I was slowly getting the hang of the whole ‘parenting’ thing

It didn’t come easily

I struggled a lot in the early days

I wouldn’t change any of that, given the chance

Because when I finally DID start to get my shit together

I felt that I’d EARNT it

And I appreciated the hell out of it

This little girl that called me Mama

The best thing that ever happened to me

Besides her Daddy

When all was finally right with my world

We decided to ‘do it again’

Make our little girl a ‘big sister’

I finally had a handle on being a Mum

So bring on number 2

I’ve got this licked

And oh my God

Along came another little girl

Who rocked my world

Everything I knew about parenting

Was fucking useless with this kid

She was a force of nature

She ate constantly

And breastfeeding her was akin to feeding a rabid tiger cub

Eight times a day!

And the homemade food that I religiously fed her sister

No way dude

Give me the crap in a jar she wailed

And sleep?

Yeah, if she felt like it

Certainly not at night time, that’s for sure

Nap all day

Party through the night

She was a piece of work

And you know what?

Nothing’s changed

She’s still a piece of work

A little rock star who never stops dancing

Always singing

Smiling non-stop

The cheekiest little kid I’ve EVER met

While her big sister made me a mother

And I couldn’t fathom loving another child as much as her

This kid came along and showed me just how big my heart could grow

I adore her

She lights up my day, every day

Her hugs are magic

She is equal parts sweet & punk

Her sense of humour is brilliant

She is perfect

And today she is no longer Miss 4

Today she turns 5

And now wants to be referred to by her favourite nickname

The one that her Poppy gave her

So Happy 5th birthday Mrs Magoo

Mummy’s little Bubbaloo

Starts 1st grade today

And I will not cry

(anymore)

WILL not cry

(anymore)

Will NOT cry

(anymore)

Will not CRY

(anymore)

This is not working

MUST not cry?

(anymore)

OK, maybe just a little

(more)

I am a joke

Where did my baby girl go?

This parenting gig is bullshit

.

I GOT SUNSHI-I-I-NE

ON A CLOUDY DAY

WHEN IT’S COLD OUTSI-I-I-DE

I GOT THE MONTH OF MAY

I

GUESS

YOU

SAY

WHAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY?

MY GIRLS

(your turn…MY GIRLS! MY GIRLS!)

TALKING ‘BOUT MY GIRLS

MY GIRLS!

.

Decided to take the girls downtown for the day this week

They love catching the train (& I hate driving down there) so we did

Then we walked for a while

And Miss 4 said, this was the BESTEST DAY OF HER LIFE!

Until I told her that the only reason I brought the stroller with us, was to carry all our shit

And it wasn’t for her to be pushed around in

I’m like, dude, you’re nearly 5 & hardly even FIT in it anymore

At which point she declared it, THE WORSTEST DAY EVER OF HER LIFE!

.

But she got over that shit quick

As soon as she saw this

After a quick double-layer-head-to-toe-spray of sun block

The girls took off

These water-spraying-big-block-thingies-with-ugly-people’s-faces-on-them

Are called the THE CROWN FOUNTAIN

And they’re located at the entrance of MILLENIUM PARK

They’re so much fun for the kids

Kinda weird looking

But an awesome place to hang out and cool off on a hot Chicago day

Why they chose butt-ugly people’s mugs to put on them I’ll never know

And the spitting water thing looks pretty grody, but the kids lost their MINDS whenever it started

Next time they’re bored at home, I’m taking them out the back yard & spitting my sprite all over them

They’ll FLIP!

Because I am creative and obviously awesome at this motherhood caper

.

After they rolled around in the water with all the other germy, snotty-nosed kids & I covered them in hand sanitizer

They girls raced off to go and see the ‘BEAN’

Raced, as in – didn’t want to put on any clothes first

Oh, to be 4 & 6 again

And have a butt that doesn’t jiggle or frighten people when you run

It’s pretty cool looking, huh?

I mean, I get that it’s weird

And probably cost the city of Chiacgo a gazillion bucks

But as far as obscure-arty-farty-lumps-of-junk go

I think this one is awesome

Everyone refers to it as the BEAN

But Miss 6 insisted on calling it  CLOUD GATE

Which is it’s ‘proper’ name

She’s also taken to calling me ‘MOTHER’

And informing me that my constant photo taking was ‘not to her liking’

Which made me take more photos

Picnic in the park

With lots of yummy food

That I couldn’t eat because I had oral surgery this week

And I know you’re thinking, what the fuck JT, do you LIVE at the dentist or what?

And I understand that question – ’cause of THIS

Then THIS

Which fucking led to THIS

Anyhoo – I’ve spent the week living on pureed everything, so no picnic food for myself

.

We starting hearing some music in the distance

So we headed over to check it out

It was the MILLENIUM / GRANT PARK ORCHESTRA rehearsing

The girls thought it sounded like the soundtrack to a Disney movie

Which is really their only exposure to classical music up until now

But I believe their exposure to Elvis (blame Diamond), Cyndi Lauper, The Grateful Dead, Bonnie Raitt & INXS is good enough to make them well-rounded music lovers

I’m hoping the early years spent listening to Miley Cyrus fades from their memories

Miss 4 finally got her way (because her big sister is a softy)

And got in the stroller

And we walked over to BUCKINGHAM FOUNTAIN

Which I’m told is better to see at night time

When they have a light show

The girls were a little disappointed they weren’t allowed to play ‘in it’

Like they did in the Crown Fountain

Miss 4 showed her displeasure by getting her head caught in the railing

And once Miss 6 & I stopped laughing, we joined forces to pull her out

Of course, that’s the ONE thing I DON’T have pics of

Being a busy rescue-mother and all

Anyhoo

It was a pretty great day with my girls

They are so much fun to just hang out with

I must have worn them out ’cause they slept all the way home in the train

And the bonus?

Including icecream, the whole day cost under $20!

Of course that doesn’t include the $50 parking fine I got at the train station

Fuck

Like, 10 days ago or something wasn’t it?

Well Miss 4 will NOT shut up about it

She’s all,

Why do you get a day?

And Daddy get’s a day

And Jesus gets a day

Jesus gets a day?

Why don’t KIDS get a day?

It’s totally NOT fair Mummy

I then I can’t believe I sound just like my mother say,

It’s kids days EVERY DAY dude

You get toys sometimes when it’s not your birthday OR Christmas JUST BECAUSE

Someone makes all your meals for you EVERY DAY

Someone some days still has to used to even wipe your BUM

And you have a Princess bedroom that hurts my eyes with it/s pink/yellow/purple/baby blue walls

And she’s all like,

Well I still don’t think it’s fair

So I resorted to

Well you’ll just have to write a letter then

I say this, because she can’t write yet and I’m a bitch

Well I will then!

Who do I send it to?

Shit, didn’t think of that

This dude. You send it to this dude

I show her a picture, and her face gets all screwed up

Why do I send it to him? Who is he?

‘Cause this is the bitch one that has a Mother’s Day AND a Father’s Day

Her

Oh my gosh, really?

That is SOOOO selfish

Where’s a pen?

And by thongs, I’m talking Aussie here

That’s flip-flops to my U.S. mates

And my Pommy mates

Well, I’m pretty sure it’s never been warm enough to wear them over there

Just so you know, they are SUMMER footwear for people too lazy/cheap to buy/wear real shoes

‘Cause dude, my feet were in BAD shape

I’m talking lifetime members to skansville

Grody to the MAX!

So I decided to dust of some of my vouchers I got a while back, for the local nail place

And hoped they’d still be valid 2 years later

This is something that I would usually do on my own

Go to the nail place at the mall

Comfy massage chair

Warm water for my tootsies

Coffee

Magazine

Little snooze

But Diamond was working his arse off doing some tiling around the house

And being the champ that I pretend to be am

I was all like, SURE.…..I’ll take the girls with me

While inside, I was thinking about all those women I’d seen before

At the nail place with their kids

And I would stare at them, all what the fuck lady – you’re paying for your TODDLER to get a manicure?

Money to burn dipshit or what?

And this reminded me of all the other times that I may have been a little judge-y about peoples parenting methods

BEFORE I was a parent

Back when I knew fucking everything

So today, I was going to be one of THOSE women

Taking her 2 little girls into the nail salon

And I told myself that there was no way I was going to pay for them to have their ant sized fingernails painted

They could just sit and watch me do some colouring or read a book

I had the best intentions

Then we got there

And the lady that runs the place’s little boy, goes to school with Miss 6 and she was all, let me do their nails, they’re so cute – but I was all, well no ’cause I’m trying to prove a point here that I think women that get their little girl’s fingernails done are fucktards and I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I am SOOO the opposite of a fucktard – but then Miss 6 & Miss 4 looked at me with those oh my God is it too late to get another Mum ’cause this one invented embarrassment pleeeease can we get our nails painted and the boss lady was all, it’ll only be $5 and I’m like $5? for both? well OK then cause my gift certificate will totally cover that ’cause you’ve been such good girls and I’m feeling a bit awesome today…

Short story?

I caved

We all got our nails done

You know what’s scary?

They were SOOO excited

Like Disneyland excited

WAH?

Does that mean I’m one of  ’those’ Mum’s now?

‘Cause Miss 6 asked if we could go back & do it again

And I said SURE

When you get a job

And I suggested, well, I’m a really good nail painter

Next time I’ll do them for you at home – for FREE!

She just gave me that uuggh you’re a DORK woman GAH – I give up look

So I think I may have screwed myself

But I have a plan

I’ll tell her that if we’re going to start doing ‘special’  big girl ‘girly’ things together

We have to do ALL the girly things together

I reckon if I took them ONE time to the beautician

To observe the clearing of the forest that is my vajay jay a bikini wax

They’d be all about staying home and watching the shit out of Sponge Bob

.

Hah!

I win.

Like, I REALLY like it A LOT

I think we’ve established that

Not sure what that says about me

Oh wait, yeah I do

Sad, can’t mind my own business, get a life

Yeah, yeah

I mean, I know it’s not a good thing sometimes

And there’s every chance you’ll end up hearing something you don’t want to hear

Remember THIS ONE?

And then other times it can be educational

Like when we LEARNT ANOTHER LANGUAGE

Well today it was just funny

Quick question first:

Is it even eavesdropping if you’re listening in on your own kids?

In your own house?

Even if they’re in THEIR toy room?

With the door closed?

Get back to me on that couldya?

So the girls are the toy room

They wanted to watch a movie

I said, SURE

They said, YAY

I said, after you clean your toy room

They said, WHAT THE FUCK MUM BOO!

Then they went in, shut the door and did not start to clean

After a while, I hear them yelling

Miss 6: You are NOT helping clean up

Miss 4: I don’t want to

Miss 6: You HAVE to

Miss 4: You are NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Miss 6: You know, at school they teach us to treat people the way YOU want to be treated. And right now, you’re not treating me very nicely. Is that how you want me to treat you?

Miss 4: I don’t CARE.

Miss 6: You need to LEARN things. You don’t want to end up a dummy do you? I can help you if you let me TEACH you. You know that Daddy taught me that we should work as a TEAM. We’ll get everything done faster.

Miss 4: Well Daddy taught me that I can do ANYTHING if I try hard enough. And I am trying very hard to NOT clean up

Miss 6: Well you know what Mummy taught me?

Miss 4: What?

Miss 6: She taught me that if we don’t be good – we don’t get good things. So if we don’t clean our toy room, we don’t get to watch a movie

Miss 4: Well  you know what Mummy taught me?

Miss 6: What?

Miss 4: To chew with my mouth closed.

Aaaannd to always wipe from front to back

At this point Miss 6 storms off….huffing and puffing

And her sister keeps yelling out from the toy room

And she taught me to pick my nose with a TISHEEEEWWWW!

And to wash my hands after I scratch my bum A LOOOOOOT!

And that I have to wear underwear to SCHOOOOOOL!

And to not let the dog sniff my PEEEE PEEEEE!

And to…..

.

That kid is so fucking funny

She’d be twice as funny if she was YOUR kid!

A poem

Written just for me

By Miss 6

MY MOMMY IS SO NICE

SHE SCARES AWAY THE MICE

I’M SO GLAD THAT MY MOM

DIDN’T DECIDE TO CALL ME TOM

SHE IS SWEETER THAN ALL THE HONEY

AND LOVES ME MORE THAN ALL THE MONEY

And while I’m glad I scare away the mice that we don’t have

And am sweet sometimes

I was happy that she told me that, Duh Mommy, I KNOW you love me more than money

But it was the best word that rhymed with honey

Bunny just didn’t quite work, you know?

Yeah I know

Just wait ’til she’s older and realises the limited rhyming words there are for FUCK!

And then I’ll be all, yeah, welcome to MY world kiddo

Anyhoo

If you add the above poem to the handmade flower pot-slash-pencil holder-slash-clay thinga-ma-jiggy that Miss 4 gave me

Aaaand the sleep in ’til 9am

It was indeed, THE best Mother’s Day ever

How was yours?

Who made you a Mum?

My Mum & her brother & sisters made my Nanna a Mum

My Dad & his brothers & sisters made my other Nanna grey before her time a Mum too

Then my brother & I showed up & made my Mum a Mum (and her Mum a Nanna)

.

Then along came these two little ladies

They made me a Mum

Which in turn made me now able to cry at the stupidest shit – and wee a little every time I sneeze

They also made my Mum a Nanna

And my Nanna a Great Nanna

And fuck now I have a headache

Here’s to the most important job we’ll ever have ladies

The most frustrating – rewarding – pull your hair out – so proud you could burst – drive you crazy – laugh so hard – best thing you EVER did

Happy Mother’s Day to YOOOOOU!

Except if  you’re in the UK where it’s not technically Mother’s Day again until next March – so maybe you can just come back and read this again then. Thanks.

And Happy Mother’s Day to ME!

x

.

.

.

*Mother’s Day post from the archives*

Miss 6 & Miss 4 made a list of things they wanted to do

For our ‘Girl’s Weekend’

.

I love the girls at this age

They’re so easy to manipulate

I know, that sounds mean

But when they presented me with this super long list of things to do

I made the executive decision, that at least half of the things they had written down

Were going to suck

.

First on their list was the zoo

I’m kind of over the zoo

Does that make me a bad Mum?

Lions and tigers and bears

Oh my fucking God!

It get’s O-L-D

So I told them that all the animals had bad allergies

And couldn’t come out of their cages

And the zoo was closed for the day

Lie, lie, lie

Whatever, I was going to tell them the animals were dead and they were waiting on new ones it worked

Next on their list was the Children’s Museum

Man, c’mon already

I know, it IS pretty cool there

But we did it like, 5 times last year alone

So I told the girls that it was half price there that day

Which meant it would be twice as crowded

And they’d have to line up for things ALL day

And they’d totally run out of food

And it worked

I convinced them to swap the Children’s Museum for an adult museum

Because they are BIG girls now

And I would tell the lady selling the tickets that they PROMISED to be good

So she would make an exception for them

It meant I finally got to go to the Museum of Science & Industry

And it was better than the fucking Children’s Museum awesome

Except for all the bloody kids there

Where the fuck do they all come from?

.

It was a great day out for this big kid

The girls loved the shit out of it too

So much interesting, hands on stuff to do

We had a ball

I’m sure it was educational too

But we were too busy playing to notice

We even got to check out a real German Submarine

(that’s another blog for those that give a shit my Nanna & Pop)

.

Because the museum didn’t open until 11am

And Miss 6 & Miss 4 are on crack fired up and ready to go before 6am

I took them to the Sears tower first

If you’re ever in Chicago

And feel a need to overcome your fear of heights

You should totally check out Sears Tower

And yeah, I know they’ve renamed it

Now it’s WILLIS TOWER

But it will always be SEARS TOWER to me

I was quite pleased with myself for buying the tickets online first

So we didn’t have to line up when we got there

It was nice to not be Disorganised Debbie for a change

.

I needn’t have worried

There was NO ONE there at all

Why?

‘Cause it was cloudy as a mother fucker

And there was ZERO visibility

So, apparently the ORGANISED people check the weather first

Fuck

But we had the tickets

So I told the girls we might as well go for a 103 floor elevator ride anyway cause Mummy’s a fucktard

And just check out the white clouds when we got to the top

Which we did

And Miss 6 decided to put her camera to good use

By photographing stuff in the gift shop

WTF right?

Then Miss 4’s all jealous because she doesn’t have a camera

I tell her that’s because she’s FOUR and breaks every-fucking-thing

And can’t use one properly

I relented and let her take a pic with mine

Not bad

But then this one

Point proven

.

But after about 20 minutes of being up there

The clouds started to clear up

YAY for us!

What an amazing view

I almost puked

We had a great couple of girls only days

I feel very lucky that I’m able to spend this kind of time with them

No one makes me laugher harder, I swear

.

Diamond had a great time away too

Not sure if he caught anything

He didn’t bring home any of his bounty

But he WAS smiling from ear to ear

And he DID smell like fish…