You guys love me, right?

Good

Then I think we can agree that Magoo doesn’t need to see this, K?

Being home in December is the besets of the best

I get do all the Christmas fun stuff with the girls

This week I have been to the school 5 times to volunteer with class parties and craft projects

Each time, I have been dressed head to toe, in varying versions of green & red

Always with a different flashing hat

And dripping in dollar store Christmas jewelry

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap

Yesterday I helped Macaroni’s class bake Gingerbread men

Now, me and baking aren’t really mates – so I was hesitant, and wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it couldn’t be any worse than waxing my own bikini line

All the Mums were gathered in the cafeteria, and the kids came in from the classrooms in groups of 4.

I, not wanting to fuck it up, asked what I should do first

Then a Mum, that obviously hasn’t been laid since January, told me, “washing your hands might be a nice start”

Oh, so THAT’S how we roll at these happy kid-friendly Christmas fun days? Full on bitch mode. Got it.

So I washed my hands, and then pulled up a chair over by the oven. I’d decided to be the boss of ‘timing’ the cookies. I just sat there, counting down backwards from seven minutes, loudly – for every batch that sour mutt bought to me

She then told me my outfit was ‘interesting’ and that she too used to have a dark stripe in her hair too – but she ‘grew out of that phase’

Then I saw HER son, picking his nose, then sticking his hands all over the gingerbread dough. He saw me watching him, and kind of shat himself for an instant. ‘Til I gave him a thumbs up and my best, yeah I’d totally wipe boogers in my food if she was my Mum too dude – look

But I think she might have snuck off to pop some happy pills, cause she actually HUGGED me when I left and THANKED ME for coming to help – like she had no idea that she’s been PMS-ing all in my face for the last hour. Skitzo much?

I almost felt bad about wanting to stab her in the eye with a rolling pin

Not really

She should thank Diamond, because I promised him I wouldn’t try to kill random strangers that pissed me anymore. At least not before Christmas anyway.

Anyhoo

Today was candy houses in Magoo’s class

Which was totally awesome cause we got to eat while we worked

The parents were all super nice and friendly

And made much easier by no one hating on my elf costume and glow in the dark snow boots

And my new WINE BRA.

After six shows in a row

We’re ready for our day off today

I’m thinking of heading to the biggest shopping centre I can find

And get a start on my Christmas shopping

Believe it or not, I’m normally DONE with my Chrissy shopping by this time of year

But I have saved Diamond some time

‘Cause I already know what I want for Christmas

I met him yesterday

He’s my cousin’s beautiful 8 month old baby boy

His big sister is Dad’s newest best friend too

Which is no surprise considering he paid her in ice-cream

So all I need to do is find a shop that sells ones just like this

That don’t come with a sore vajay-jay, stretch marks or sleepless nights

But be warned

If I find a shop like that

I’m probably going to walk out with a matching set

Never too young I say

“..that’s it pumpkin…work those legs

Mama’s got you sugar

And I put a little extra diaper cream on too

Those dollar bills can leave a nasty paper cut”

Talk about a recession proof retirement fund!