How long ago was Mother’s Day?

Like, 10 days ago or something wasn’t it?

Well Miss 4 will NOT shut up about it

She’s all,

Why do you get a day?

And Daddy get’s a day

And Jesus gets a day

Jesus gets a day?

Why don’t KIDS get a day?

It’s totally NOT fair Mummy

I then I can’t believe I sound just like my mother say,

It’s kids days EVERY DAY dude

You get toys sometimes when it’s not your birthday OR Christmas JUST BECAUSE

Someone makes all your meals for you EVERY DAY

Someone some days still has to used to even wipe your BUM

And you have a Princess bedroom that hurts my eyes with it/s pink/yellow/purple/baby blue walls

And she’s all like,

Well I still don’t think it’s fair

So I resorted to

Well you’ll just have to write a letter then

I say this, because she can’t write yet and I’m a bitch

Well I will then!

Who do I send it to?

Shit, didn’t think of that

This dude. You send it to this dude

I show her a picture, and her face gets all screwed up

Why do I send it to him? Who is he?

‘Cause this is the bitch one that has a Mother’s Day AND a Father’s Day

Her

Oh my gosh, really?

That is SOOOO selfish

Where’s a pen?

 

Put on a pair of thongs this morning and nearly threw up on myself

And by thongs, I’m talking Aussie here

That’s flip-flops to my U.S. mates

And my Pommy mates

Well, I’m pretty sure it’s never been warm enough to wear them over there

Just so you know, they are SUMMER footwear for people too lazy/cheap to buy/wear real shoes

‘Cause dude, my feet were in BAD shape

I’m talking lifetime members to skansville

Grody to the MAX!

So I decided to dust of some of my vouchers I got a while back, for the local nail place

And hoped they’d still be valid 2 years later

This is something that I would usually do on my own

Go to the nail place at the mall

Comfy massage chair

Warm water for my tootsies

Coffee

Magazine

Little snooze

But Diamond was working his arse off doing some tiling around the house

And being the champ that I pretend to be am

I was all like, SURE.…..I’ll take the girls with me

While inside, I was thinking about all those women I’d seen before

At the nail place with their kids

And I would stare at them, all what the fuck lady – you’re paying for your TODDLER to get a manicure?

Money to burn dipshit or what?

And this reminded me of all the other times that I may have been a little judge-y about peoples parenting methods

BEFORE I was a parent

Back when I knew fucking everything

So today, I was going to be one of THOSE women

Taking her 2 little girls into the nail salon

And I told myself that there was no way I was going to pay for them to have their ant sized fingernails painted

They could just sit and watch me do some colouring or read a book

I had the best intentions

Then we got there

And the lady that runs the place’s little boy, goes to school with Miss 6 and she was all, let me do their nails, they’re so cute – but I was all, well no ’cause I’m trying to prove a point here that I think women that get their little girl’s fingernails done are fucktards and I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I am SOOO the opposite of a fucktard – but then Miss 6 & Miss 4 looked at me with those oh my God is it too late to get another Mum ’cause this one invented embarrassment pleeeease can we get our nails painted and the boss lady was all, it’ll only be $5 and I’m like $5? for both? well OK then cause my gift certificate will totally cover that ’cause you’ve been such good girls and I’m feeling a bit awesome today…

Short story?

I caved

We all got our nails done

You know what’s scary?

They were SOOO excited

Like Disneyland excited

WAH?

Does that mean I’m one of  ’those’ Mum’s now?

‘Cause Miss 6 asked if we could go back & do it again

And I said SURE

When you get a job

And I suggested, well, I’m a really good nail painter

Next time I’ll do them for you at home – for FREE!

She just gave me that uuggh you’re a DORK woman GAH – I give up look

So I think I may have screwed myself

But I have a plan

I’ll tell her that if we’re going to start doing ’special’  big girl ‘girly’ things together

We have to do ALL the girly things together

I reckon if I took them ONE time to the beautician

To observe the clearing of the forest that is my vajay jay a bikini wax

They’d be all about staying home and watching the shit out of Sponge Bob

.

Hah!

I win.