I saw these really cute books the other day

And bought one for each of the girls

I have to fill them in – I figured it’s something that I could do on some of the longer car rides this tour

And then I had a total brain fart

YOU GUYS could help me!

Are you in?

Of course you are

I’ll even make it multiple choice for all the slowies

A) all of the above

B) a tiger, because  breastfeeding you, nearly wore my nipples out

C) a monkey, because you’re so cute & cuddly

A) the way you walk around the house in your underwear or naked. All. The. Time.

B) when you laugh to yourself, at absolutely nothing. All. The. Time and you’ll probably need to medicated when you reach your teens

C) when you come and lay on the end of my bed in the mornings, just so you can “….be right there when you wake up Mummy”

A) how the fuck did THAT come out of ME?

B) why does your head look like a pyramid?

C) that I would love you, so fiercely & unconditionally, every day for the rest of my life

A) nose picking

B) farting in restaurants

C) making your Mummy proud

A) get a really good paying job ’cause your parents want to live in a fancy nursing home with a spa room & a view

B) learn patience because people are really fucking stupid

C) have babies. Have 2 of them. I promise you it will be THE best thing you EVER do.

x

…are unbelievable

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?

Seven years ago today

I was a bloated mess

Pregnant, uncomfortable & 2 weeks over my due date

I was miserable

I went to bed and couldn’t sleep

I realised I was getting woken up every 10 minutes or so

And because I am a genius, it took me ’til 2 o’clock in the morning to realize what was keeping me awake

Contractions

DUH

They were 6 minutes apart & from what I could remember from the one & only birthing class we went to (Diamond kept making jokes during the real life birth video & I fell asleep = fail)

6 minutes apart meant, time to go to the hospital

We got in the car, no rush – I was feeling OK – and started the 20 minute drive to the hospital

It was the middle of the night, so no traffic to contend with

My contractions started coming pretty fast once we got in the car – like one after the other, after the other

After the fucking other

Game on

Diamond, excited to have permission, put the pedal to the medal and started to DUH-RIVE!

3 blocks later we were pulled over by the police

Diamond explained that his wife was in labor – the cop took one look at the moaning whale (me) in the passenger seat, and said, GO!

No babies on the side of the road for me thankyouverymuch

We got to the hospital – Diamond actually skidded into the emergency bay

I couldn’t get out of the car without help – so he bolted off to get me a wheelchair

I’m surprised he didn’t do a ‘Dukes of Hazzard butt slide’ across the front of the car

I got a wheelchair, checked in, and they sent me up to the labor ward

The head labor nurse (otherwise known as the mole from hell) said they couldn’t give me a room until they established that I was, in fact, IN labor

So while she was examining me ‘down there’ my water broke (or maybe I should say gushed) all over her head – then I threw up on her shoes

How do ya like me now?

So yeah, it was ‘established’ I was in labor and they gave me a room

My first order of business was to whine, nag & beg until they agreed to get me an epidural

I had heard that sometimes hospitals get busy, and if there’s an emergency delivery, the anesthesiologist can become flat out busy and unavailable for the ‘normal’ births

While I was hoping to have one of the ‘normal’ births, there was no-way-in-fucking-hell I was doing this shit without the drugs

Nuh-uh

Bring on the elephant tranquilizers

I had watched my best friend a few years before (because I was NEVER having kids and it didn’t matter if it put me off) give birth, and it was HO-RRI-BLE!

But watching her had me thinking, well, that’s worse case scenario – so there’s no way I’ll have it like that

2 hours later, after a bit if huffing and a puffing, a pushing and a whooshing – out she came

The end

I fucking WISH that was how it happened

Some 26 hours later

With Diamond not leaving my side once

My Mum standing there with the video camera that she never turned on

My Dad downstairs in the cafeteria entertaining the locals and taking bets on what time his new grand-baby would be born

Me, with more epidural top ups than I can remember

100+ stitches

And a level of exhaustion I had never known

Out she came

They took her away

I finally got to hold her after a few hours

Then she was in ICU for a few says

Then she was ours

She is so smart

So interested in EVERYTHING

So funny

So inquisitive

So pretty

So tall

So determined

So good to her little sister

And my favourite thing?

When she walks with me

She ALWAYS holds my hand

She just wraps her beautiful long fingers around mine, and leans into me

She’s 7 today

And like Mrs Magoo

She wants to be called by her ‘Poppy’ name

So Happy Birthday Mrs Macaroni & Cheese

I love being your Mummy…

5 years ago I was a Mum of a 2 year old daughter

I was slowly getting the hang of the whole ‘parenting’ thing

It didn’t come easily

I struggled a lot in the early days

I wouldn’t change any of that, given the chance

Because when I finally DID start to get my shit together

I felt that I’d EARNT it

And I appreciated the hell out of it

This little girl that called me Mama

The best thing that ever happened to me

Besides her Daddy

When all was finally right with my world

We decided to ‘do it again’

Make our little girl a ‘big sister’

I finally had a handle on being a Mum

So bring on number 2

I’ve got this licked

And oh my God

Along came another little girl

Who rocked my world

Everything I knew about parenting

Was fucking useless with this kid

She was a force of nature

She ate constantly

And breastfeeding her was akin to feeding a rabid tiger cub

Eight times a day!

And the homemade food that I religiously fed her sister

No way dude

Give me the crap in a jar she wailed

And sleep?

Yeah, if she felt like it

Certainly not at night time, that’s for sure

Nap all day

Party through the night

She was a piece of work

And you know what?

Nothing’s changed

She’s still a piece of work

A little rock star who never stops dancing

Always singing

Smiling non-stop

The cheekiest little kid I’ve EVER met

While her big sister made me a mother

And I couldn’t fathom loving another child as much as her

This kid came along and showed me just how big my heart could grow

I adore her

She lights up my day, every day

Her hugs are magic

She is equal parts sweet & punk

Her sense of humour is brilliant

She is perfect

And today she is no longer Miss 4

Today she turns 5

And now wants to be referred to by her favourite nickname

The one that her Poppy gave her

So Happy 5th birthday Mrs Magoo

Mummy’s little Bubbaloo