a plane with Heiny

To head off to Darwin to meet up with Ma & Pa

After a quick stopover in Perth

Where I met Julian Clary at the airport

I’ve always been a fan of his and I felt like a total dork asking him for a photo

He is, I’m happy to report, a very tall top bloke

And I’m pretty sure he wanted me

You know, as much as a raging pommy poof can want a hetro hairy sheila

And he even tweeted about me afterwards

And then I, of course, cracked a moisty

LOVE HIM!

.

Then it was a quick stop again in Alice Springs

I booked my flights myself, so I have no one else to blame for the milk run I found myself on

Mum & Dad however, were on a direct flight

AAAANNND, my brother was the pilot

So it WAS probably for the best that I wasn’t on THAT flight

‘Cause you know how they don’t let the WHOLE Royal Family fly together

In case the plane goes down?

Well, that’s how it is with our family

We’d need one of us alive to carry on the family tradition

Of  saying fuck for a living cultural enrichment for the masses

.

Mum picked me up at the airport in Darwin & we headed straight to our favourite restaurant

On the planet

CHRISTO’S

I’ve got some great pics of the awesome location

And even better food

This is not one of them

I was more about the eatin’ than the pic takin’, you know?

.

To be continued…