Things that New Zealand has taught me

1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” - it must be nearly time to go home

We’re in Blenheim tonight

And my clothes are in Auckland

Because, well….that’s what I do

EVERY time I try to be responsible and hang my clothes in the closet

I forget they’re in there

And I leave without them

Like I did today

But the lovely folks in Blenheim didn’t seem to mind my mishmash outfit tonight

Kind of a pajama-meets-track-suit-meets-Mum’s-shoes-look

Go me

The hotel more than made up for my brain-dead-ness

I remember the last time I was here I wrote about the lovely hotel we were staying at

Lovely except for this

You can read about it HERE

When we checked in today, the first thing the owner said to me

“…welcome back Jenny. I read your blog after you were here last – and don’t worry, we’ve gotten rid of the hairy blankets you didn’t like”

Ummm…ok – way to make me feel like an arsehole

I didn’t mean say it was totally gross

(Which it totally was)

But I DID say how amazing the hotel is

And the rooms are the shit!

With THE best beds in New Zealand

So yep, they got rid of the wax-strip blankets

Now they have these

Which on closer inspection

Look like this

Which if I’d thought about it earlier

I could have turned into something to wear tonight!

How trendy would that have been?

In a beige-butterfly-bowed-booby-bridesmaidy way

Maybe I’ll use them tomorrow night’s show in KAIKOURA!

Do you think they’ll notice if I ‘borrow’ them?

Shhhhhhh!!

Arrived in Auckland late last night

And drove today to Hamilton, where we’re kicking off the New Zealand tour tonight

I’m a bit knackered

But nothing that a good Nanna nap won’t fix

It’s not really all the flying that wears me out

Or the shows

Sometimes I think it’s the airports

The waiting

The carrying all your shit from one end to another

The lining up

And don’t even get me started on the security

That seems to get worse every time I travel

Especially always having to go through those new scanners at all the airports

But I’ve come to accept it

Embrace it even

I’m possibly a little more comfortable than I should be going through them these days

Why not I say!

I’ve working on the theory that the whole world really CAN be a stage

And stripper poles are optional

*thanks Anne

If you were at the January show in Chicago

You might catch a glimpse of the top of your head in this

Or even recognise your giggle at some point

Here’s a live clip of one of the most popular songs I’ve ever written

I used to think it was us sheilas who loved it more

But the boys actually buy the album that this song is on, WAY more than the girls do

Probably as a gift for their wives or girlfriends

Add a box of chocolates to that

And you could be in for some seksi time fellas!