Please feel free to pass this on to Diamond Santa for me

OK, numero uno

A WINE BRA – Seriously, who comes up with this shit? ‘Cause dude needs a MEDAL.. I could wear it on school field trips, walking the dog, visiting the in-laws! Can you imagine how fun one of these would make a funeral? I could fill the fucker up and there’d be enough for everybody! But you guys would have to bring your own straw

FART MACHINE – because farting is NEVER NOT FUNNY. So for those days that I can’t spontaneously gross you out amuse you, I’ll just pull this gadget out of my bag of tricks and fire away. Making sure to blame you for it

Apparently I am getting a new office, because the girls are getting their own rooms and I’m being kicked out of my old space. So I want one of these IPHONE DESKS pretty please. Or the deal’s off mofos.

If I’m going to waste my time exercising, and probably hurt myself in the process – I’d like to do it wearing these STILETTO TRAINERS, if  you don’t mind (size 8 1/2 thanks)

Magoo has asked Santa for a hamster this Christmas – and if that bearded fucker brings one of those smelly little fur balls into my house, he better bring me one of these NOSE CLIPS with it

ROBOTIC BABYSITTER – for those hangover days when you need someone else to do crafts and play dress up with the kids. It’d be a total upgrade from the Disney channel.

A ZEBRA PRINT baby grand piano. OK, so I already HAVE a piano. But Diamond won’t let me paint it and I think that the world NEEDS a female Liberace. You can call me LABIA-RACE

PENIS NECKLACE – that I’d wear just to make the snobby lady at the bank uncomfortable. But I think it’s little bit of false advertising – ’cause this makes it look like it’s ‘coming’ diamonds – which, if that WERE the case in real life – we’d ALL swallow, wouldn’t we girls?

A BABY – I’m not sure where you could actually BUY one of these – but my neighbor JUST got word that she’s been approved to adopt. So I think I might just borrow hers. The bonus? We can BOTH drink during her pregnancy

Faccebook has a ‘dislike’ button and you can ‘unfollow’ someone on Twitter, and even give someone the ‘thumbs down’ on YouTube. But sometimes, actually A LOT of the time, life, especially life online, requires a big ol’ FUCK YOU. I’ll probably need more than one of these

What’s on your Christmas list this year?

Was a perfect opportunity to bring pressies for my family and friends WITH me

Instead of sending them, like I do every year

Hence me traveling with a bazillion cases

Today I am in Alice Springs, on my way to Granites (for 2 shows)

So I didn’t NEED to bring all the suitcases WITH me here

Luckily, I was able to leave the EXTRA cases in Melbourne (thanks Graeme) and I’ll get them back later in the week, when I come back for the CROWN shows

I had all my own stuff scattered in amongst the Chrissy pressies – to try and even out the weight of all the toys ‘n shit I had packed

So responsible and organised, hey?

Of course not – this IS ME we’re talking about here

I am sitting in my Alice Springs hotel room

With a suitcase and a guitar

The guitar is a win

The suitcase? Fuck.

I’m sure it comes as a surprise to NO ONE, that I brought a suitcase with me based on, “…yep, that’s the black one with all my work clothes and stuff I need in it”

Yep, wrong black suitcase

I have shoes, toys, books, DVDs and toiletries

What I do NOT have, is clothes

Nope

No work clothes, regular clothes, pyjamas or fucking underwear

I will be going commando until further notice continue to amaze myself

It’s my first video blog from the last UK tour in 2009

Back when I knew how to use iMovie and thought hey fuck it, why don’t I make a full on live DVD and edit it MY FUCKING SELF with final cut pro like all the professionals use but I would need a newer computer and updated software so I’ll just go spend thousands of dollars on that shit but wait oh hey, I don’t know how to USE this fancy fucking program so I better get me some lessons from the experts in blue shirts at the Apple store who are really helpful which is good because I’ll end up spending more time with them than my fucking husband because I didn’t realise that I shouldn’t edit using USB external hard drives, and every fucktard (except me) knows you can only use firewire hard drives for big arse projects because otherwise you’ll lose months of fucking editing work when your files become corrupt and won’t fucking open anymore and you’re so spewing you could cry except you already ARE crying because you missed out on going to see the Dolly Parton concert that you had VIP tickets for AND you have to get your shit done yesterday ’cause it’s only 46 more god damn mother fucking days ’til Christmas fuck cunt prick shit mother fucker

And how’s YOUR day going?

And after signing her CD, she asked me to sign her leg

I said sure, and proceeded to be a smartarse and write, “wrong way go back”

And drew a big, black arrow, pointing to her ‘woo hoo’

I’m quite the artist when given the opportunity

She didn’t tell me she was getting it tattooed

She chose to just get inked with my signature

And not include my awesome-sauce artwork

Apparently I’m not the Picasso I think I am

One for spoken word

And one for musical comedy

As of last night, this was both of their chart’s TOP 10

Holy shit.

It’s my first attempt at a love song

And I think it shows a psycho softer side of me

Next release will be the LIVE DVD

Then new album!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

CLICK HERE TO BUY ‘WAIT’ ON ITUNES!

Sydney tour is done & dusted

And now it’s time to kick off my solo shows in Western Australia

Game on!

THURSDAY 25th August, COWARANUP (Cowie Club) 08 9755 5190

SATURDAY 27th August, NORTHAM (Northam Country Club) 08 9622 1050

I’m not sure why this picture ended up so big on here, it’s all stretched out and fucked up

And by fucked up, I mean totally out of proportion to the point where I look way thinner

So yeah, I’m leaving it like that.

Ash cloud from the eruption of the Mt Puyehue Cordon Caulle volcano in Chile has been causing chaos in New Zealand skies for the past two weeks and continues to ground flights.

Air New Zealand passengers are the only people taking to the skies today with Qantas, Jetstar and Pacific Blue cancelling all services to and from New Zealand.

Now, I’m all about safety

Especially at 35,000 feet in the sky

We knew last night before the show that our flights home today, with Qantas had been cancelled

To be honest, we’d been following the news all week

So we were kind of prepared for it

And from a safety point of view, I didn’t WANT to fly, if the people that know their shit over at Qantas, didn’t deem it to be safe

So I called Qantas to ask if they had any idea when they expected to be flying again

In one day….two days?

The lady on the phone said that while she couldn’t give me an accurate answer, understandably

She could tell me that the first flight with seats available back to the U.S would be July 4th

Wah….THE FOURTH OF JULY??

That’s TEN FUCKING DAYS AWAY

I was like, hang on – so even if your flights are up and running TOMORROW, you can’t get me on a flight until July 4th?

She said, yes – all the flights are full

Well that’s all well and good lady…but WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR TEN FUCKING DAYS IN THE MEANTIME?

She said, Well we’re happy to reimburse you for accommodation and one meal per day

I said, will you also be happy to call my two daughters and tell them, hey kids – you know how you thought Mummy was coming home tomorrow? Well she’s not, OK…ha ha…joke’s on you!

And then deal with the consequences of that?

I tried to reason with the woman, who I appreciate was only trying to do her job

But it’s hard for two people to have a constructive conversation when one of them is bawling their eyes out

And the other one is a bitch

(It was nice to NOT be the bitch for a change!)

Anyhoo

The conversation ended with her having enough of my hysterics, “do you want to rebook your flight for July 4th or am I terminating this call?”

Call terminated with a fuck you, you fucking fuck

Then this tweet

So  a week ago, when I checked out Air New Zealand’s one way fare prices to Chicago – just to see what my travel options were if Qantas was still canceling flights

I saw how  much of a rip off crazy, expensive they were

My jaw hit the ground and I though, well THAT won’t be happening

That was then

But now?

The thought of not seeing my husband and my babies for another 10 days is so completely out of the question

I felt sick just thinking about it

And I understand that some of you are probably thinking, well, you’ve been away this long – what’s another week or so?

I get that

But once a tour is over – you’d be amazed just how quickly I get out of work mode

And long to be home, and be Diamond’d wife

And Mummy to Macoroni and Magoo

It might not make sense to you and my credit card will never understand

But after getting off the phone to the Qantas lady

I was straight on the phone to Air New Zealand

Booking myself the LAST SEAT AVAILABLE

On that  crazy, expensive one way flight to Chicago

And when I got to the airport today

My heart broke a little

When I saw all the cancelled flights

All the stranded passengers that don’t have any options

They’re sleeping at the airport with their families, in the hopes that somehow they can get to where they’re supposed to be

I’m totally and completely not mad about the whole Qantas deal now

As I sit here, getting ready to board my flight

I am feeling nothing but grateful

And I’ve got a big shitting grin on my face to prove it

And if Air New Zealand really ‘shouldn’t’ be flying in the ash cloud because it’s not safe

You can send your “I told you so’s” to me in heaven, no make that hell

Whatever…just email me.

PS – Mum & Dad have opted to ‘wait it out’ for now in NZ to see what happens. The idea of no work and a cosy hotel room with just the two of them, for whatever reason, appeals to them

and makes me mouth vomit

1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” - it must be nearly time to go home

And my clothes are in Auckland

Because, well….that’s what I do

EVERY time I try to be responsible and hang my clothes in the closet

I forget they’re in there

And I leave without them

Like I did today

But the lovely folks in Blenheim didn’t seem to mind my mishmash outfit tonight

Kind of a pajama-meets-track-suit-meets-Mum’s-shoes-look

Go me

The hotel more than made up for my brain-dead-ness

I remember the last time I was here I wrote about the lovely hotel we were staying at

Lovely except for this

You can read about it HERE

When we checked in today, the first thing the owner said to me

“…welcome back Jenny. I read your blog after you were here last – and don’t worry, we’ve gotten rid of the hairy blankets you didn’t like”

Ummm…ok – way to make me feel like an arsehole

I didn’t mean say it was totally gross

(Which it totally was)

But I DID say how amazing the hotel is

And the rooms are the shit!

With THE best beds in New Zealand

So yep, they got rid of the wax-strip blankets

Now they have these

Which on closer inspection

Look like this

Which if I’d thought about it earlier

I could have turned into something to wear tonight!

How trendy would that have been?

In a beige-butterfly-bowed-booby-bridesmaidy way

Maybe I’ll use them tomorrow night’s show in KAIKOURA!

Do you think they’ll notice if I ‘borrow’ them?

Shhhhhhh!!