Good

Then I think we can agree that Magoo doesn’t need to see this, K?

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

We’re ready for our day off today

I’m thinking of heading to the biggest shopping centre I can find

And get a start on my Christmas shopping

Believe it or not, I’m normally DONE with my Chrissy shopping by this time of year

But I have saved Diamond some time

‘Cause I already know what I want for Christmas

I met him yesterday

He’s my cousin’s beautiful 8 month old baby boy

His big sister is Dad’s newest best friend too

Which is no surprise considering he paid her in ice-cream

So all I need to do is find a shop that sells ones just like this

That don’t come with a sore vajay-jay, stretch marks or sleepless nights

But be warned

If I find a shop like that

I’m probably going to walk out with a matching set

“..that’s it pumpkin…work those legs

Mama’s got you sugar

And I put a little extra diaper cream on too

Those dollar bills can leave a nasty paper cut”

Talk about a recession proof retirement fund!

Is the time I get to spend time with Mum out on the road

Although we have different schedules when we’re working

ie; she doesn’t stop – and I’m a world class napper

Every now and then, we get a night off

And tonight, Dad didn’t want to run with the big dogs had meetings & interviews

So Mum & I decided to find a nice restaurant

Of which there were almost too many to choose from

Auckland is quite the  mecca for foodies like us

Yay!

We found a great little place just up the road from our hotel

We started off all sensible with ourselves

“…let’s get a glass of wine…or maybe a bottle….that’s two glasses each…plenty!”

Which tuned into

“…”let’ have a brandy alexander OR FIVE”

Which ended with us having to do the drunk walk / stagger back to our accom.

I laughed so much my tummy hurts

There is no one, and I mean NO ONE, funnier in my entire family

Than my Mum

The fact that she has no clue just how hilarious she is

Makes her even more hilarious-ER

If I have HALF the fun with my girls as my Mum and I have when we’re together

I’m in for a pretty great ride

Mine started out awesome

And just got better.

Some people love their Mum’s more than anything in the world

But they don’t have them around anymore

So on this Mother’s Day

Whether your Mum is sitting right next to you

On the other side of the world

Or your guardian angel

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mums

Wherever they may be

x

Gifts for family

It’s scary how big they look these days

Macaroni is already up to my shoulder

She’s 7

And I’m a short-arse

Even Magoo, who’s 5

Loves to brag how she can head-butt Mummy’s boobies

Which is both weird and painful

They’re both growing like weeds lately

Then I look around the house

With all our Easter decorations everywhere

And it’s hard to reconcile the two big girls, colouring Easter eggs today

With the two little girls in all the Easter Bunny photos

People say it all the time about kids

“…they grow up so fast”

What they should say is,

“…they grow up faster than fast. Like, holy-shit one day you’ll get your 7 year old’s shoes, socks and tights confused with your own. And while you want them to make their beds and do stuff for themselves – one day you’ll wake up and they’ll have taken a bath, made their beds, breakfast, cleared their dishes, put their dirty clothes in the laundry and made toast & vegemite for you”

And then you’re like, wow

And then you’ll be like, boo

‘Cause it’s a bit sad too

And then you realise that they did all these wonderful, big girl things to hide the fact that they’ve deposited an entire bottle of Vampire Red Nail Polish in Magoo’s bed

But you don’t get mad

You didn’t like that colour anyway

And the sheets were old

It WAS kinda smart of them really

To distract you enough

Hoping you didn’t notice

But you’ll be too busy looking at old photos anyway

And then your ovaries will start to ache

And cry

And possibly just drop out

THAT’S what they should tell you.

And bought one for each of the girls

I have to fill them in – I figured it’s something that I could do on some of the longer car rides this tour

And then I had a total brain fart

YOU GUYS could help me!

Are you in?

Of course you are

I’ll even make it multiple choice for all the slowies

A) all of the above

B) a tiger, because  breastfeeding you, nearly wore my nipples out

C) a monkey, because you’re so cute & cuddly

A) the way you walk around the house in your underwear or naked. All. The. Time.

B) when you laugh to yourself, at absolutely nothing. All. The. Time and you’ll probably need to medicated when you reach your teens

C) when you come and lay on the end of my bed in the mornings, just so you can “….be right there when you wake up Mummy”

A) how the fuck did THAT come out of ME?

B) why does your head look like a pyramid?

C) that I would love you, so fiercely & unconditionally, every day for the rest of my life

A) nose picking

B) farting in restaurants

C) making your Mummy proud

A) get a really good paying job ’cause your parents want to live in a fancy nursing home with a spa room & a view

B) learn patience because people are really fucking stupid

C) have babies. Have 2 of them. I promise you it will be THE best thing you EVER do.

x

I’ve never sat through an entire episode of Toddlers And Tiaras

What I have seen has shown me that there are lot of gay men out there

That are married to women

And have daughters

And they’re pushing these little girls into beauty pagaents

In custom gaudy gowns, they lovingly sewed themselves

Nice work Daddios!

And then there’s the Mums

Who make me laugh, cry, cringe and want to stab a bitch all at the same time

But this video

This one takes the cake

So instead of a traditional Fuck It Up Friday

Have a look at this video

‘Cause this ‘mother’, is doing a top notch job

At fucking her kid up royally

Parenting or child abuse?